by Connie Habash | Feb 7, 2022 | Growth, Healing, Transformation
In this era of blatant narcissism, it may be a very outrageous thing to say. But when we recognize that growth, healing, love, and change start with us, we need to be “me-first”.
I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and she shared with me something that her healer and teacher said to her. She told her that your healing has to be “me-first.” It shocked me, but then made so much sense, on many levels.
What Does “Me-First” Mean?
But what do I mean by me-first? We’re used to hearing this term in relation to self-centered people, who only care about getting what they want without regard to others. I couldn’t possibly consider such a selfish perspective.
On deeper reflection, there’s another way to understand the idea of me-first.
When it comes to well-being and self-healing, me-first is necessary. Not in the way of putting your needs ahead of everyone. But rather from the perspective that if I’m unwell, I’ll need to take care of myself first before I’ll be helpful to anyone else. After all, if you’re ill, you stay home from work whenever possible (now required in the pandemic!). You don’t want to spread the sickness to anyone else, and you can’t be of much help in the office or with a client if you’re coughing up a storm.
Me-First is Being the Example
From an even deeper level, we need to exemplify what we’re teaching and sharing with others. If we are assisting people in losing weight or eating healthier, we’d better be taking care of ourselves first. We need to live our principles in how we eat and care for our bodies. Not perfectly, but with integrity.
That includes times when we blow it and overindulge; with me-first, we own up to when we’ve missed the mark and model how to get ourselves back on track without beating ourselves up about it. If we’re sharing how to recover from a breakup or make it through the grieving process, we should have walked in those shoes, at least to some degree, and know how to make it through to the other side. With me-first, we embody what we share with the world.
A Guide Through the Territory
I think of the role of a psychotherapist as akin to a nature guide. If we want someone to guide us through the wilderness, we’d better find someone who knows the territory, has dealt with the challenges that arise there, and has the skill to respond to almost any situation, even if they haven’t encountered that exact situation before. An adept trail guide knows how to manage a wide range of contingencies from their own training, skills, and experience.
Likewise, we as therapists, healers, and teachers don’t need to have journeyed through every single possible human situation, but to have dealt with enough of the complexities and difficulties that people go through, such as relationships, loss, sadness, stress, anger, worry, etc., and have learned how to respond in more healthy and healing ways.
For any kind of healer, it needs to be me-first; we must mindfully attend to our own internal experiences and life challenges in order to be able to assist others. It doesn’t mean that we never mess up: but that we are committed to our own mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual well-being as part of our own life, and know the territory.
Me-First Beyond Our Personal Self
Then, the broadest understanding of this me-first philosophy comes with creating change beyond our personal self. If we want to heal a relationship on the rocks, it starts inside of us. Most of us have learned that we can’t change someone else (ask anyone actively in Al-Anon); we can only change who we are in response to others. That means we look at our reactions, our thought processes, and behaviors to see how they contribute to the problem, and address our side of the street first.
If, after looking at ourselves and making appropriate changes still doesn’t shift unhealthy dynamics, then we ask for our partner or family members to participate in creating a healthier connection in some way. If they don’t, we know the way to the door.
On a societal scale, if we want to see change in the world – whether in creating more community and connection, reducing plastic waste, healing racial divides, or cultivating more peace between political parties or nations – it starts right here, where we are. There’s no possibility of making great changes happen “out there” if we aren’t willing to be me-first and change them right in our home, neighborhood, and self.
Desire more connection in the community? Be willing to talk with strangers or help out a neighbor. If I want less plastic in the oceans, then I’ve got to look at what I buy, use, and throw away and cut down on single-use plastics for starters. If I’d like to see more racial equity, then it’s time I look in the mirror and consider my prejudices, and be willing to get to know people outside of my own race, religion, socio-economic status, and cultural background.
And my deepest longing – peace in the world. I know that I’m just one person, but so are you and everyone else. Where are the blocks to peace within me? What causes anger and judgment to arise within? How can I understand others that differ from me so that I can find common ground?
