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"What
to Do When You Don't Know
What to Do"
— by Connie Habash
Stuck.
Mind is blank. Out of options.
You've come to an impasse
- a situation in which you're
not sure which way to go.
The path seems to just end
there, and the overgrowth
of the brush has covered
the direction.
We all come to places and
times in our lives when
we don't know what to do.
We weigh our options, and
none of them feels quite
right, or they have big
costs that we aren't yet
willing to pay. It can feel
helpless, hopeless, and
scary. We may feel that
we're alone and have to
figure it out all by ourselves.
The only thing we can be
certain of is that we can't
go back. Perhaps we are
ready to leave a relationship
that no longer works, or
a job situation that's become
torturous. But leaving it
leaves us wide open - a
place of vulnerability in
facing the unknown. Or,
perhaps we're willing to
embark on a new career,
or allow someone loving
into our lives, but we just
don't know how. We feel
compelled to figure things
out, and figure them out
quick. What way do I go,
and how do I get there -
fast!
We want to DO something.
Granted, if we're in a dangerous
situation, we must act,
and act swiftly, in order
to get out of danger. But
let's assume that most of
us aren't faced with real
danger, but a more imagined
threat - the great mystery.
This is the unknown of the
future, which never tells
all, despite our best attempts
at getting advice from our
friends, family, astrologers,
psychics, and financial
consultants!
Because we don't know what's
ahead, the mind starts considering
possibilities. If you have
the kind of mind that worries
and is often looking for
the perceived threat, that
potential danger that lies
around the corner, sitting
with the unknown can become
pretty unbearable. So, we
figure, we must come up
with a PLAN. A plan gives
us security. Then we feel
like, yeah, I'm going somewhere.
The plan is often based
on how to protect us from
the potential threats that
the fear-based mind has
come up with. And then we
have to DO something about
it.
Has this pattern occurred
before in your life? This
pattern tends to repeat
over and over: we come to
a crossroads, we don't know
what to do, we get scared,
and we make a plan - a plan
based on fear and self-protection,
rather than on our heart.
Instead of following what
truly gives us joy, we fall
into the trap of staying
safe because we haven't
learned to sit with the
uncomfortableness of not-knowing.
We haven't yet learned to
BE.
Perhaps what the universe
is calling for, rather than
DOING something, is to sit
down and BE. When we relax
and allow ourselves to be,
then something greater than
us can come forth.
When we're trying so hard
to DO and make something
- anything - happen, we
may be interfering with
that process.
Think about the growth of
a child. From a baby, the
child naturally grows into
an adult without any of
us having to do something
to make that happen. We
don't sit down with a plan,and
say, "OK. In the first
year, we'll need to make
the baby grow a foot, we'll
have to seal up the opening
on the crown of the head,
and we'll need to have the
following motor skills developed
through this comprehensive
plan, as follows."
How ridiculous! We know
that if the baby receives
proper nourishment, ample
love, attentiveness from
the parents, and is allowed
to play and BE, nature takes
it's course. We don't inject
growth hormones into our
children to try to make
their growth happen. When
everything is in order,
it naturally happens.
There is a Taoist term that
roughly translates as "the
action that arises of itself."
It's called Wu-Wei. When
we become present, let go,
and trust that something
beyond us will show up,
guess what - it does. In
the philosophy of Taoism,
everything has it's own
nature, it's own essence,
already within it. To quote
from "The Tao of Pooh",
by Benjamin Hoff, "the
more man interfered with
the natural balance produced
and governed by the universal
laws, the further away the
harmony retreated into the
distance. The more forcing,
the more trouble... Only
then did life become sour."
Lao Tzu, the father of Taoism,
observed that when the natural
order prevailed, the people
were happy. When the leaders
of the country tried to
control everything, the
people became dissatisfied.
Being worked much better
than controlling.
Worried about nothing happening
if you stop and just BE?
Keep this in mind - the
universe is always changing.
