by Connie Habash | Jul 30, 2025 | Acceptance, Healing, Wholeness
Instead of trying to become “better” – to “fix” what is “wrong” with you – the true path to healing and inner peace is to aim for wholeness.
What is it that you really want? Happiness? Peace? Stability? Enlightenment? Often, we just want to “feel better”, and for things to “get better”.
Lately, I’ve been in that kind of place – experiencing deep internal changes, looking at old patterns that don’t serve me, venturing into my own Shadow and unconscious to see what needs to be cleaned out. It is difficult, at times painful, and unpleasant. There are times when I just want to feel “better”.
Wanting to Feel Better vs. Becoming Whole
It occurred to me, however, that there is an inherent problem in wanting to feel better, wanting life to be better, wanting to improve ourselves. When we want to get better or become a “better person”, it implies that there is something wrong with us as we are.
I’ve done enough of that in my life – enough self-criticism, judgment, and finding all the things about “me” that don’t work well or that I’m ashamed of. I just want to get rid of them. Don’t we all? Yet by fostering that kind of attitude, we do violence to ourselves.
I’ve had it with cutting myself up into pieces – pieces that are good enough, and pieces that belong in the trash. It doesn’t serve me anymore, and it doesn’t serve you, either.
Embracing the Shadow for Inner Healing
Over the years, I discovered that the very parts of myself that I don’t like, that cause me pain, are the very places within that hold my transformation. They hold power and healing that I can’t access if I don’t welcome them in and hold them, lovingly, until I see my true essence.
Deep inside my raging, critical self is a terrified child, begging to be held and loved and accepted, warts and all. I wanted to be loved, acknowledged, and seen when I was a child, and I spent most of my life attempting to fill those needs.
By taking the time to hold this part of me, to cry, to scream out my anger, I find the soft, tender, loving essence within me. My heart opens, and love then flows through me. Exactly what I was looking for, stumbled upon by accepting and embracing the aspect of myself that blocked it, yet most yearned for it.
I find that I do the same thing with my life – clinging to things I enjoy, pushing away the uncomfortable tasks. Again, I stop and breathe, and embrace it all. The good and the bad are only my judgments, and they keep me from living my life fully, wholly, in every moment, whatever it offers.
Rather than try to become “better”, aim for Wholeness. Welcome it all in. Become whole, rather than partial.
This is the path of growth, the path of spirituality, the path of personal evolution. To bravely hold all those pieces of ourselves in arms bigger than our physical ones, and love them back into Wholeness. This is another aspect of Yoga, Oneness, Union.
Every part of oneself, and of life, is valuable and precious. Just as the antidote to a poisonous plant usually grows nearby it, the painful wounds carry within them the very medicine we need to become whole. Embrace your Wholeness – the wound and the healing.
Your saving grace – what brings you back to your heart and spirit – could be whatever you’re feeling in your own heart. It could be right outside your door, too. Everything in nature matters and is part of the whole of the ecosystem; even the dead stumps, the compost, and the pesky insects. Step outside, be present with the earth, and feel what it awakens in you. Let it reflect to you the experience of wholeness within you, ever present.
Want to discover more of your wholeness and oneness right now? Here’s a free meditation for you – Essence, Silence, and Oneness.
by Connie Habash | Jan 14, 2025 | Acceptance, Authenticity, Winter
A harsh task-master, winter forces us to accept what is and respond appropriately – and also brings refreshing honesty and authenticity.
Winter can’t be denied. Much as we’d like to pretend it’s a balmy spring day or a warm summer afternoon, the bitter wind stings the eyes and our hands feel like ice. If we live where there’s snow, we can try backing the car out the driveway, hoping it will plow the way through the white piles, or accept the reality that it’s better to just shovel the snow and clear the way, rather than getting stuck. Even here in sunny and mild California, we feel the change during winter and respond appropriately.
Facing Reality with Clarity
That’s what winter calls forth in us: the acceptance of reality and the appropriate response. Life is the way it is, in every given moment. It’s easy to accept this when things are good. But wintertime challenges us in many ways. The cold, stormy, unpredictable weather forces us to layer our clothes, protect our extremities, chop the wood, pay more for our heating bills, and stock up on necessities for those days we can’t leave the house. By necessity, we recognize what nature demands of us and then change our behavior accordingly.
The reality of winter is sometimes stark. Barren trees fill the orchard, their dark, pointed forms rising sharply from the snowy mantle covering the soil, harshly contrasted against the bright, clear winter sun.
This stark reality may be revealed in your life right now, too. As a blizzard may be raging outside your cabin in Lake Tahoe or your apartment in Manhattan, you may find a blizzard of bills arriving in the mailbox to bring attention to your spending habits. An injury, new or old, will not let you continue to ignore or abuse your body. Outbursts of rage make the underlying tension, fear, or sorrow undeniable and call for us to deal with these emotions directly and promptly. Winter doesn’t mince words and won’t wait for a more convenient time to make its voice known.
The Gift of Truthfulness
Yet this ruthless taskmaster offers us a great gift amidst its strict manner — clarity and truthfulness. We are no longer under our self-imposed delusions: we see things as they are. This is the practice of Satya, the recognition of Truth. The weight of our denial and avoidance, which becomes heavier the more we run from reality, is lifted. This brings lightness to our hearts, allowing ourselves to feel the grief we’ve long suppressed, and to accept, yes, it’s time to get my health in order. Now.
Allow this refreshing time of honesty and clarity to turn yourself inward, seeing yourself as you are. To accept the good and the bad, the pleasant and unpleasant, with frankness. It is when we see reality as it is that we can respond in a way that serves our highest good.
Embracing Authenticity and Renewal
Clarity allows us to take right action. When we know our health is suffering and really get it, down to our bones, we’ll get off our butt and exercise or change our diet. If winter brings to light that our emotions are running and ruining our lives, we’ll make the call and see a counselor or a friend for help. The cold season humbles us so that we recognize: yes, we, too, are imperfect human beings. Rather than avoiding our imperfections, we can embrace them with acceptance and give them the support they need.
Surprisingly, when we allow ourselves to humbly accept our own personal reality, the possibility for greater happiness arises. Because we can simply be who we are. No more pretense, trying to dress up our wintertime challenges as springtime daffodils. We can begin to see the beauty of our true self, rather than who we’ve been pretending or trying to be.
This new authenticity exposes aspects of yourself you may have overlooked. Think of the things you see in the winter that you didn’t notice before: the squirrel’s nest in the oak tree, hidden amongst the summer foliage; the shape of the trunk and its vast network of branches; the gnarled root system, with its bumps and turns, spread out through the lawn.
Nurturing Inner Strength for Spring
Our inner foundations are brought to the surface of our awareness for an overhaul in the cold season. Imagine what other qualities lie within you, waiting to be revealed when the snow melts and the possibilities of spring burst forth from the seemingly barren earth. When the first flowers emerge from their bulbs, you may then see the strength, joy, health, inspiration, and motivation that lay within the bare bones of yourself.