We need to be me-first – to address what needs to heal within us – before we can heal a nation and a planet. Me-first means it starts right here, where we are, within us. Then, we’ll really have something to share with others. They will be able to feel and see that we walk our talk, and that we emanate the love, kindness, wisdom, authenticity, and peace that we all long for.
Its a Journey, Not a Destination
I’m not saying it’s easy. In this age of fast, easy hacks, there’s not a shortcut for this. It’s a journey. We don’t reach a perfect destination. We walk, with caring, mindfulness, and love, endeavoring to “be the change we’re waiting for.” It’s a me-first commitment to the journey of healing and transformation. Each imperfect step along the way.
It starts with us. It’s not a new idea, but we need this reminder, all the time. What’s amazing is that if more of us were me-first in our commitment to heal, grow, and transform ourselves and our little part of the world, we’d see more happier, healthier, kind people and communities. We’d treat each other and our planet with the love and respect we’d like to see around us and in our leaders.
That’s “me-first” that I can stand behind. I’m doing my best, everyday, even though some days I fall far short of who I endeavor to be. But it’s a beautiful path to walk. Won’t you join me on the journey?
Want to be part of a community of spiritual women who love nature and are committed to their own transformation in order to help heal the planet, too? Check out Awakening Women of the Earth.
by Connie Habash | Nov 6, 2019 | Authenticity, Connection, Freedom, Growth, Projection
Life certainly has its ups and downs, as we all know. But those ups and downs are often not perceived accurately by us. We are like movie projectors, carrying around a screen that we place between us and our lives. If we can catch ourselves projecting and take the screen down, true intimacy, connection, and healing can occur. It is the key to our personal and spiritual awakening.
We Create Simulators with Projections
Have you ever been on a simulated ride, like the Star Tours ride at Disneyland? Do they actually fly through space as hundreds of miles an hour? No, they don’t. They are on hydraulics, lifted up and down and shifted side to side to simulate motion.
If you didn’t have a screen, you’d feel yourself jerked around and moved back and forth, which might be kind of fun and maybe jarring. But the projected screen in front of you gives you the impression that you’re dropping thousands of feet, accelerating rapidly, or narrowly missing a crash. The movie you are shown as you travel through it makes it feel incredibly real and much more intense.
We’re setting up our projection screens around us all the time, much like that ride. We may experience a difference of opinion with someone else, or a sharp retort by our partner – something that makes us feel uncomfortable or upset. But when we turn on our projector and set up the screen – unconscious and almost immediate, if old issues are triggered – the situation takes on a completely different feel. Suddenly, it’s life or death, or appears far more significant or upsetting than it would to someone else who isn’t watching our movie.
Projections Make Things Bigger
A small event – like forgetting to take the trash out – can take on big proportions when we project on it. If we were told as a child that we’re lazy and no good (especially when we forgot to take out the trash!), all those old feelings can flood back in. Shame arises. We may want to curl up in a ball or hide in our room, avoiding the situation. We may even feel angry and defensive, worrying that someone may judge us for forgetting. And if someone, heaven forbid, does mention it, we can lash out angrily in that defensiveness. We could accuse them of being mean, or we might burst into tears and fall apart.
All that happened was that we forgot to take out the trash. It’s an easy thing to forget, and an easy thing to change, if we are seeing it clearly without our old story projected on it.
If you happened to be triggered by a relatively minor thing (or even if it’s a major one), it’s worth it to consider projections. What might my old story be that I’m overlaying on this situation? What is the source of where this unnecessarily strong emotion is coming from? What is being projected on these people and circumstances?
Casting Our Movies
It is very easy to cast ourselves, and others in our lives, in our old movie. We replay our part, again and again, when we let the projector continue to run. And we find people that are similar enough to cast in the story’s roles, much to the detriment of those relationships. We can’t have authentic connection and communication when we’ve already written the script.
Recognize when you are using a projector, and take down the screen. That means seeing the story that it originated from as it is, separate from present time. You may still feel the attraction to want to tell the story again, but don’t project it on the current situation. Get to know the story. Feel it in your body, recognize the emotions and the old thought patterns. See it for what it is, and acknowledge that it isn’t happening right now, no matter how similar the current situation may be.
