by Connie Habash | Sep 3, 2023 | Articles, Nonattachment, Perfectionism, Practice
When we get caught up in the belief that we can become perfect – and the distress that causes – we can remember these two principles from yoga philosophy, let go, and relax a bit. Practice, not perfection!
Everyone makes mistakes. We all know this, but perfectionism, righteousness, and expectations often cloud our memory. We tend to come down hard on ourselves (or others) for the things we say, do, or think. Our previous ideals of who we are run smack into the wall of realization that we’ve blown it.
Although being hard on ourselves isn’t too helpful, it is important to recognize when we’ve erred. If we aren’t willing to look at what’s not working in our behaviors or choices, we’re likely to continue re-experiencing the results of those mistakes. It’s like watching the same scene – an uncomfortable and unpleasant one – over and over again at a movie theatre. That isn’t a very fun or fulfilling way to journey through life.
Perhaps this is why Patanjali, the author of the treatise on yoga philosophy, the Yoga Sutra, emphasizes two concepts when embarking upon the path of yoga. The first of these is Abhyasa – practice.
Abhyasa – Practice
We often say, “I practice yoga” or “I did a yoga/meditation practice today”, but are we really conscious of what that means? It means that we are in a state of continual application of our understanding of the practice.
In hatha yoga, which is what most of us think of as “yoga”, we’re primarily practicing the asanas, or poses, and breathwork. Over and over again. Day in and day out. We’re doing the old familiar postures and we’re exploring new ones. Some days we do them well, and other days we’re just getting by. It doesn’t matter – it’s the continual application, to the best of our ability, of what we understand each time we come to the mat that constitutes Abhyasa.
Life is also practice. Every day that we wake up, we’re getting on our “yoga mat” of life. If we are following a spiritual path, a path of transformative growth, then that means everything is part of that practice, from brushing our teeth to talking to the teller at the bank.
Forgetting That It’s Practice
The problem is that we tend to forget we’re practicing. We become grown-ups and assume that we have mastery over certain things. This can show up in relationships, at work, or in yoga class. We think that because we’ve done something a thousand times or achieved a certain level of competency that we don’t have to practice anymore.
For example, in school we learn to speak the language of our country or region. Once we learn it, we unconsciously may believe that there’s no need to pay attention anymore to what we say – we’re “fluent”. But it’s in our very words, whether spoken, written, or even in thought, that we tend to
make the most mistakes.
This isn’t just in the simple, common-place problem of tripping over our words or forgetting some vocabulary. This is the issue of communicating what we want to say truthfully, clearly, kindly, and respectfully. Or at least clearly and respectfully! How many times have we fallen short on that? Probably more times than we can remember, if we’re being honest with ourselves.
Consciousness With What We Do
Practice is about being conscious with everything that we do, and in that consciousness doing the best we can in the moment. Which means that, based on the circumstances of the moment, our best will vary. Usually the times that we have hurt someone’s feelings or caused a misunderstanding
have been when we’re unconscious of what we are doing or saying. We become reactionary instead of responsive. This isn’t our best, and it will reap fruits that aren’t so sweet.
The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend about something that was bothering her. I was relating what she was saying to a situation in my past that seemed similar to me, and so I kept interrupting her to insert what feelings I thought she was having, or to share what my experience
was. After a couple times of doing this, I realized that she was a little upset and felt that I wasn’t hearing her. I had been reacting unconsciously and not paying attention to her experience or to my process of listening.
I had to go back to the practice of listening with consciousness and attention, attempting to comprehend where she was coming from. This immediately shifted the interchange away from the tension created by my selfishness to a feeling of compassion and understanding between us.
Life Becomes Practice
There are masters in our world who appear to be beyond practice. They have spent so many years of daily exercising their minds and/or bodies that they seem to embody perfection. They could be martial artists, engineers, or parents. They could be our teachers. Their actions seem effortless and always on the mark.
The reason masters seem “perfect” is that their life has become their practice. They have no longer separated “now I will attend to my child” from their daily sense of being. There’s no longer “I will now roll out my mat and practice yoga” – they stand in Tadasana at the market, they bend forward with consciousness to pick up a piece of trash, and they are, out of habit, kind and helpful to others. The
philosophy of yoga, or good parenting, or creating excellence in a project at work has been absorbed into every cell, and they are constantly practicing. This is what is meant by Abhyasa – unwavering, consistent practice with awareness, that becomes second nature.