The same orchard scene can then be perceived anew. What were once harsh lines reveal themselves as clear contrasts. Dark, wrinkled bark next to brilliant blue sky. Pointed twigs, tiny buds emerging, hang over round, snow-glazed bushes. The hardness of the tree trunk brushes the soft, sparkling mantle of white. Winter exposes the line and form, the bare bones of nature and ourselves. A new beauty unfolds in seeing life with clarity and unabashed honesty. Accept this reality and open yourself to a clear vision not only of the present moment, but of the coming springtime in your life.
Ready to embrace more clarity and take action toward renewal? Dive deeper into your journey with Spiritual Mentoring.
by Connie Habash | Aug 24, 2024 | Acceptance, Divine, Higher Self, True Self
It’s a standard response to the question, “how are you?” But what are you really saying when you respond as “Fine.”? Fine can become a powerful declaration of your highest self and change how you see others, too.
Most of us have said it – I’m fine. We might believe that people don’t really want to know how we are, so it’s easy to say it and dismiss a conversation beneath the surface.
The 4 Meanings of the Response “I’m Fine”
Typically, there are 4 things that “I’m fine” can mean:
- The standard response – i.e., so you don’t have to think about it. It just comes out of us automatically.
- Cut-off response – i.e., I wouldn’t tell you anyway.
- F.I.N.E. – I heard this version from Janina Fisher, author of Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma. It’s code for “Fucked-up, Insecure, Nervous, and Emotional”. But prefer not to say it directly.
- Honest answer – you really are pretty good, doing OK.
However, “fine” can be transformed. This declaration can become an empowering statement, even a transcendent one. And no one else needs to know other than you.
Less-Commonly Used Meanings of Fine
Let’s look at a few of the other definitions of the word fine from the Merriam-Webster dictionary. They are not so frequently used, but can shift our perspective on when we respond this way.
- Superior in kind, quality, or appearance – we know this one. When a woman is described as looking fine. It’s also related to being refined.
- Delicate, subtle, or sensitive in quality, perception, or discrimination
- Free from impurity – this is in reference to the purity of a metal
Think about how you could apply these to your inner qualities and your spiritual essence.
Superior in Quality
Alright, I’m not suggesting that we become boastful or that our egos get out of control. But when we identify with our Divine Self, we align with the highest qualities we can be. Our soul is indeed fine – it transcends our reactivity, shortcomings, and negative thoughts.
Remember that your True Self is refined, or above and beyond your self-imposed limits. You don’t need to keep identifying with the mistakes you have made; you can acknowledge that they have happened, but your Divine Self is who you are, not the things you have done, good or bad.
Keep this in mind in your interactions with others, too. You can choose to believe the more empowering meaning when they respond with “fine.” Rather than being quick to judge, can you allow yourself to perceive their finer qualities and their Divine Self?
Sensitive in Quality and Perception
As we evolve spiritually, we tend to become more sensitive. We increase in awareness and can perceive and detect emotions and energy more strongly than ever before, whether in ourselves or others. Although sometimes this is a challenge (see Highly Sensitive Persons, or Empaths), it’s a sign that our consciousness is expanding and we are much more finely attuned to people and the world around us. You can affirm and appreciate your new, fine gifts!
Free From Impurity
This is another acknowledgement of your Spirit. Many of us are so hard on ourselves. We focus on all our flaws, or believe that we have fatal ones. Again, similar to the “superior in quality” definition of “fine”, we can use this word to remember that the Divine has no blemishes. It is inherently pure and true. That is who we really are, but we need to look beyond the outer appearances to perceive the pure Divine Self within. In every living being, including you.
Just Between You and Me
Sure, you could just keep saying the standard “I’m fine” whenever anyone checks in with your well-being. But you can also have a secret smile and let it be an uplifting affirmation – and you don’t need to tell anyone else what you’re thinking.
The next time you hear it come out of your mouth (or someone else’s), you can choose to focus differently. You can allow “fine” to direct your thoughts and attitude towards your highest Self, your refined awareness, and the pure essence within you and all others. This “fine” is a powerful declaration that can transform your outlook on yourself and your life.
You’re fine, and I’m fine. Let it be our little secret. 🙂
If being highly sensitive causes anxiety and stress, you can discover your True Self and the finer qualities of calm, courage, and confidence with my book, Awakening from Anxiety.
by Connie Habash | Dec 18, 2021 | Acceptance, Forgiveness, Judgment, Mistakes, Perfectionism
We know that we all make mistakes, but often we’re shocked when we actually do. Mistakes are part of the game on planet Earth. Here’s a shift in perception that helps you respond to them with more grace and acceptance.
The other day, I sent out an email to my entire email list that was intended for only 10% of it. Yeesh. I was embarrassed and worried what people would think. I berated myself for not checking more carefully before I hit send.
But then I stopped. I’m a recovering Perfectionist (after all, I’m a Virgo!). It’s an old pattern of mine to be really hard on myself for mistakes. You, too? By reflecting on my reactions to my error, I shifted myself out of that pattern by acceptance and changing my expectations. Here are my insights.
What is a Mis-Take?
A mistake is much like those outtakes that you see from movies – the bloops and scenes gone wrong. In the filming industry, it’s expected – that’s why they say, “scene 1, take 1”. They know that people will mess up, forget their lines, deliver them wrong, or unexpected things can happen and they need a do-over.
You can have a similar attitude about your mis-takes. Look at it as take 1, or take 15 – whatever. We’re all expected to make these mis-takes here on planet Earth. For some of your mis-takes, you may even be able to have a sense of humor about them, just like those outtakes we see from our favorite movies.
Our Spiritual Journey into Form
Yes, we actually came here, from a spiritual perspective, to have the opportunity to make mistakes. This is our playground and our experimental lab as spiritual beings. You can’t beat coming into physical form for opportunities to learn what works and what doesn’t.
So we chose to come here so that we could make mistakes and learn about them. We could try new things and explore ways to create, change, and transform. The spirit world just doesn’t compare to the opportunities in a physical world such as ours to explore relationships, test our physical limits, learn about boundaries, discover the senses, and how to be mindful in our choices.
Appreciate that you were not coming here to be perfect – you came here to learn, explore, challenge, and miss the mark sometimes.
The Idea of Perfection
We are so hard on ourselves when we make an error – even small ones. We can really beat ourselves up for blurting out something that may have been inappropriate or messing up our checkbook (yeah, I still use one!). And we can be absolutely ruthless and unforgiving when we make a bigger mistake.
I believe that we beat ourselves up so badly because we have a conscious or unconscious expectation of perfection. Perfection is a human-created idea, not Divine. The Divine is beyond any human ideas of perfect or imperfect; it transcends definition. But we have created this “perfect” idea and then project it on Spirit, and project that expectation on ourselves.
If we didn’t expect perfection in ourselves, we could embrace the times when we mess up, consider how we would like to change, what we learned from the experience, and then move on. It’s the attachment to perfection – that we should never ever make those mistakes – that causes our suffering.
Then, that shame continues the suffering. The more we shame ourselves, the less confident we’ll feel in our next endeavor, which sets up the likelihood that we’ll make another mistake and the cycle starts all over again.
Let go of the idea of “perfect” and your expectations around it. That’s been a big game-changer for me in how I respond when I make a mistake.