True Freedom
Personal growth and spiritual awakening happen when we take down the screen and turn off the projector. We can be present with whatever is, knowing we are capable of responding to it. We can see the essence of others and find common ground, rather than make assumptions. Our true essence, which is beyond thoughts or projections, can shine forth. Possibilities for healing, renewed relationships, and empowerment arise when we turn off the old movies and relate in the present moment.
Recognize and honor the story. Then release it. Beyond our projections, true freedom is at hand.
by Connie Habash | Aug 16, 2013 | Being, Freedom, Growth, Love, Presence, Space
For several weeks, I’ve been contemplating the nature of many things in the universe, including the nature of the Divine. I believe and feel that God is the source of love, and indeed is the energy of Love itself.
But in further exploring this idea, I realized that I needed to more deeply understand what I felt about the Divine. If God is Love, then what is Love? Because we all have different experiences and interpretations of love, it may cloud our true understanding of what that Infinite Consciousness or Intelligence is. We must come to a clear understanding of what Love is in order to understand God.
Many of us, consciously or unconsciously, have ideas of love. Some are based on what we did or didn’t receive as children growing up. Other ideas come from relationships we’ve had. And still other concepts come from what we’ve observed in the world or read in books.
Most of us base our concepts of love on what we feel inside. While I respect the power of feelings and the importance of honoring them and working with them, it can be a little deceptive to interpret love simply based on what we feel.
Why is that deceptive? Because feelings change. For example, many of us think we feel love when we’re “falling in love” with someone. We’re elated, we feel great, the world looks rosy. The thrill of being loved by another is ecstatic. It can be lusty, romantic, sweet, and make us feel worthwhile. At the same time, if circumstances change and we are rejected or betrayed, that same love can feel like jealousy, rage, despair, or hopelessness.
Is that love?
We often think of love when we think of our children. Certainly, there’s nothing like the love that a mother or father has for their child. It is elating, especially in those first weeks after birth. It is joyous, like when our little girl or boy runs to us with arms wide and throws themselves into our embrace. Being loved by a child touches us deeply, inspiring in us joy, responsibility, pride, and nurturance.
But this love also is painful, like the first time our toddler hits their head and cries like the world is over, or when they’re in bed with a fever. Our hearts ache for them, and we so much want to take away their suffering. Love for our children is also painful when our teen says they hate us, or slams the door on us. When our children don’t behave the way we want them to, love can feel like anger or frustration.
Is this really what love is? Does love change depending on the circumstance, or is love consistent, steady, always blissful? Or is it something else?
Well, clearly there are differences between the love we have for our favorite ice cream (love? really?), the love we have for our partner, the love we have for our parent or our children, and the love we have for the Divine. I could discuss the differences between them, but that’s really another article…
What I truly want to know and understand is, what is Divine Love? What is the Love, with a capital L, that I experience from and as God?
When I asked the question, answers started showing up. I was listening to a series of recordings by Dr. Vasant Lad, a renowned Ayurvedic doctor, about the essentials of the practice of Ayurveda, the health science of India. As he was describing the qualities of the 5th element, Space or Ether, he said something that surprised me. “Freedom is Love, and Love is Space.”
Huh? What did he mean by “Freedom is Love”? And why did he see Love as space?
It brought to mind the familiar quote: “If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Giving someone the freedom to be who they are, without judgment or expectation, is a great act of love.
And that is exactly what the Divine has given us. The Creator gave us the universe in which to explore our lives, and the freedom to choose our actions, attitudes, and responses to life. So if the Divine is indeed Love itself, and it is everywhere present and infinite, then it makes sense that Love itself is that spaciousness of our universe and the freedom within it to explore, discover, and co-create.
A different take on Love comes from M. Scott Peck, author of the classic, The Road Less Traveled. He was, of course, describing love in relationship, but his view of love is just as applicable to the Sacred. Peck defines love as “the furthering of the growth of another.”