Practice Beyond the “End-State”
You will notice that true masters do not stop their practice. Often, a master will continue practicing long after attaining mastery as an example for the students. But even if they are not doing “asanas” anymore, a yoga master continues her inner practice of awareness. The perfection comes not from an end-state in which there is no longer practice but from an elevated consciousness of continually practicing.
This is why the saying “practice makes perfect” is deceiving. We take that to mean that someday, if you practice enough, you’ll be perfect and won’t need to make the effort anymore. Perfectionism leads us to think that we can, at some point, be beyond reproach. If we ever convince ourselves of that, then we open ourselves to error. Once we believe we’ve reached the goal, we begin to fall short because we lose the awareness and vigilance that was the source of our success.
Practice Together with Non-Attachment
Perfectionism leads us to create further suffering within ourselves. Assuming that a perfect state, behavior, or pose exists, we continue to compare ourselves to that ideal and constantly fall short of the mark. If we can let go of perfectionism and consider everything as practice, then we more easily accept our mistakes a natural part of the growth process.
This is why Patanjali stated that practice, Abhyasa, was to be done in conjunction with Vairagya, or “non-attachment”, in order to move beyond the reactions of the mind. Expectations, comparisons, perfectionism, and fear of making mistakes all feed into the reactionary mind. They block the clarity and attentiveness needed to make our practice effective.
As it says in the Bhagavad Gita, another great work of yoga philosophy, we must act, or do our practice, without attachment to the fruits of our actions. We do practice for its own sake; it’s the right thing to do. Being a good person, taking care of ourselves and others, speaking kindly, and
getting on our yoga mat, for example, are rewards in themselves, regardless of what results from those actions. Through non-attachment, we practice as a way of offering ourselves to something greater – to the Divine, the Planet, the Source of Life.
Offering Our Practice Without Attachment
During ancient times, in cultures throughout the world, it was common practice for farmers to give a portion of their crop as an offering to their deity of worship. Some years, their crops were great and they had much to give. Other years were so lean, they may have had only a few grains to place on their altar. But they gave what they could from their hearts. There will be days when we may feel that our practice is worth three measly grains. No matter – if we offer it with our hearts, without attachment to what is or isn’t, we can feel at peace.
When we are unattached to our efforts, errors can be places where we start anew. Practice is becoming innocent like children, seeing ourselves, our bodies, and others for the first time, every time. Every moment is a new beginning and a new opportunity. Then, like a young child trying to
somersault on the fresh-cut grass, rather than seeking perfection we start to see the joy of the practice. Life can be an expansive, delightful, and adventurous practice, not perfection.
by Connie Habash | Dec 18, 2021 | Acceptance, Forgiveness, Judgment, Mistakes, Perfectionism
We know that we all make mistakes, but often we’re shocked when we actually do. Mistakes are part of the game on planet Earth. Here’s a shift in perception that helps you respond to them with more grace and acceptance.
The other day, I sent out an email to my entire email list that was intended for only 10% of it. Yeesh. I was embarrassed and worried what people would think. I berated myself for not checking more carefully before I hit send.
But then I stopped. I’m a recovering Perfectionist (after all, I’m a Virgo!). It’s an old pattern of mine to be really hard on myself for mistakes. You, too? By reflecting on my reactions to my error, I shifted myself out of that pattern by acceptance and changing my expectations. Here are my insights.
What is a Mis-Take?
A mistake is much like those outtakes that you see from movies – the bloops and scenes gone wrong. In the filming industry, it’s expected – that’s why they say, “scene 1, take 1”. They know that people will mess up, forget their lines, deliver them wrong, or unexpected things can happen and they need a do-over.
You can have a similar attitude about your mis-takes. Look at it as take 1, or take 15 – whatever. We’re all expected to make these mis-takes here on planet Earth. For some of your mis-takes, you may even be able to have a sense of humor about them, just like those outtakes we see from our favorite movies.
Our Spiritual Journey into Form
Yes, we actually came here, from a spiritual perspective, to have the opportunity to make mistakes. This is our playground and our experimental lab as spiritual beings. You can’t beat coming into physical form for opportunities to learn what works and what doesn’t.
