by Connie Habash | Jan 14, 2025 | Acceptance, Authenticity, Winter
A harsh task-master, winter forces us to accept what is and respond appropriately – and also brings refreshing honesty and authenticity.
Winter can’t be denied. Much as we’d like to pretend it’s a balmy spring day or a warm summer afternoon, the bitter wind stings the eyes and our hands feel like ice. If we live where there’s snow, we can try backing the car out the driveway, hoping it will plow the way through the white piles, or accept the reality that it’s better to just shovel the snow and clear the way, rather than getting stuck. Even here in sunny and mild California, we feel the change during winter and respond appropriately.
Facing Reality with Clarity
That’s what winter calls forth in us: the acceptance of reality and the appropriate response. Life is the way it is, in every given moment. It’s easy to accept this when things are good. But wintertime challenges us in many ways. The cold, stormy, unpredictable weather forces us to layer our clothes, protect our extremities, chop the wood, pay more for our heating bills, and stock up on necessities for those days we can’t leave the house. By necessity, we recognize what nature demands of us and then change our behavior accordingly.
The reality of winter is sometimes stark. Barren trees fill the orchard, their dark, pointed forms rising sharply from the snowy mantle covering the soil, harshly contrasted against the bright, clear winter sun.
This stark reality may be revealed in your life right now, too. As a blizzard may be raging outside your cabin in Lake Tahoe or your apartment in Manhattan, you may find a blizzard of bills arriving in the mailbox to bring attention to your spending habits. An injury, new or old, will not let you continue to ignore or abuse your body. Outbursts of rage make the underlying tension, fear, or sorrow undeniable and call for us to deal with these emotions directly and promptly. Winter doesn’t mince words and won’t wait for a more convenient time to make its voice known.
The Gift of Truthfulness
Yet this ruthless taskmaster offers us a great gift amidst its strict manner — clarity and truthfulness. We are no longer under our self-imposed delusions: we see things as they are. This is the practice of Satya, the recognition of Truth. The weight of our denial and avoidance, which becomes heavier the more we run from reality, is lifted. This brings lightness to our hearts, allowing ourselves to feel the grief we’ve long suppressed, and to accept, yes, it’s time to get my health in order. Now.
Allow this refreshing time of honesty and clarity to turn yourself inward, seeing yourself as you are. To accept the good and the bad, the pleasant and unpleasant, with frankness. It is when we see reality as it is that we can respond in a way that serves our highest good.
Embracing Authenticity and Renewal
Clarity allows us to take right action. When we know our health is suffering and really get it, down to our bones, we’ll get off our butt and exercise or change our diet. If winter brings to light that our emotions are running and ruining our lives, we’ll make the call and see a counselor or a friend for help. The cold season humbles us so that we recognize: yes, we, too, are imperfect human beings. Rather than avoiding our imperfections, we can embrace them with acceptance and give them the support they need.
Surprisingly, when we allow ourselves to humbly accept our own personal reality, the possibility for greater happiness arises. Because we can simply be who we are. No more pretense, trying to dress up our wintertime challenges as springtime daffodils. We can begin to see the beauty of our true self, rather than who we’ve been pretending or trying to be.
This new authenticity exposes aspects of yourself you may have overlooked. Think of the things you see in the winter that you didn’t notice before: the squirrel’s nest in the oak tree, hidden amongst the summer foliage; the shape of the trunk and its vast network of branches; the gnarled root system, with its bumps and turns, spread out through the lawn.
Nurturing Inner Strength for Spring
Our inner foundations are brought to the surface of our awareness for an overhaul in the cold season. Imagine what other qualities lie within you, waiting to be revealed when the snow melts and the possibilities of spring burst forth from the seemingly barren earth. When the first flowers emerge from their bulbs, you may then see the strength, joy, health, inspiration, and motivation that lay within the bare bones of yourself.
The same orchard scene can then be perceived anew. What were once harsh lines reveal themselves as clear contrasts. Dark, wrinkled bark next to brilliant blue sky. Pointed twigs, tiny buds emerging, hang over round, snow-glazed bushes. The hardness of the tree trunk brushes the soft, sparkling mantle of white. Winter exposes the line and form, the bare bones of nature and ourselves. A new beauty unfolds in seeing life with clarity and unabashed honesty. Accept this reality and open yourself to a clear vision not only of the present moment, but of the coming springtime in your life.