Learn from Your Mistakes?
I do have a caveat, though, about the idea of “learning from your mistakes.” Sure, it’s a great idea – we all want to learn and to do better. But there’s also an implication that we should “never do that again.”
Well, unfortunately, that’s not how it often rolls. Even us “spiritual people” have repeated mistakes – spirituality is messy. It’s not the first time that I sent out an email by mistake. I’ve made lots of mistakes as a parent, admittedly repeating some of them. You probably have repeated certain mistakes when you have sworn you’d never do them again.
We’re going to learn new and different things even when we make a similar mistake again. It’s OK. It’s part of how life goes. You can have the intent to not repeat it, but please don’t hold that one over your head. Be gentle with yourself; learning and growing here on planet Earth is a tall task, not taken lightly! Do the best you can, and know that it really varies what your “best” is from moment to moment.
Forgiveness is Built-In
Because we literally came here to explore and be willing to make mistakes, forgiveness is built-in. The Divine isn’t judging us; we are.
Yes, we can learn from what we’ve done; it’s part of what is exciting about being in the physical world. No need to beat ourselves up for mistakes, though. Why intentionally come here to be able to make mistakes if forgiveness isn’t also part of the deal?
Forgiving ourselves (and others) is about releasing the past from continuing to impede on our present. We can forgive and learn, while letting go of ruminations, regret, and self-rejection. When we forgive, we are able to move forward into who we are becoming, not flogging ourselves with what we did.
The Keys to When You Make Mistakes
Remember these keys to changing your response when you make a mistake. When you do something “wrong” or in error, it’s like a mis-take in your own movie of life. Give yourself all the “takes” you need. We came into form in order to have the freedom to be able to explore, which includes mistakes. Perfection isn’t a Divinely-held measuring stick; it’s a human-created concept that doesn’t really exist.
Accept yourself, release those expectations, and if you repeat a mistake, it’s par for the course. Know that you’re already forgiven. Release the judgment and allow yourself the freedom to keep exploring, learning, and growing through this lifetime and beyond.
What are your insights about making mistakes? Share them here.
by Connie Habash | Nov 29, 2021 | Acceptance, Appreciation, Holidays, Nonattachment
Find the holidays challenging? It could be expectations that cause our disappointment and stress. To find that inner peace we seek, try non-attachment throughout the season.
We have officially entered “the holiday season” here in the United States. When I was a kid, I was so excited about the holidays. Growing up celebrating Christmas, I had a lot of expectations about Santa, presents, beautiful decorations, great food, and fun, fun, fun! It didn’t always turn out the way I expected, though.
Expectations Lead to Disappointment
As adults, we may have expectations of this time of year, too. Maybe we want to have quality time with friends, to be able to travel (for pleasure or to see family), or to create the perfect holiday experience for our children. Once again, our expectations may not always pan out. That can lead us to feeling disappointed and down.
That’s where Non-Attachment – known as Vairagya in yoga philosophy – is very helpful. We can intend things to go well, but let go of our attachment to the results. It’s not a cold attitude, like indifference, but rather it’s an openness to outcome that arises from an open and trusting heart.
Open to Outcomes
Non-attachment allows us to appreciate what is here, rather than continue to seek what isn’t. If our happiness is always over there rather than where we are, we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what life already offers us. What can you appreciate about this season? Colorful lights, smiles on children’s faces, the smell of pine trees or something delicious cooking? Find things that you can enjoy with how it is, and release your attachment to what appears to be missing.
It’s possible to enjoy a holiday gathering just as it is, and release our expectation that it be a certain way. We can receive a gift graciously, appreciating the intent even if it’s not what we hoped for. This doesn’t mean we pretend to like something that may be unpleasant, but that we let go of needing things our way in order to be content. Be open to outcome, and perhaps you’ll find happiness in the unexpected.
Non-Attachment to How We Feel
Not only can we practice non-attachment to outcomes; we can practice non-attachment to how we feel. Non-attachment does not judge. We might put pressure on ourselves to feel happy and enthusiastic about parties, family gatherings, or holiday shopping. Our feelings are valid and real. Sometimes, we may be triggered by these events and need to stay home and practice self-care. Non-attachment allows us to accept ourselves, too, for however we feel, and respond to our emotions open-heartedly.
Try practicing non-attachment this season. Open your heart, release expectations and judgment, appreciate what you have, and be open to outcome. See if it reduces some of the stress of the season and brings more contentment and inner peace.
Feel free to share here your holiday challenges, and what you are practicing non-attachment with. 🙏
by Connie Habash | Oct 14, 2021 | Acceptance, Articles, Awareness, Challenges, Change, Judgment
Do you struggle with self-judgment? You’re not alone. It’s a fallacy to believe that you have to judge yourself in order to change. Here’s a more gentle and transformative way.
Every one of us has habits that we’d like to change. On the path of personal growth and awakening, this is especially true of our mental habits. It takes a firm resolve to transform negative thought patterns into positive ones. But we cause unnecessary upset by judging ourselves whenever we catch our minds in the act of the less-than-desirable behavior.
It doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn to catch ourselves when we’re caught up in old habits with kind attention and determination rather than judgment and shame.
Those Pesky Thoughts
The most difficult habit to change, in my experience, is the way we think. Our habitual thought-patterns usually have been around for a very long time. As a result, it takes a bit more effort to create those internal shifts of awareness and attention.
When we become aware of our thought patterns, we may notice how much they dominate our day. They bounce around in our heads like a volleyball, taking leaps from here to there in our awareness. It’s often hard to catch up to where those pesky thoughts are headed, or to stop them in action.
The Unhealthy Thought Patterns
We can all identify ways of thinking that cause us trouble. Some of these might be familiar to you:
- I’m not good enough
- Life isn’t fair
- I’ll never be able to ___________
- Why me?
What thoughts would you add to this list? What ones cause you the most trouble?
The thoughts themselves aren’t the big issue – it’s when we 1) believe the thoughts and 2) perpetuate the thoughts that problems arise in our lives.
Notice What You’re Thinking
The first step in creating change in our thoughts is awareness. You can’t change something that you’re not aware of. We may be having all kinds of thoughts that operate as a subconscious, or even unconscious, level of awareness.
To become aware of our mental processes, we need to set aside time to do that. But it doesn’t have to impinge much on our day. If you’re waiting at the doctor’s office, check in with your thoughts. While at a traffic light, notice what’s in your mental awareness. You can find bits of time here and there to become more aware.
When you have more time, it’s very helpful to journal. Try a Stream of Consciousness exercise: simply write down, for 3-5 minutes, every single thought you’re having. No censoring, no punctuation or grammar check, just write it all down however it comes out. It can be surprising to discover everything that goes on in that mind of yours – especially thoughts that take you out of the present moment or cause you to suffer!
Question Your Thinking – Gently
Most of the time, our thoughts slip by our awareness undetected – and unquestioned. We tend to believe, consciously or unconsciously, what we think. And if we don’t question our thoughts, they’ll determine our experiences, perceptions, and often our behaviors.
If you want to change something, the thoughts need to change that reinforce that behavior or belief. The truth is, you have thoughts, but they don’t own you. They aren’t who you are. You can observe and witness them. And because of that, you can question them.