Nothing ever stays the same
for too long. If we give
it a chance, by not-doing,
the natural, harmonious
action can bubble up to
the surface. This is Wu-Wei.
Remember the old saying
that you'd learn as a child
when you were about to cross
the street: "Stop,
Look, and Listen".
There was more wisdom to
this catch-phrase than meets
the eye. This is about bringing
ourselves into the present
moment. Stop. Sit down,
and be here. Don't just
do something - stand there,
as the new saying does.
Look. What are you experiencing?
What do you notice around
you? Listen. What do you
hear, both around you in
your environment and also
in your heart?
We may find many things
arising in us - sadness,
anger, fear, joy, pain,
excitement. Whatever arises,
try to be present with it.
Until we can embrace what's
inside us, it tends to drive
us without us even knowing.
Bring it out into the open
and see what's there. Sometimes
holding
it all inside covers over
the part of ourselves that
intuitively knows what's
best, much like the dust
and dirt on a window can
cloud your vision.
When we can see the accumulated
stuff, we can begin to wipe
the window clean and see
outside - and inside - ourselves
more clearly. Then, perceiving
where we are and who we
are in this moment, we can
make better decisions. Wu-wei,
the natural action, has
the space to arise.
Meditation, yoga, being
out in nature, taking a
bath, sitting in a park
and watching the people
and creatures all around
you are some ways you can
bring yourself back into
the present.
Part of the difficulty in
allowing ourselves to be
present and letting our
own natural essence come
forth is that it's hard
to let go of control. Control
can come in different flavors,
but two stand out in my
mind: trying to control
the outside, and trying
to control the inside.
We try to control the outside
by mandating other's behaviors,
keeping everything predictable,
sticking with what's familiar.
We try to control the inside
by convincing ourselves
that we know. It's the belief
that we can figure out how
to get this situation back
under control and protect
ourselves from anything
dangerous or unpredictable
happening. We'll insulate
ourselves so well in our
mind and in our life, avoiding
any possibility of the discomfort
of not-knowing what to do,
by the attachment to controlling.
Not Knowing may be uncomfortable,
but it's loaded with possibility.
It's unrestricted. Knowing
all the time can become
a huge defense field, deflecting
off any unfamiliar experience.
This can develop, if unchecked,
into a haughty and dismissive
attitude that pushes people,
as well as new experiences,
away. Once we let go of
the need to know, something
inside relaxes. We open
ourselves to new ways of
being, doing, and potential
solutions. Ironically, this
opens us to learning and
discovering much more than
if we had clung onto to
needing to know.
The truth is, we can't always
know what to do, and we
can't always be in control.
If we insist on it all the
time, there's a heavy cost.
It's exhausting, both mentally
and physically, for one
thing. And it robs us of
spontaneity and new possibilities.
We stay stuck in our same
old familiar but stagnant
state.
If we can let go of control
and allow our ride to be
a little bumpy, we might
finally get into some new
territory. Practice some
relaxation poses, open yourself,
and trust that if you let
go, you're still safe. Then,
try some yoga poses that
you've never tried before!
Some other practices for
letting go of control: for
one day, don't tell anyone
what to do or how to do
things; leave one full weekend
completely unplanned, then
see what happens; take a
trip somewhere without making
any reservations; take off
on a drive without any idea
where you're going, and
just spontaneously see where
you end up; let someone
ELSE drive the car! Practice
the affirmation, "I
let go, knowing that the
universe protects me and
provides for me." See
what happens when you begin
to live your life based
more in trust rather than
in fear.
So step back and relax.
You don't have to know what
to do. Something inside
you, in your deepest self,
already does. You can make
the choice to step aside,
trust, and let go. You can
choose to allow a direction
to arise that isn't based
on old fears and clinging
to what is familiar and
safe, by releasing and Being.
Have you considered the
possibility that it might
even be fun? :) Let the
Divine have the driver's
seat, and enjoy the ride.
It just may take to you
where you truly want to
go.
copyright 2003 by Constance
L. Habash