So we chose to come here so that we could make mistakes and learn about them. We could try new things and explore ways to create, change, and transform. The spirit world just doesn’t compare to the opportunities in a physical world such as ours to explore relationships, test our physical limits, learn about boundaries, discover the senses, and how to be mindful in our choices.
Appreciate that you were not coming here to be perfect – you came here to learn, explore, challenge, and miss the mark sometimes.
The Idea of Perfection
We are so hard on ourselves when we make an error – even small ones. We can really beat ourselves up for blurting out something that may have been inappropriate or messing up our checkbook (yeah, I still use one!). And we can be absolutely ruthless and unforgiving when we make a bigger mistake.
I believe that we beat ourselves up so badly because we have a conscious or unconscious expectation of perfection. Perfection is a human-created idea, not Divine. The Divine is beyond any human ideas of perfect or imperfect; it transcends definition. But we have created this “perfect” idea and then project it on Spirit, and project that expectation on ourselves.
If we didn’t expect perfection in ourselves, we could embrace the times when we mess up, consider how we would like to change, what we learned from the experience, and then move on. It’s the attachment to perfection – that we should never ever make those mistakes – that causes our suffering.
Then, that shame continues the suffering. The more we shame ourselves, the less confident we’ll feel in our next endeavor, which sets up the likelihood that we’ll make another mistake and the cycle starts all over again.
Let go of the idea of “perfect” and your expectations around it. That’s been a big game-changer for me in how I respond when I make a mistake.
Learn from Your Mistakes?
I do have a caveat, though, about the idea of “learning from your mistakes.” Sure, it’s a great idea – we all want to learn and to do better. But there’s also an implication that we should “never do that again.”
Well, unfortunately, that’s not how it often rolls. Even us “spiritual people” have repeated mistakes – spirituality is messy. It’s not the first time that I sent out an email by mistake. I’ve made lots of mistakes as a parent, admittedly repeating some of them. You probably have repeated certain mistakes when you have sworn you’d never do them again.
We’re going to learn new and different things even when we make a similar mistake again. It’s OK. It’s part of how life goes. You can have the intent to not repeat it, but please don’t hold that one over your head. Be gentle with yourself; learning and growing here on planet Earth is a tall task, not taken lightly! Do the best you can, and know that it really varies what your “best” is from moment to moment.
Forgiveness is Built-In
Because we literally came here to explore and be willing to make mistakes, forgiveness is built-in. The Divine isn’t judging us; we are.
Yes, we can learn from what we’ve done; it’s part of what is exciting about being in the physical world. No need to beat ourselves up for mistakes, though. Why intentionally come here to be able to make mistakes if forgiveness isn’t also part of the deal?
Forgiving ourselves (and others) is about releasing the past from continuing to impede on our present. We can forgive and learn, while letting go of ruminations, regret, and self-rejection. When we forgive, we are able to move forward into who we are becoming, not flogging ourselves with what we did.
The Keys to When You Make Mistakes
Remember these keys to changing your response when you make a mistake. When you do something “wrong” or in error, it’s like a mis-take in your own movie of life. Give yourself all the “takes” you need. We came into form in order to have the freedom to be able to explore, which includes mistakes. Perfection isn’t a Divinely-held measuring stick; it’s a human-created concept that doesn’t really exist.
Accept yourself, release those expectations, and if you repeat a mistake, it’s par for the course. Know that you’re already forgiven. Release the judgment and allow yourself the freedom to keep exploring, learning, and growing through this lifetime and beyond.
What are your insights about making mistakes? Share them here.
by Connie Habash | Sep 4, 2020 | awakening, Perfectionism, Presence
At the age of 19, I started on my spiritual path, believing that I’d become perfect. Boy, I was wrong. It took decades before I realized my goal was to be awake, not perfect.
Being the Virgo that I am, from an early age my perfectionistic tendencies were apparent. I wanted to do things right and do them well – all the time. I also noticed, however, that if it took a whole lot of work to do it well, I really didn’t want to play. Luckily, a lot of things came easily, but some things I just let go of – or gave up on.