Ready to embrace more clarity and take action toward renewal? Dive deeper into your journey with Spiritual Mentoring.
by Connie Habash | Nov 4, 2021 | Aliveness, Authenticity, Boundaries, Challenges, Expression
Most everyone can agree that being authentic – at least in my world – is essential to living a happy and fulfilling life. But do we really know what authenticity means, and how it plays out in our lives? Here are my thoughts on true authenticity.
Let’s Get Real
It’s time to be very honest about authenticity (is that redundant?!). We all think of being authentic as being real – sharing what we truly think and feel. It’s about showing our vulnerable, true selves to others, rather than hiding behind a facade.
Amy Morin, in a Forbes article, defines authenticity as “being brave enough to be yourself and genuine enough to live according to your values. To be an authentic person, what you say and what you do must line up with what you believe.”
But being genuine and real can be too simplistic of an explanation. We need to look deeper at what authentic expression is and what it isn’t. It’s not so easy to just “let it all hang out”, as the hippies used to say. Authenticity takes courage but it also requires discernment.
The Courageous Side of Authenticity
It takes guts to be vulnerable, raw, and open. We risk being disliked or judged when we share our honest perspective. People may misunderstand. We take the risk of being authentic so that we can be honored and appreciated for exactly who we are, even though they may not get it.
Even though we have hopes for a warm and welcoming reception, we’re not really practicing authenticity for the sake of others’ reactions, although we really do want to be loved for who we are. We take the risk not for them but for ourselves – that it feels better to be who we are. It takes less psychic energy to share in an authentic flow than to censor and shut down our emotions. We feel more whole, alive, and empowered when we have the strength and courage to simply be who we are.
If you’re the kind of person that tends to hold things in, or if you have a hard time figuring out how you really feel, you may want to err on the side of courage. Allow yourself to speak up. Practice saying it out loud in the mirror, until you have the gumption to verbalize your most intimate feelings and thoughts with someone that you value.
Misunderstanding Authentic Expression
The problem is that when we learn of the power of being authentic, we may overcorrect. It’s easy to think that we need to share what we’re thinking because it’s authentically what we experience. Sometimes this can lead to problems: reacting, oversharing, and inappropriately sharing.
Reactivity can be misconstrued as authenticity. We believe that, in order to be authentic, we should just share whatever we think and feel whenever we think and feel it. But we all know that situations and interactions with others can trigger reactive emotions. It could be an old issue that has surfaced or a sensitive subject that has been touched on. Our first emotions, although they are truly being felt, may be more of an unconscious and probably unhelpful reaction rather than true authenticity.
Oversharing is when someone dumps all their thoughts and feelings on you. Sure, it may be true and authentic for them. But it’s too much. We actually don’t need to know everything that someone thinks or feels. It isn’t always more authentic to blurt everything out, and it can sometimes be manipulative of other’s time and energy, overwhelming, and too much to take in at once.
Too much “authentic” sharing can be a codependent trait that indicates a desperate need for attention and approval rather than a courageous opening of vulnerability. This is especially true if, when meeting someone for the first time, they divulge a whole history of issues and needs to you. At first, it may feel like a real intimate conversation, until the energy starts to take on the flavor of overwhelm or a feeling of needing to help and take on their problems.
However, authenticity isn’t just about sharing your thoughts and feelings. It’s also about standing up for yourself, what you value, and what you need. Setting boundaries are included in this. This is another way we share vulnerability: by drawing the line of what is ok and not ok with us, regardless of what other people may think of us. It may be most authentic for you to set a boundary around your time, energy, and how much others are sharing with you. Authenticity isn’t just about expressing, but also about conscious receiving. You don’t need to be the dumping ground for everyone else’s emotions and opinions if it isn’t feeling authentic for you to receive them.
The Discernment Required
The other side of authenticity besides courage is discernment. This is mindful authentic expression. It’s not just about sharing whatever we think, feel, or need, but about sitting with our inner truth before we act on it.
Mindful authenticity includes discernment of these questions:
- What wants to be expressed? How much of this is most appropriate to share?
- Are these the appropriate people (Who) and is this the appropriate situation (When and Where) in which to express it?
- What do I want as a result of sharing this?