Are the thoughts you’re having what you truly want to have? Do they support, assist, and serve you or others? Are they helpful and encouraging? Do they create what you want in your life? Are they worth believing in?
If you answered no, then question them. Reconsider if they’re worth having around. You don’t have to attack them, or judge yourself for having them. They’ve been around for a long time, remember? You probably created them at at time when they seemed like the best alternative. They were probably a reaction to what was going on around you.
But you don’t have to keep them! At any time, you can question what you are thinking – with kind, gentle awareness and attention – and decide that you don’t need or want a thought. You’re in charge, not your thoughts (even if you have a thought that no, really, those thoughts are in control!).
A Sense of Humor
Really, you don’t have to take all those annoying, unhelpful thoughts seriously. I mean, if we could hear everyone’s thoughts, it would be nuts, right?
Think of some of the most ridiculous thoughts you may have had. We all have them. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. We don’t need to judge ourselves for having silly or annoying thoughts. We also don’t have to judge ourselves for having upsetting, scary, or hurtful thoughts. You aren’t your thoughts, and when you start to get more distance from them and look at them as something you’re experiencing, not who you are, you might become a bit amused about how incessant and outrageous they are.
Toss Those Thoughts Back – and Change the Game
After you’ve become aware of your thoughts, questioned them a bit, and even looked at them with some sense of humor, you may have developed enough neutral distance between you and your thoughts to change the game. If those thoughts are bouncing around in your mind like a volleyball, catch the ball and toss it back to the sideline. You don’t have to play!
Change the game. You don’t have to be at the whim of the ball. You – your True Self within, that watches the thoughts but isn’t them – can decide what to do next.
What direction do you want to turn your attention to? If you’re having thoughts of not being good enough, it’s not so easy to just decide that you’re good enough. Turn your attention to something specific about you that is good enough in this moment. You may be breathing deeply enough, sincere about your growth, or know that you have a kind heart, even if it isn’t perfect.
Letting Go of Thinking Altogether
What might be more effective is letting go of thinking at all. Here in this moment, sitting at your computer, perhaps in a chair, is OK. That is what is real right now. Take a look around and see what is real around you right now. Maybe a dog at your feet, or the sound of crickets or rain outside the window. Everything else in your mind is a story that you don’t have to keep writing.
Don’t expect to completely silence all your thoughts – they will probably still bounce around here and there in your awareness. Redirect the game to being as fully present as possible with what is really here, right now. The more inner quiet you experience, the more you’ll be able to change your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions when they arise.
It is possible to change. And you can change yourself kindly and light-heartedly, without judging yourself.
Do you struggle with judging yourself? Counseling or Spiritual Mentoring can help you change and transform how you perceive and care for yourself. Contact Rev. Connie for a free 20-minute consultation.
by Connie Habash | Aug 25, 2021 | Acceptance, Acknowledgement, Appreciation, Happiness
Recently, I had an inspiring, energizing, and engaging reading with Eliyahu Jian – an author, rabbi, and life & spiritual coach. It was a delightful experience, because he saw parts of myself that few others have. I laughed, cried, was a bit surprised, and uplifted.
It’s the magic of Being Seen – when someone connects with your essence and reflects it to you in a way that you feel truly honored, recognized, and appreciated.
Naturally, we want others to see us in this deep and nurturing way. But most importantly, we need to be Seen by our own selves.
Good Enough
Much of the time, we aren’t seeing ourselves accurately or in a helpful way. We are self-critical. We orient towards our flaws and what we lack, and we compare ourselves to others. This is an unhealthy habit of attention and is the root cause of anxiety and depression. Yes, it is a habit of attention – and habits can change. We can learn to shift how we see ourselves.
We can learn to view ourselves as “good enough”. Which of course means that we aren’t perfect, yet we see the good in ourselves. When we feel seen, by others or ourselves, we experience that sense of value and worthiness, that “good-enoughness”. That is the doorway to truly seeing all of ourselves.
Self-Improvement vs. Growth and Expansion
Be mindful of the tendency to “improve” yourself. Although it sounds altruistic, the very implication of self-improvement is that we’re not good enough as we are. It overlooks all the gifts, talents, qualities, and blessings that we already possess within.
Sure, continue on the path of growth (I certainly am!), but reframe it as a path of continuous unfolding into more of who you truly are. You are expanding into a greater capacity to shine with those gifts.
Practice Seeing Your Divine Self
It’s important to have a practice of being seen for your Divine Self within, by yourself. What are the gifts, talents, qualities, and blessings you already possess within you? Are you generous, considerate, self-motivated, conscientious, deeply feeling, or organized? Think of words that describe your positive qualities and skills, and special things about your personality. Write them down. List at least 10 that you can refer back to – and add to – so that you are sure to see all of who you are, not just the things you want to change.
Don’t expect perfection – you’re not going to be these qualities or reveal these blessings that lie within you all the time. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. The sun is always shining behind the clouds or on the other side of the planet. There’s just some weather blowing through that has obscured your vision. You’re not the weather, you’re the sun.
The New Habit of Seeing Yourself
Develop a habit of seeing, acknowledging, appreciating, and loving your True Self. Your True Self is unlimited by personality and the “weather”. It is the highest expression of who you came here to be; your Divine Essence.
If you don’t make the effort to pay attention to it, you won’t see yourself accurately. But if you do develop this habit of attending to your True Self, you’ll feel happier, lighter, yet more centered and grounded. You will know who you truly are. You’ll enjoy yourself and life more, and have more to offer the world, because all those gifts are inside waiting to be seen by you!
by Connie Habash | Jul 14, 2020 | Acceptance, Attachment, Challenges, Choices, Contentment, Destiny, Determination, Nonattachment, Suffering, Yoga Philosophy
Spiritual, psychological, and yogic insights from Hamilton, an iconic musical so applicable to our times.
Like millions of others over the 4th of July weekend, I watched – for the first time! – the Broadway hit musical, Hamilton. I knew it would be great, but had no idea how much it would impact me, and the many insights it revealed about my life and our world, right now. As the song from the musical says, “History Has Its Eyes on You” and me, as I’ll explain below.
Beyond the amazing music, acting, choreography, set, and costumes, so many themes, both personal and spiritual, emerged for me from this theatrical experience. It touched deep emotions and issues that resurfaced from this story about Alexander Hamilton’s life.
Just in case you don’t know, Alexander Hamilton was one of the “founding fathers” of the United States of America. He isn’t talked about as much because he was never a President (as an immigrant, he never could be), but his face does make the $10 bill due to being our first Secretary of the Treasury. His life was as fascinating as it was impactful on the beginnings of our nation – making a powerful story to convey through a musical, much to the surprise of many when it first debuted.
This is a bit of a different blog post than I usually write (and longer, too), and I have to admit that it swam around in me for over a week and I resisted. I avoided and was overwhelmed. It touched old pain in me, and also old patterns that I thought I had laid to rest long ago. I feel that by writing this, I’m helping to close those chapters again and put to rest my obsession for the last week and a half with this story.