I used to think this was laziness. Sometimes, it was, like when I got a D on a research paper in 6th grade about what career I thought I wanted to pursue when I grew up (at the time, I chose Zoology). I didn’t bother to do much with it – because I had no idea what I wanted to do as an adult! Even in college, it took my first two years to settle on a major (oh, the luxury of that – now, you have to know while you’re still in high school!), and even then, I really didn’t know what career I’d pursue with a Psychology major. Just that I definitely didn’t want to be a Marriage and Family Therapist (ahem, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 27 years).
One thing that became clear, as I journeyed through college, was that I knew I was a spiritual person, and I wanted to explore that more. Although I had been raised Christian, my soul was called to a less-defined and more personal connection with the Divine than a traditional religion. And so I set off on my quest, exploring many different paths.
But something a little sly was going on in my psyche. You see, I had this idea deep inside that there was something wrong with me, something not quite good enough. And if I became enlightened, then bam! I’d be perfect. All of that stuff that I didn’t like about myself (or worried that was there, but really wasn’t) would magically go away.
I wouldn’t get angry or upset anymore – I’d just be serenely peaceful. I’d be calm and relaxed always, and probably wear a lot of white. No, purple. Well, I’d wear a lot of colorful, lovely, flowy things (OK, I admit I do like them) that look super spiritual. I’d be the best yogi in class, and the deepest meditator. My words would flow effortlessly and pearls of wisdom would just be strewn everywhere. Glowing and always kind, I’d help countless others and awaken them to their true nature.
I’d finally be perfect. And it would be easy.
What a shocker was in store for me the next 30 years or so. I’d hit my limitations in yoga class, and get injured. As I became more aware of myself, my anger would surface more often, and the underlying anxiety was revealed. I’d grapple with depression and low self-esteem. Meditation was often a struggle, and because I felt I needed to do it “right” and that it should be easy, I’d avoid it. Sometimes, when I taught yoga class, I’d have word salad – things coming out of my mouth backwards, like “fend borward from the hips”, or I’d draw a blank and forget where we were in the sequence. I did, however, wear those flowy clothes and cool looking yoga outfits (but NOT Lululemon! Not evolved enough for me, no!).
Yep, I discovered that the spiritual path is not a very tidy, manicured, marble-stone walkway, but a messy romp through the jungle, with machetes, sweaty headbands, and bug spray. It’s the farthest thing from perfect.
Because the idea of perfection is a human idea, not a Divine one.
Seriously, who wrote the definition of perfection in the dictionary? Humans. Who wrote the sacred scriptures? People. I’m sure they were tapped into something. But it still got translated through our own perceptions of how things should be, the way we should act, what we should feel, and with a heavy dose of guilt if you didn’t meet those standards.
About 15 years ago, I looked all those perfectionist tendencies in the face. Are you really making me happy, or even a better person? More importantly, is this the aim of spiritual practice? I realized I was missing the mark.
The point of walking a spiritual path isn’t to become perfect. That implies an end point, where you’re “doing” and finally get the stamp of approval, the crown of “enlightenment.” Although self-realization of true spiritual awakening is transcending the ego’s attachments, the whole idea of becoming a perfected, enlightened person is definitely ego’s idea, not the Divine’s.
What, then is the path of spiritual growth? What do we aim for (notice that I left out the word “should”)? I think the Buddha said it best.
They asked him: “Are you a god?” “No,” he replied. “Are you a reincarnation of god?” “No,” he replied.”Are you a wizard, then?” “No.” “Well, are you a man?” “No.” “So what are you?” They asked, being very perplexed. Buddha simply replied: “I am awake.”
What a big difference between perfect and awake. Perfect is an expectation, an agenda. It suggests “better than.” It also implies becoming something we aren’t already are, having to get rids of parts of ourselves that are less-than. It’s another cruel trick of the ego to make us feel important, special, superior (or inferior). That idea of perfection sucks us into a game we can’t win.
Buddha stepped out of the game. He realized that the path is to be right here, right now, without any of that going on.
To be awake, according to Leonard Jacobson, is being fully present: in a state of inner silence, fully present with everything around you. So much so that you no longer think about “myself” and “other” – there is simply Oneness. It’s blissful, joyful, and the essence of Love with a capital L.
No mention of having to be perfect. That’s the ego’s game.