The What and How Much
Before we share authentically, we need to be clear on what we’re sharing. Talking off the top of our head may not be very clear, effective, or convey our deepest desires and truth. Especially if it is a very vulnerable topic, we are wise to sit with the emotions and thoughts for a bit, allowing them to distill into the nuggets of truth. You’re not looking for a “perfect” output, but rather the essence that feels most real, clear, and empowering. Consider how much of your truth is authentic to the moment and is enough, but not too much, to carry your message and true self across.
So ask yourself: what do I feel? What do I think? What do I need or desire? What is the most important, distilled truth of all of this that I want to express? You can journal if you have time, or you can simply reflect on these questions in the moment before you choose to share.
Appropriateness – the Who, Where, and When
Not every person, circumstance, or time is appropriate to share your most vulnerable, authentic self. This is the second aspect of discernment. Being authentic is about recognizing when something is truly needed or if its unnecessary. It is considering whether our authentic sharing will add something meaningful and helpful to the conversation or if it may be a distraction in the moment. Is someone else needing the floor right now, and your expression can wait? Is now the most powerful time, or when might it be better shared? Do you truly feel safe enough with where you are and who is present to unearth your most treasured viewpoints or raw feelings? Will this person really be able to receive what you have to say and honor it?
Sometimes it’s appropriate to share, even if the situation isn’t best. It’s a matter of discerning if you are able to hold your truth, essence, and self-love, even if it isn’t received as you had hoped for. If it would feel better to share your thoughts now as a doorway to open a deeper, more authentic conversation, expressing yourself may be appropriate, even if the risk is high. Discern within yourself what is most aligned with your inner truth.
The Desired Result
Pause before you express yourself and consider what expectations you have of this. What is your desired result? This is the third aspect of true authenticity.
If you’re a very evolved spiritual person, maybe you can let go of your expectations and desires, and express yourself freely. But most of us aren’t there yet. We have hopes for what we share – maybe even unsaid demands – and if we aren’t honest with ourselves about that before we open up, we may feel disappointed.
What is your ideal outcome of what you’re about to share? And if it doesn’t turn out like that, what can you live with? If you’re looking for support and encouragement, a very authentic way to express that is to ask for what you want before you share the vulnerable, ground-breaking feelings and thoughts. You’re more likely to receive what you need.
If you really want or need a certain response, consider if this is the best time, circumstance, and person to be making that request of. Authentic expression is being real with yourself about whether you’re expecting too much from a person or situation.
Your desired result might simply be to be able to speak openly and honestly, just for you, no matter what results. The important thing is to be clear with yourself about what you want from your authentic expression – or, see if you can cultivate a frame of mind that is OK, no matter what results.
Authenticity Includes Joy
Maybe your authenticity isn’t about saying a truth that has been held back or talking about something painful. It might be about expressing your joy. You may have good news to share and a heart that is full to overflowing.
Give yourself permission to share that unabashedly! Your joy can light up others. At the same time, use your discernment. Many of us have experienced others “raining on our parade” who weren’t ready to share in your jubilance. Again, ask yourself if this is an appropriate place, time, and audience to share with. If it isn’t, don’t squash your happiness; let it simmer within you and bubble up through your body and heart until you’re in a circumstance where it can blossom fully.
Silence is Also An Option
When you’re pondering whether it’s authentic to share something or not, consider that silence could also be in alignment with your authenticity. Silence can convey more than words. You don’t have to speak up in order to be authentic.
We all need silence, especially when we’re trying to sort out who we truly are. So in your quest for true authenticity, it’s OK to be quiet sometimes. Give yourself time to distill your truth; this offers others space to discern theirs as well. There’s no rush to true authenticity. Then, when you express yourself, you’ll feel more grounded and prepared to share whatever wants to be revealed.
The Bottom Line to True Authenticity
Remember that the most important thing about being truly authentic is about being fully yourself just for you – no matter the outcome. You know who you are, what you think, what you feel, and what you stand for. That’s more important than whether you choose to share it with others. But when you do express it outwardly, celebrate and appreciate yourself for your efforts at being authentic. In the words of my friend Syl Sabastian, “when Authentic, we are Real, and nothing can be more Appropriate than Being Real.” That’s the bottom line.
When embarking upon the journey to true authenticity, remember to bring along both your courage and discernment. Be mindful, watch for possible reactivity, and know that authenticity can include setting boundaries. When expressing yourself, ask yourself the questions of what and how much, when and who with, and what your desired result is. It’s OK to share unabashedly, and it’s also OK to allow silence as an option. With these tools, you’ll discover your true authenticity within, no matter the circumstance.