I won’t be able to tell you the full tale, but if you haven’t seen it, it’s well worth it. Here’s my insights that arose for me from watching it (with references to the songs so you can have some of your own experience).
Is it Destiny? Is it Determination?
Hamilton begins with a bit of personal history about how he grew up, which lays context for how and why he does what he does with his life. The first lines of the musical:
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore
And a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot
In the Caribbean by providence impoverished
In squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
His father left him when he was 10, his mother died two years later, he moved in with his cousin and his cousin committed suicide. Wow. What a painful beginning to life, and a testament to how he pulled himself up by his own bootstraps, against all adversity. He immigrated to the United States from the Carribean to make a name for himself and contribute to the American Revolution.
His fervor for pursuing both his principles and notoriety were fueled by this spirit of surviving and thriving in him. It was principle, but also pride. His hubris took him very far in influence and the public eye, but also was his undoing.
He wondered why he had lived, when others around him died. It brings up a question of destiny vs. determination. Did he will himself to survive, even through a hurricane? It seems that both were in play.
We are often, in spiritual circles, playing with these ideas – of “creating your reality” or being affected by karma. Through Hamilton, we can see them both manifest; he survives through tremendous adversity that is out of his control – perhaps fate? – but clearly creates both his great success (as the theme of the song “My Shot” reprises throughout the musical) and his ultimate demise through insistence on speaking his full and complete truth.
His Adversary – and Flip Side of the Coin
Aaron Burr – Hamilton’s first friend in America, and eventual enemy – plays a pivotal role in the musical, and ultimately, in Hamilton’s life and death. Just as ambitious as Hamilton, Burr takes a very different tactic to work towards his goals: restraint. He tries not to ruffle any feathers, smiles, talks less, and tries to figure out what other people want from him.
Burr is stunned – and jealous – by Alexander’s meteoric rise to fame and power from sheer determination and deftness with the pen. But Burr sticks by his philosophy to “Wait for It.” He’s willing to be patient, bide his time, and trust that he’ll eventually receive the accolades he desperately longs for (and the woman he is in love with, too).
Raga and Dvesha, At It Again
At first, I thought there was merit in Burr’s patience. After all, it is a spiritual quality, no? But looking more deeply, as the musical progresses, I see that Burr is caught in the same egoic drive as Hamilton, but he is simply coming at his ambition from the other direction.
It reminds me of the yogic concepts of Raga (desire) and Dvesha (aversion). You could actually think of both concepts as desire, but Raga is desire expressed by attraction to what you want, and Dvesha as desire expressed as avoiding what you don’t want so that you can experience what you want. These concepts are two of the causes of suffering according to yoga philosophy, and understandably so. There’s never an end to what we could desire nor is there any shortage of what we’d like to avoid (especially during these COVID-19 days).
Hamilton’s life seems driven by Raga. It’s all about his desire for recognition, intellectual prowess, fame, position, and even his flirtatious and sexual distractions. He’s never satisfied – and more on that shortly.
Burr likewise is obsessed with what he wants (expressed later in the musical in the song, “The Room Where It Happens”) – attention, recognition, power – but his path is one of trying to avoid upsetting anyone or taking any risks. Dvesha runs his life, and he even believes it’s a virtue by convincing himself he’s just patiently waiting for it. But patience is only a virtue when we are able to practice non-attachment to outcome. True patience is trusting in the Divine, knowing that the result is in our highest good, no matter what unfolds. For Burr, in his own way, he’s never satisfied, either, no matter how long he “Waits for It.”
Contentment? Not Here!
One of the most emotional moments of the musical, that hit home in so many ways, was when Angelica, who becomes Hamilton’s sister in law, sings “Satisfied.” She, too, has Hamilton’s disposition – knowing she’s smarter than most others, and ambitious, too, she wishes for her sister, Eliza, and Hamilton’s satisfaction in their marriage, although she knows both Hamilton and herself will likely never be satisfied.
My favorite spiritual principle from yoga philosophy, which I return to again and again, is contentment – Santosha – and I can see how that lack of contentment wrecks havoc in the lives of Hamilton, Burr, and Angelica. It’s been a painful one for me, too, as my pattern from early childhood was to always be seeking more and trying to be more. Although, in a small way, it has brought me success, many years ago I recognized that this discontent as my driver (and the inner self-doubt that was its constant companion) caused me a lot of misery and couldn’t carry me to true satisfaction. Only through Santosha could I find peace and fulfillment in the present moment.
I can’t help crying when I hear Angelica singing this song. How many of us have suffered from the inability to feel Santosha – to allow ourselves to feel content with what is, rather than always longing for something else, something more.
George Washington’s Integrity
I know GW was a slave holder and not a perfect man, but here in the musical (and honoring his great contributions to creating our nation), I felt he was a holder of integrity, clarity, and vision. You could feel the power of his leadership. It never appeared self-serving nor dissatisfied, but clearly focused on the goal. He had a vision and sense of intent in his actions that was powerful, and if the historical figure indeed was similar, I can see how he was the perfect leader to carry these young colonies through the Revolutionary War.
Later in the musical and in time, Washington steps down from the Presidency as he refused to run for a third term. He knew when he had done enough, and was a peace with it – an expression, for me, of Santosha. Content with having done his best, he was able to let it go, trusting in the new process of the government he helped to create, and setting the example for a change in power.
I probably cried the most with the song, “History Has Its Eyes on You.” Such an intense and moving connecting between Washington and Hamilton in that moment, and it is carried forth as a theme through the rest of the musical. The importance of that phrase stuck with me, right now in our history of the world, and in our personal lives. I’ll get to more of that near the end of this post.
The World Turned Upside Down
The song about the final battle, the Battle of Yorktown, has the refrain “The World Turned Upside Down”. This one was really moving for me, too – such an amazing theatrical portrayal of the battle and the transformation our country and the world underwent through defeating the British and winning our freedom.
I couldn’t help but reflect on the state of our own world right now. For most of us, it really does feel like our world has turned upside down. Whether you’re looking at climate change, Black Lives Matter, our political system, or COVID-19, we’ve been met with surprise and shock and stun all year long, and it doesn’t look like it will let up. In every case, it’s really up to us to right the ship, on a new course. We can’t go back. For me, the song is a reminder that we’re in a challenging time and it’s up to us, just like it was up to the young Americans, to do something about it.
It also happens to be my favorite song in the musical. 🙂 Um, maybe?
[just have to mention a couple asides: though I don’t have any spiritual thoughts about it, the songs that King George sings are stellar and hysterical! And my favorite actor is Daveed Diggs, whose portrayals of Lafayette and Jefferson were the most fun and memorable for me.]
Loss and Pain
As if I didn’t cry enough through the first act, I was sobbing through most of the second act. So many losses – the death of his son through a duel, the death of his friend John Laurens (maybe in the 1st act?), the loss of the love of his wife after he cheated on her. The downward spiral that Hamilton seemed stuck in was painful to watch, right down to his own demise from a duel (another egoic trap – weren’t all duels?).
I find it hard to imagine that it wouldn’t touch on everyone’s losses in their life; the loved ones that have died, the hurt done to us, and the things we’ve done that have hurt others.