With that realization – that it’s all really about awakening – a sense of ease comes over me. Not that it’s easy, but that the internal struggle against myself softens. I can simply be.
It’s also a recognition, in my experience, that the path is ever unfolding. There’s no end-point to get to. Becoming awake is a joyful exploration of the infinite possibilities of each moment. Without agenda. In one moment, awake is simply sitting, nothing going on, looking at a mug on my desk. Another moment, it is feeling the sorrow of grief. The next, immense joy at the sight of a hummingbird. And yet another, the deep peace of quiet mind and open heart.
I also know that more will unfold; deeper levels of connection with the Divine and the Universe. But I don’t need to “get there.” Having a profound experience won’t make me any better than I am. I AM already that infinite Divine presence, as you are. We just need to remember, by waking up.
Let go of the ego’s need to become perfect. There’s nowhere to get to, and nowhere to run from. You don’t need to get rid of anything. Allow yourself to be fully here, right now, and more aware of who you really are. Become awake, not perfect. It’s a wonder-full place to be.
by Connie Habash | Nov 1, 2018 | Anxiety, Perfectionism
excerpt from my forthcoming book on overcoming anxiety!
We’ve all done it. With the best of intentions, we set out on the spiritual path, ready to have our awakening, and determined to find the calm, centered, peaceful place within that is beyond our anxiety.
Often, we do find that place – for a while. But it’s the natural cycle of things to come and go. When that calm, courageous place we delightfully discovered begins to slip away, we might make some spiritual mistakes.
They can be errors in our approach, perspective, or how we’re applying our beliefs. These spiritual mis-takes – for they’re just a slip-up, a miss of the target we’re aiming for – aren’t a big deal. We all get a little off track sometimes.
The problem is that we tend to make them a big deal. They can become deal-breakers, sending us down the spiral not only of more anxiety, but self-recrimination and anxiety about our anxiety.
There are 5 common mis-takes on the spiritual path that can get under our skin and actually perpetuate that anxiety – not what we wanted! And the number one on the list is Perfectionism.
Perfectionism
I know you weren’t at all surprised to see this as my number one spiritual mis-take. Because chances are good that you’re a perfectionist (or like me, a recovering perfectionist!).
Don’t think so? Think you’re past that? Well, what happened the last time you sat for meditation and it was crummy? All kinds of distracting, anxious, upsetting, annoying thoughts going on. Did you say, yippee? Or did you get more and more frustrated? Maybe you tried harder to push those thoughts away. This is not supposed to happen! I am supposed to be getting calm, relaxed, and serene. I’m supposed to look and feel like a Buddha in lotus pose, eyelids half-closed, body upright and aligned but oh-so-relaxed, hands perfectly in a mudra, and completely still, looking as if I could float on a lotus leaf. Or at least I’m supposed to feel that way.
Um, no. Well, you certainly can have that experience. But if you’re attached to it – attached to outcome, expecting, feeling that it should, must, have-to, needs to be that way, then you’re holding on to some degree of perfection.
Spirituality is Messy
The honest to goodness truth is that spirituality is a messy journey. You’ll have to get used to getting dirty, digging down deep, bumpy trails, picking up the trash, and sometimes sitting in it, because it just happens to be there.
The spiritual path is not about avoidance – avoidance of anything less than ideal – but about fully embracing who you are and whatever is. Yes, it involves taking appropriate action to continue on the path, but still, the path is what it is.
Your mind isn’t always going to be still. Neither will your body. In fact, they rarely will be. That’s OK. And you will have anxiety arise from time to time, even after you’ve been practicing meditation, breathwork, or yoga for years. But as you continue on, you’ll develop the skill and courage to know how to journey through it rather than try to make it go away.
This is just part of the chapter on Perfectionism in my forthcoming book – Awakening from Anxiety: A Spiritual Guide to Living a More Calm, Confident, Courageous Life. Want to find out how to get your copy? Join the Awakening Self community!
When we get caught up in the belief that we can become perfect – and the distress that causes – we can remember these two principles from yoga philosophy, let go, and relax a bit. Practice, not perfection!
We know that we all make mistakes, but often we’re shocked when we actually do. Mistakes are part of the game on planet Earth. Here’s a shift in perception that helps you respond to them with more grace and acceptance.
excerpt from my forthcoming book on overcoming anxiety!