For lovers who choose to commit to a life together, or even just a season together, there is no greater love than supporting our partner in their evolution as a human and spiritual being. It is also what we sign up for as parents, nourishing the growth and development of our children.
Indeed, the Divine, too, seems to express as Love that furthers our spiritual evolution. Every situation and even every moment in life is rich with possibilities to learn, to open our hearts, to discover our true nature, and to expand our consciousness. We are given a grand universe and a life in which to grow and unfold into our greatest potential.
As I continued my query of What is Love, I remembered a sweet little book I had on a bookcase next to my desk at home. It’s called True Love, by Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn. Chapter number two says it very plainly: “To love, in the context of Buddhism, is above all to be there.” It’s presence.
He suggests that we practice this mantra with ourselves and those we love: “Dear One, I am here for you.” Don’t we feel most loved when someone takes the time to be present with us? To listen, to accept, to understand, to give us safe space to just be ourselves with them?
Whenever we are being present, we are Being Love. We recognize our connection to the one that we are present with. In that moment, we open to Oneness, to the Divine flowing through us, as us.
These three perspectives bring together, for me, a greater understanding of what Divine Love is. No wonder we all long for freedom, for space to be ourselves, for support in our growth, and for someone to be there for us. That is Love… and that is our greatest potential.
Do you have definitions of Divine Love to add to the list? Post them here!
Copyright @ 2013 by Rev. Connie L. Habash
by Connie Habash | Apr 24, 2013 | Beauty, Expression, Growth, Movement, Patience, Peace, Quiet, Rebirth, Seasons, Spring, stillness
Nature reflects to us the process of personal and spiritual transformation all around us. In my classes, with my clients, and in spiritual community I honor and invite all to explore the profound affect these natural changes have on each of us.
Spring, the season we’re currently in, and summer are both times of longer daylight – hence, the energies around and within us are externally focused. It’s all about taking what is within you and finding ways of expressing it in the world.
Spring is new beginnings, where we burst forth from the gestation of the colder time of the year and feel ready for new adventures. We explore who we are becoming and we reinvent ourselves anew. It’s a good time to step into something you’ve toyed with for a while. It’s also a good time to listen to new perspectives and see the world in a fresh way.
Summer is taking those explorations to a new height. It’s the time of ripening. While spring encouraged us to step out into new territory, summer is prime-time for play and celebration of our success and our finer qualities. Allow yourself to authentically and radiantly shine, just like the sun. Recognize your gifts and share them freely, just as nature’s bounty blesses us with the fruits of the season.
At the end of summer we begin to feel the down-shift into a more introspective time. We enter the growing nighttime, and so, too, we enter the unconscious. Fall takes us away from the externally-focused energies of exuberant summertime and asks us to pause and consider what we feel, who we are, and to reminisce. We revisit the past during autumn to integrate, grieve, reflect, and heal.
Which takes us at last to winter, the coldest and most inward time. This is the great stillness; nature is quiet, hibernating. We, too, have been called by the inner silence to find peace with what is. We embrace our inner wisdom that we have gained from the four seasons of life, and let it gestate into something which we will share with the world. Winter is a time of the Spirit, peace, and patience.
Each season offers us new opportunities to understand ourselves and the world we live in. I facilitate that greater journey for every person I work with, as they are touched by what the season offers. What is this season offering you today?
In this era of blatant narcissism, it may be a very outrageous thing to say. But when we recognize that growth, healing, love, and change start with us, we need to be “me-first”.
Life certainly has its ups and downs, as we all know. But those ups and downs are often not perceived accurately by us. We are like movie projectors, carrying around a screen that we place between us and our lives. If we can catch ourselves projecting and take the screen down, true intimacy, connection, and healing can occur. It is the key to our personal and spiritual awakening.
For several weeks, I’ve been contemplating the nature of many things in the universe, including the nature of the Divine. I believe and feel that God is the source of love, and indeed is the energy of Love itself.
Nature reflects to us the process of personal and spiritual transformation all around us. In my classes, with my clients, and in spiritual community I honor and invite all to explore the profound affect these natural changes have on each of us.