Hamilton made an extraordinary impact on the birth of our nation – but he also hurt a lot of people, too. The power of one person to build up or destroy. He’s a mixed bag. Most of us are, and fortunately not as extreme as he is. His wife forgave him, and carried on service to the country for 50 years after his death.
It’s humbling to consider how she turned her pain and loss into caring for the greater good, by standing up against slavery, raising funds for building the Washington Monument, and founding an orphanage in New York, which is still there to this day. And, of course, compiling his writings and telling Hamilton’s story for generations to come to learn from. We, too, can transform our pain and losses – even our mistakes – into growth and lessons for how to better care for others, our planet, and even ourselves. We don’t have to stay stuck in the sorrow.
Burr’s Revelation
Burr’s political career slowed after he killed Hamilton in a duel. I don’t know what happened to the actual Burr, but in the musical he realizes that the “World Was Wide Enough” for both Hamilton and Burr. This is a spiritual realization of sorts.
The truth is that there’s enough room for all of us to make a difference and fulfill our purpose. Each of us has something to contribute. It’s easy for us to get jealous or competitive with people who follow a similar path or career. But there really is room for us all, and not just room, but we’re all needed. Each of us has a role to play – Burr did, too.
It doesn’t matter if we’re the one getting all the attention or not – only the choices that we make in our lives and what we choose to contribute matter. What other people think or say is not just unimportant – it’s not in our control. But we can decide to write our own story.
History is Written by You
I mentioned earlier that the theme from the song “History Has Its Eyes on You” is woven through the second half of the musical. These young revolutionaries knew they would alter the course of history, and so they should be mindful of the choices they make.
We’re at a pivotal time in our world history right now, too. Each of us is contributing to what will be told a hundred years from now. It wasn’t just the founding fathers, but the collective actions of the American colonists – women and men – that changed our trajectory. We have those choices now, with the leadership of our nation, creating true equality, overcoming corona virus, and healing our planet.
We can learn from the stories we hear of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. One was passionate, spoke out for the truth, but was never satisfied and hurt many. The other was patient and kept his thoughts to himself, didn’t offend, and didn’t take risks (except for killing Hamilton, a bad decision), but may not have lived up to his potential and likewise wasn’t content with his life.
Can we find the middle ground? We can discover how to speak our truth and be empowered from our own heart, rather than through putting down others. We can learn to wait patiently, trust in the Divine, and let go of our attachment to outcome. We can take action on what truly matters to us without expecting perfection, and let it be good enough. Like George Washington, we can do our best and then let it go when it’s time to step back.
You Tell Your Story
The musical ends with one of the most moving pieces, “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?” These are the things that we don’t have control over. At a certain point, we must surrender control to something greater than us, and simply do our best in each present moment.
I doubt anyone will be telling my story in a hundred years, and what does that matter? What’s important is our own stories we write of our lives. Every day, we’re telling our own story. Is it one that you enjoy, that you feel proud of? That’s meaningful to you? That has touched your heart and soul, and that of at least one other in this world? Your story matters, because it is yours. It’s your life, and you get to create your story.
You can change your own history, right now. We can’t control who tells our story, if anyone, after we die. But right in this moment, we can live our story. If you don’t like the story so far, you can start a new chapter right now. You are the author, and you can be who you came here to be. No one else can write it for you – you’re the only one who has the power to do so.
Take inspiration from Eliza Hamilton, who committed to living her principles and making a difference, in spite of all the pain she suffered. Imagine if each of us did that. Our collective story can be one of healing, unity, and peace. And that’s a story that will be heard in a hundred years. Our History Has Its Eyes on You and Me.
Thanks for reading my insights from Hamilton. What impacted you from watching Hamilton? What spiritual themes did you see? I’d love to hear from you.
by Connie Habash | Jan 16, 2020 | Acceptance, Compassion, Healing, Judgment
Whether it’s a Judeo-Christian form of the Divine or some other perception of “God,” many of us struggle with feeling that we don’t live up to Divine expectations of us. It’s time to change that perception.
I have seen it in myself and many others – the internalized, judgmental God. It’s the inner critic we are so accustomed to battling, but formed into a deity we may have grown up with. It feels all-powerful and punishing; but we can transform it into the unconditionally loving presence that the Divine truly is.
When I was little, my parents took me to Sunday school at our church – a Presbytarian, traditional, conservative community in Southern California. There, I learned two ideas about God: the form of Jesus, that “loved me”; and then this other, less clear idea of the Divine that was judging me for my “sins”. Apparently, I was doing something bad and although I was loved anyway, it didn’t make me feel much better.
I was fixated on that “badness”. Unconsciously, I went on an internal investigation to root out those parts of myself that God probably wasn’t pleased with. I became a perfectionist (although, honestly, I was probably born that way), seeing everything through the lens of what’s wrong and how I can fix it. Especially myself.
It’s hard to live feeling like you’re always being judged, isn’t it? I didn’t understand at such a young age, when these ideas were impressed upon me, that the only one judging me was actually me.
The Internalized Judgmental God
I had internalized the sense of a God that criticizes, judges, and punishes our shortcomings. It became part of my own psyche, and repeatedly wounded me.
I cast a punishing, scathing old man or woman in the judge’s chair, always finding fault. There was the allure of salvation in discovering the fault myself and then trying to make amends or fix that imperfection. But of course, there’s always something else. I could never attain “good enough” status.
Self-Harm
The habit of trying to eradicate what I deemed was sub-par in myself is a violent tendency. “Getting rid of” and “fixing” cause us to torment, reject, and destroy parts of ourselves. What we do to ourselves psychically in the name of pleasing a critical “God” is self-harm. Cutting ourselves up into pieces we like, and pieces we don’t like; trying to discard the latter.
In fact, I had such a compulsion to get rid of imperfections that I developed a mild skin picking disorder – one I still struggle with to this day. Self-injury through mental chastization of this imaginary, judgemental “God” can lead to physical self-harm.
Changing How I saw God – and Myself
My life changed when I recognized this “God” was something that I put in the judge’s chair, and I began seeking what the Divine truly is.
The truth that I have come to know, that changed this whole dynamic for me, is that the Divine is beyond judgment. It is the source of unconditional love, and the source of everything. All of creation has emerged from it, and is an outward expression of this Infinite Source.
The Divine, which is Unconditional Love, sees with Unconditional Love. It sees us as beloved facets of its very own Self. It sees us with eyes of love and acceptance. If we could see ourselves and our lives with those eyes, we would know our blessings, gifts, and beauty. By seeing with Spirit’s eyes, we would know we are wonderful, unique expressions of that creative, loving force.
A Different Way of Growing
But what about spiritual growth, I pondered? Aren’t I supposed to improve and continue to become “better”? Am I not here to grow and unfold as a spiritual being in a human experience? Indeed, all of us are. But there is a different way of growing than finding flaws and trying to rid ourselves of them.
“Trying harder” was transformed into self-acceptance and allowing new qualities to emerge from within me. “Being perfect” needed to give way to embracing my imperfections with compassion, seeing in them opportunities to open my heart more. “Fixing flaws” brought to awareness how I would focus on my problems. Instead, I turned my attention to my gifts, even those hidden in the “flaws”, and what the wounded places in myself were calling for.