What do you think or feel about authenticity? Share below!
Do you long to become more of your Authentic, Divine Self? Counseling or Spiritual Mentoring can support you on that journey! Contact me for a free 20 minute consultation.
by Connie Habash | Nov 6, 2019 | Authenticity, Connection, Freedom, Growth, Projection
Life certainly has its ups and downs, as we all know. But those ups and downs are often not perceived accurately by us. We are like movie projectors, carrying around a screen that we place between us and our lives. If we can catch ourselves projecting and take the screen down, true intimacy, connection, and healing can occur. It is the key to our personal and spiritual awakening.
We Create Simulators with Projections
Have you ever been on a simulated ride, like the Star Tours ride at Disneyland? Do they actually fly through space as hundreds of miles an hour? No, they don’t. They are on hydraulics, lifted up and down and shifted side to side to simulate motion.
If you didn’t have a screen, you’d feel yourself jerked around and moved back and forth, which might be kind of fun and maybe jarring. But the projected screen in front of you gives you the impression that you’re dropping thousands of feet, accelerating rapidly, or narrowly missing a crash. The movie you are shown as you travel through it makes it feel incredibly real and much more intense.
We’re setting up our projection screens around us all the time, much like that ride. We may experience a difference of opinion with someone else, or a sharp retort by our partner – something that makes us feel uncomfortable or upset. But when we turn on our projector and set up the screen – unconscious and almost immediate, if old issues are triggered – the situation takes on a completely different feel. Suddenly, it’s life or death, or appears far more significant or upsetting than it would to someone else who isn’t watching our movie.
Projections Make Things Bigger
A small event – like forgetting to take the trash out – can take on big proportions when we project on it. If we were told as a child that we’re lazy and no good (especially when we forgot to take out the trash!), all those old feelings can flood back in. Shame arises. We may want to curl up in a ball or hide in our room, avoiding the situation. We may even feel angry and defensive, worrying that someone may judge us for forgetting. And if someone, heaven forbid, does mention it, we can lash out angrily in that defensiveness. We could accuse them of being mean, or we might burst into tears and fall apart.
All that happened was that we forgot to take out the trash. It’s an easy thing to forget, and an easy thing to change, if we are seeing it clearly without our old story projected on it.
If you happened to be triggered by a relatively minor thing (or even if it’s a major one), it’s worth it to consider projections. What might my old story be that I’m overlaying on this situation? What is the source of where this unnecessarily strong emotion is coming from? What is being projected on these people and circumstances?
Casting Our Movies
It is very easy to cast ourselves, and others in our lives, in our old movie. We replay our part, again and again, when we let the projector continue to run. And we find people that are similar enough to cast in the story’s roles, much to the detriment of those relationships. We can’t have authentic connection and communication when we’ve already written the script.
Recognize when you are using a projector, and take down the screen. That means seeing the story that it originated from as it is, separate from present time. You may still feel the attraction to want to tell the story again, but don’t project it on the current situation. Get to know the story. Feel it in your body, recognize the emotions and the old thought patterns. See it for what it is, and acknowledge that it isn’t happening right now, no matter how similar the current situation may be.
True Freedom
Personal growth and spiritual awakening happen when we take down the screen and turn off the projector. We can be present with whatever is, knowing we are capable of responding to it. We can see the essence of others and find common ground, rather than make assumptions. Our true essence, which is beyond thoughts or projections, can shine forth. Possibilities for healing, renewed relationships, and empowerment arise when we turn off the old movies and relate in the present moment.
Recognize and honor the story. Then release it. Beyond our projections, true freedom is at hand.
by Connie Habash | Sep 14, 2017 | Acceptance, Authenticity, Awareness, Consciousness, Darkness, Healing, Light, Shadow, Transformation
Have you felt stirred up in yourself and in your life lately, as if all your issues have come to the surface? You’re not alone. The powerful archetype of the recent eclipse has brought what is ready to heal and transform out of hiding and into the light for all of us.
Last month was the first time I had ever seen even a partial eclipse here in California. This juxtaposition of the moon in front of the sun shows us how our unresolved issues and blocks to our growth – represented by the moon – can conceal the light of our True Self.
