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On Being Full-Filled— by Connie Habash
Many of us have desired to improve
our lives, and have been on the path of personal growth for years. We may
wish for more joyful relationships or satisfying careers, prosperity, or more
meaningfulness in what we're already doing. Perhaps we feel we don't get enough
done, aren't successful enough yet, or have some bad habits to overcome. There's
a longing to change, have more, do more, be more.
But how much is enough? Not how much is perfection,
or how much to get to the "end result" (whatever that is - I'm not
there yet!), but how much is "good enough", or something that we
can embrace and say, I'm content, for now, with this in myself. When do we
get to a point of self-acceptance?
You may have noticed that you have, as I do, a very loud mind. A critical,
non-stop, pushy mind, one that continually reminds you of what you did wrong,
what you should be doing that you're not, what you aren't doing good enough,
and who is doing it better than you. And frankly, I get very tired of that
part of my mind. It sometimes wears us down, and can affect our emotional
state. I have always said that "comparision is the root of all depression",
and if this part of our mind runs out of control, we can definitely see ourselves
heading in that downward spiral of emotional despair, never being good enough
and seeing everyone else as either better or having something we don't. Most
of us have had bouts with this kind of self-denigration.
So I asked myself - what if I accepted myself? Just as I am right now? And
it was very interesting what my mind responded with: if I do that, then I'll
become lazy, and I'll never improve! There was a fear that if I let go of
the self-critical, comparing, and judging thoughts, that I'd never get off
my rear-end and do the work I know I need to do to become the being I strive
to be. How interesting! An irrational belief that one must constantly put
oneself down in order to be able to improve oneself.
Now let's think about how effective this irrational belief is. Consider children,
for example. If they are constantly criticized and told they aren't doing
things well enough, how long do they stay motivated with learning and growing?
How does this affect their self-esteem? How does it affect their performance
in anything they do? The answer is obvious - they develop a sense of failure
and a low-self image. Exactly the opposite of what our minds intend to do,
yet that's the result this kind of negative thinking creates.
We have to change the belief that self-acceptance
= complacency. It's simply not true. When we can accept ourselves, it doesn't
mean we don't want to continue to grow and improve, but that we can recognize
what we are doing well or are reasonably competent at, what we have succeeded
at, and that we're already a whole person. Constant self-criticism puts holes
in our inner self. Self-acceptance heals the holes, so we are already whole
within, and gives us the confidence to continue striving.
And it's only from a whole place within that
we can truly grow and transform. Think of yourself as a pot. A beautiful,
large pot, that can contain anything, the entire universe. When we're self-denigrating
and critical, that pot is riddled with holes - nothing can be contained. Any
water or substance poured into the pot will immediately leak out. If we're
in the habit of criticizing ourselves, filled with these inner holes, then
compliments tend to slip right out of those gaps as soon as we get them. We
have a difficult time seeing our own value and the contributions we already
make to others, let alone what potential we have to offer more. We're un-full-filled,
through our self-criticism, and therefore can't receive love, praise, or success,
and thus can't see the growth we have already experienced or acknowledge what
we have to offer the world.
Feeling good about ourselves is motivating.
Just like a child, if they are given encouragement - even for something small
and seemingly insignificant in the big picture - they'll be motivated to keep
trying the tougher stuff. If we can learn to be full-filled with even the
small successes and seemingly insignificant things
that we are doing well, it's a lot easier to build on that and be motivated
to change, grow, and improve the other areas of our lives. A whole and complete
pot can hold some energy that we can use for inspiration, encouragement, and
courage. It can contain the love and caring that we receive, so we can return
that to others as well.
Learn to take in the successes and the "good
strokes" you receive from time to time. Truthfully, we are receiving
positive energies regularly; a smile from a friend or a stranger, a thank
you from a co-worker, an acknowledgement of a job well-done, an appreciation
of our thoughtfulness or our creativity. We fill in the holes by allowing
ourselves to take in that satisfaction. Then we feel good, whole, and complete
in the moment.
Saying thank you is a good way to start to mend the
leaks. It's an acknowledgement of the compliment received. Try practicing
"thank you" whenever someone tells you something they like or appreciate
about you, however great or small (you can even just say it silently to yourself).
Breathe it in and see if you can accept the compliment - feel yourself filling
up! Give yourself pats on the back, acknowledging when you're doing something
well. It doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement - but you already
have something good to build upon! If you practice this regularly, your pot
will never
be empty.
When a pot is whole, it can be filled with water
to quench a plant's thirst, or rice to feed a village. Accepting ourselves
as we are - embracing our goodness, our wholeness, the wonderful qualities
that we already possess - the container is complete, and so whatever we receive
can fill us up.
Then we can give back. We can pour that water,
that positive energy that we have within ourselves, out to the world, and
know that we'll fill up again. We can pour ourselves into our work, our relationships,
and our personal and spiritual growth, knowing that there is always enough,
and we are always enough through every change and challenge in our lives.
We become full-filled, allowing our inner "pot" to receive the love
and energy of the universe and affirming that we are deserving of that.
Allow that self-acceptance to be poured in.
Who you are and what you do is already enough. You are, in this moment, a
wonderful being. Acknowledging that opens you to receive even more growth
and gifts from your life than you ever imagined.
Copyright 2001, 2004 by Constance L. Habash