The Good Enough/Not Good Enough Polarity
Every day, I stepped out of the good enough/not good enough polarity. “Not good enough” is hard to rewire in the habits of my brain. I was so used to seeing myself in that light.
But swinging to “good enough” wasn’t really the answer, either. By whose standard? What does that really mean? Either end of the polarity implies comparison, judgment, and something outside of myself holding the measuring stick.
We can transcend good enough/not good enough, to step outside of comparison and see ourselves from the perspective of Wholeness. I’d rather be whole and healed than chopped up into pieces I like and pieces I don’t like. I’d rather be whole than to feel good enough in one moment, and then, like a pendulum, be swung back into not good enough the next.
Wholeness sees all of the Self as essential and part of who we are. Every aspect of ourselves has value and is needed. We need both day and night, summer and winter. Wholeness is a principle of healing and of life. Lesley Tierra, L.Ac., author of Healing with the Herbs of Life, states:
“Herbs are a complex, synergistic whole in which each of its chemical parts contributes to, or buffers, the other parts. In separating out and concentrating one active principle from the rest, this important balance is lost.”
So, too, are we humans complex. Were we to remove parts of ourselves that we didn’t like or see value in, we’d lose our balance. We’d destroy aspects that may have had hidden gems in them, beyond our clouded, judgmental perception.
Self-Compassion and Feeding the Demons
Our anger, fear, anxiety, insecurities, even our judgment itself, can offer something to us. It’s essential, as we heal this judgmental “God” within, not to judge the judge. As we embrace our inner judge with compassion, it has the opportunity to soften and transform into our ally.
This is the practice of self-compassion, where we learn to embrace the pain and uncomfortable parts of ourselves with presence, caring, and understanding. It is similar to the Buddhist practice of “feeding the demons.”
These parts of ourselves that are less-than-desirable are places within us that need care and attention, not criticism and rejection. In fact, they likely became such undesirable traits and feelings because of someone else criticizing and rejecting them. We added that to our construction of this judgmental “God” inside of us.
Heal with Compassion
Take some time to connect with the places in you that you criticize and judge. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Allow yourself to relax by taking mindful breaths. Every exhalation helps you to release and soften; every inhalation brings you into the present moment.
Notice what you feel in your body. When you think of what that “God” is judging, note the sensations in the body. Discern where you’re harboring that inner, rejected part of yourself in a palpable way. Feel the sensations.
Then, visualize what you’re judging. What does he, she, or it look like? Sit down with her. Let her know you see her and are there for her. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, hug her, or just sit patiently with her. Ask her how she feels and what she needs. Most of the time, the parts of ourselves that we want to get rid of are wounded parts of our inner child. Children need love and compassion in order to heal, and so do you.
As this part of you heals and is invited into your Wholeness, you’ll be able to see it as a precious part of you. It transforms, as the Buddhists say, into an ally. It becomes a bearer of sacred qualities for you. Give it time. You may have to connect with it many times, or be very patient, for it to transform. But it can, and if you persist, it will.
Allow Yourself to Be Seen by Unconditional Love
Through recognizing that we’ve internalized a judgmental idea of God, identifying our own inner critic, discovering the shamed and rejected parts of ourselves, and healing them into wholeness, we can turn to the Divine with a new perspective.
It can then feel safe enough to allow ourselves to be seen by this unconditionally loving presence. To be seen by God, the Divine, The Creator, Great Spirit – however you label it. We can open to the idea of being cherished, as the one and only unique expression of that Divine spark. It feels good to be truly seen, understood, accepted, and loved. Allow it.
And then see yourself as the Divine truly sees you.
If you struggle with self-compassion and a perception of the Divine that you believe judges you, Spiritual Mentoring could shift you into a loving relationship with Spirit and more kindness towards yourself. Or, pick up a copy of my book, Awakening from Anxiety: A Spiritual Guide to Living a More Calm, Confident, and Courageous Life!
by Connie Habash | Sep 4, 2019 | Acceptance, Nature, Presence, Resilience, Trust
A challenging hike (for me, that day!) to a pristine alpine meadow teaches me the power of presence, trust, and reveals my inner resilience.
The whole day was in front of us, and we decided to take a hike that I hadn’t been on in over 20 years. I barely even remembered it; just where the trailhead was and that we had to ascend and cross over the ridge to the east. Everyone told us that it was just 2 miles, and not very far. My memory suggested it was longer. But I believed them instead of myself.
The call of Mount Shasta’s South Gate Meadows (what I remembered as Squaw Meadow) was enticing for all of us. A lush, Japanese garden-like paradise, with abundant wildflowers and a stunning cascade above it. We had to see it!
I had gotten in the habit of carrying the load for the 3 of us. My husband used to have a sensitive low back, and my daughter was too young for many years to be able to carry much. So I hefted our 3 water bottles, lunches, and snacks (plus her epi-pen for emergencies) myself.
Ascending the First Hill
We were at 7,800 feet to begin. Since we had only been in the Mount Shasta area for a day and a half, we weren’t quite acclimated to the elevation yet. Not to mention that the city level was only a little over 3,500 feet. Quite different hiking up at nearly 8,000.
So, you can guess, that shortly after we started up the rocky incline to the ridge above the treeline, I realized pretty quick that I would have to go slow. And rest a lot. I had about 20 extra pounds on my back. I felt like my 9th trimeseter of pregnancy; I had to request 2 stops in just the first 20 minutes. My mind began its story – this is gonna be hard. I’m already tired – how will I make it? Why am I out of breath?
But we finally made it to the peak, where we stopped for a photo op at the Mount Shasta Wilderness sign. Yay – we were heading into the wild! And I was heading into the wild of my mind.
Down Into the First Valley
Looking down the trail lifted my spirits. Downhill, hurrah! Now my mind played the easy stories, hopeful that it would be downhill the rest of the time. A small oasis appeared in the midst of the volcanic rock landscape. A little preview of the meadow to come; water trickling out of a fissure and allowing heather and little white flowers to abound for about 20 yards down the trail.
As we departed the mini-meadow, the land of puff-balls emerged. Remember the wild, swirly “hair” of the Truffula trees in The Lorax by Dr. Seuss? Or perhaps the crazy hair of Thing 1 and Thing 2 in The Cat in the Hat? Well, these little white puff-balls looked just like tiny Truffula trees, dotting the landscape. I called it puff-ball city. We were quite enamored with them and terribly tempted to pick one to take home – but didn’t.
As we passed by this alien-looking landscape, we ascended a small hill, up to where some trees were eeking out an existence. I was thankful for a rest in some shade, while my daughter happily climbed into their branches. There was another long descent ahead of us into a valley, around the bend of a large outcropping with a sheer cliff-face dotted with a few trees that somehow clung to their lives.
I was briefly delighted at the descent, until the thought crossed my mind; the return trip. We are going down, and down, and down. At the end of the day, how will I fare on the return ascent? I began to feel dejected. But I remembered to return to the present moment. Enjoy the view. Count puff-balls. Appreciate the little pink flowers that occasionally shared the barren landscape with the mini-Truffula trees. And trust the process, of course!
Another Incline Bites the Dust
After meandering down around the butte, we reached a steady climb into an area forested with pine, fir, and perhaps spruce (how do you tell the difference, anyway?). I was back to huffing and puffing.
My ego had to sit on the sidelines as I asked for another break. The thoughts rolled in: how much further? The marker sign we saw a ways back said only half a mile more – it can’t be! We descended for at least a quarter mile, and now we’ve been ascending for more than that. Pairs and small groups of millenials, even some with children, would charge past us, while I was the slow caboose about 20 paces behind my husband and daughter.
My mind wanted to compare myself, to feel sub-par as everyone else seemed to be just fine with this hike. I enjoyed it, but my body was protesting. Again and again, I reminded myself to return to the present moment. I have what I need within me to make it to the meadow. Stay here and now, I’d tell myself. One step, then the next; one breath, and another.
At long last, we leveled off and began to descend slightly. Were my ears correct? The sound of running water, indeed, was up ahead. We stepped over a small stream cut into the earth around more pines and continued on the trail around the south side of a slope. The meadow stretched out ahead of us. No more incline – for now!
The Magic of South Gate Meadow
Ambling down into the base of South Gate Meadow, we were greeted by lush green grasses and leaves unfolding from yellow arnica flowers, delicate white blooms, and the last of pink heather. Fiery patches of Indian Paintbrush set the meadow ablaze here and there, and if you looked carefully, you’d also find tiny blue flowers as well.
Tiny waterfall after tiny waterfall emerged as we walked up the narrow trail, careful not to step on the precious meadow foliage. We knew that it took a long time for it to become this lush, and trampling by humans sets a meadow back years. Exhausted, I was relieved to sit down on some large rocks under the shade of a fir (?) tree, and release the pack from my back. We broke out the lunches and ate heartily by the sound of the trickling stream. We had earned it!
My daughter and I meandered around the meadow, marveling at the abundance of life growing on this harsh mountainside. Bright orange and brown Painted Lady butterflies and bumblebees occasionally visited us as we paused to listen to the sound of the stream or to touch our fingertips into the ice-cold water. My husband was happy to meditate back at the rock, while we ventured further up the slope.
The Cascade
The forest ranger told us that if we followed the stream on the right hand side up above the meadow, we’d discover the cascade out of which it was born. Should we go? I was already tired, and well aware that the majority of our return hike was uphill. Would I have enough energy? But here was an opportunity I didn’t know if we would have again for some time. I trusted that somehow, my body would carry me. I put aside my thoughts and focused on this presence; being here in this moment. The Divine would provide the energy, and my job was not to waste it in unnecessary thought.
Sure enough, climbing higher to the upper reaches of the greenery, a stunning array of tiny waterfalls spilled down the rocks. We hiked higher and higher, up through muddy terrain on a steep ascent, attempting to reach the source from which the water emerged from the mountain.
My energy was sapped. Although we had refueled and rested, and I had left my pack back with my husband on the rock, my heart raced and I struggled to breathe through my nose. Just when it seemed that we had finally reached the top, we looked ahead of the illusionary summit to see that the cascades continued indefinitely up the mountain in the distance. It was time to stop.
My daughter and I reveled in the beauty of this vista, looking down upon the meadow and off into the valleys below, a seemingly unending sea of forests. She sat on a large rock in the middle of the stream, radiant in the majesty of the scene.
I,however, found myself flipping back and forth between presence with the rushing sound of the waters and my monkey mind, worrying about getting down this muddy slope and the return trip. As I brought myself back again to this moment, I saw my husband lugging the backpack over his right shoulder to catch up with us. We all enjoyed some time in this magical place.
A Return in 1st Gear
Carefully making my way back down to the meadow (while almost sinking one foot completely into a mudhole!), we prepared for our return trip. My husband’s back already was bothering him from carrying the pack up the cascade. So I hefted the backpack again and we headed back up the trail.
It only took about 10 minutes and a few rest stops for me to acknowledge that I didn’t have the energy to carry our gear myself. But I worried about my 14 year old daughter. The pack was a bit too large for her – would it hurt her back? Would she find it too heavy? She had spent a week last summer backpacking, and she happily put it on her back and took off ahead. Relieved, I ambled along as we crossed the mountainside to the first part of the long ascent.
I dragged myself at times. Really, Connie? But it just was what it was. Again and again, I reminded myself to be present, rather than think of what was ahead, or feel despair at the slowness of my progress. I had to downshift into 1st gear and keep it there to get through this hike.
My family was quite patient with me as I would beg for rests. I gave thanks to my strong heart, as it beat resoundingly in my chest. We rested under shady limbs and on rocks along the way. I’d tell myself, just up to that next crest, or just up to that large red rock, and then I can stop for a bit.
The Final Ascent, and the Emergence of Resilience
One more short downhill, past the small group of trees, and into the land of the puff-balls. The big, long uphill trail lie ahead before we crested at the ridge and could glide downhill to the parking lot. By now, my legs felt like lead. It didn’t feel that they weren’t strong enough, but that my heart and lungs couldn’t seem to replenish them fast enough.
I fell further behind. We stopped talking, as it simply wasted my energy. My daughter seemed unaffected by the weight of the pack, but I was fighting a battle without any extra at all. Fear arose about my heart – could it really take this much? Why did I feel out of shape? Was I dehydrated? By this time, my husband had drank all of his water, my daughter was nearly out, and I was sharing my last bit with them.
I moved ahead, step by step. Resting often, but carrying on. My family encouraged me to go just a little further before a break. My heart, though it seemed to race, was steady; my mind needed to catch up. I had to realize that I was more resilient than my mind wanted me to believe. I just needed to turn away from thinking and keep going. My resilience emerged and strengthened with each step. It didn’t matter if families with toddlers were passing me. I am making it up the hill however I am able.
The Top of the Ridge
After 30 minutes of slowly trudging uphill, stopping to touch puff-balls, resting by the mini-meadow, and catching a butterfly on my finger (it wouldn’t be a trip to Mount Shasta if I didn’t!), the last few steps to the top arrived. We paused at the summit, looking over the Old Ski Bowl parking lot, down the mountain and far off across the valley to Lake Siskyou. I was grateful.
I didn’t skip down the mountain (although my husband joyfully ran). I plodded along slowly, but with more lightness in my step. Still catching my breath, I plopped down into the car seat and heaved a sigh.
The memory of the pristine meadow was deeply imprinted in us. And perhaps moreso, for me, was the memory of the hike itself. Not only the vistas, but the challenges with my body and mind. I was able to keep the mental drama at a minimum, and go past what I thought I could do. It didn’t matter how slowly I moved or how fast my heart raced. It didn’t matter why I seemed to struggle. I made it.
On some level, I not only needed that meadow, but I needed that challenge. By staying present, having faith, and persisting, I discovered my resilience.
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Sure enough, climbing higher to the upper reaches of the greenery, a stunning array of tiny waterfalls spilled down the rocks. We hiked higher and higher, up through muddy terrain on a steep ascent, attempting to reach the source from which the water emerged from the mountain.