The Shadow
An eclipse casts a shadow, and our own personal shadow is a collection of the parts of ourselves that we don’t like to acknowledge or to be seen. When we are met by this great archetype, or powerful symbol, of the inner shadow through such a potent example as an eclipse, it’s common for our own shadow material to rise out of the darkness for us to recognize, embrace, and heal.
What lies in the shadow? Images, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions about who we fear we might be and what we don’t want to look at. All of the self-critical thoughts emerge from the shadow. The fears about what others might think? The shame from mistakes we’ve made? The part of ourselves that we think is ugly, mean, or unlovable? Yep, they’re all in there. We prefer to just keep the closet shut and locked, and not let the boogie man out. Pretend that everything is just fine. Or at least keep up a good image, so no one can see what we secretly feel are fatal flaws.
Identifying with Thoughts and Emotions
However, everything in the Shadow is a thought. Thoughts are forms of energy. When we think of a particular thought, we take our mental energy and mold it into a form. The Shadow contains the forms of negative energy that we’ve created from our thoughts about ourselves.
We may have fear or anger that arises in us. Perhaps an event at work or in your family has triggered old pain from your past. Or an off the cuff remark sparked anxious, self-critical thoughts. The problem isn’t the thoughts or emotions – the problem is identifying ourselves with them.
The True Self
The Sun, however, is a symbol of our True Self, ever shining. When night comes, the sun doesn’t stop shining – it’s simply not seen because the Earth has rotated. This is like sleep – our True Self doesn’t cease to exist; we just don’t perceive it when we’re deep in slumber.
An eclipse reveals a different hindrance to the shining of the True Self than sleep does. The moon’s blockage of the Sun’s light represents the identification with our thoughts and emotions that lie in the Shadow Self.
For example, when we say, “I’m angry” or “I am hurt”, we’re implying that we identify ourselves with the anger or hurt by saying “I am”. We believe, on a subconscious level, that we are insecure about money or we identify ourselves with the belief that things will never change, rather than recognize these are thoughts and emotions.
The Light of Awareness
Thoughts and emotions change all the time, and can be consciously changed. The True Self, like the metaphor of the sun, remains the same, always shining.
The eclipse brings to our awareness that we have all this stuff in our Shadow Self, and it’s time to take it out of hiding. It’s time to recognize that those places in us can heal. We don’t need to continue to identify ourselves with what we fear. Many of the perceptions of ourselves aren’t accurate and need to be aired out, cleaned up, and let go of.
The work after the eclipse is to shine our light of awareness on the Shadow material. To be willing to dig in and say, hey, I don’t need to live like this anymore. I don’t need to continue to beat myself, or let this fear get the best of me. There is something precious deeper within me that is ready to shine, and it’s time I give it a chance.
You can do this “shadow work”. The moon has moved aside, and your light is ready to glow. I’m happy to assist you in becoming more of your True Self – feel free to contact me for a conversation about what’s possible. And in the meantime, here are some great resources to get you started that have helped me over the years:
- a classic! lots of great exercises, and a great resource for physical ailments and possible corresponding shadow issues)
- a lighthearted, easy read. Refreshing!
- another easy read by Huber, and an awesome 30 day practice to explore
- the most powerful, in-depth synthesis of psychology and spirituality I have found, with potent practices for healing and releasing shadow stuff. This is a serious read.
by Connie Habash | May 3, 2013 | Action, anger, Authenticity, Choices, Empowerment, Energy, Fear, Judgment, Right Action
It’s quite common in spiritual circles to put down anger. Anger is bad, they say. Or anger is unenlightened. We must transcend our anger. We must think loving, good thoughts, and put all that anger out of our mind.
Hogwash.
Saying that anger is bad, whether it’s tacitly implied or directly stated, is just another way that we beat ourselves up and deny our truth and empowerment. It’s an easy way to judge and criticize ourselves or others for anything less than perfect behavior.
Anger is just as human as any other emotion. If we deny any of our human emotions, we become sanitized, without life, without authenticity. And we feel we don’t have a voice, can’t speak out when something happens that disturbs us. [For more about this, read my article “Authentic and Heartfelt NO!”]
There is a difference, however, between healthy and unhealthy anger. There is good reason why many spiritual traditions have attempted to banish it, because unhealthy anger expressed outward can be violent and hurtful, and repressed inward can result in resentment, disempowerment, and illness.
A healthy approach to anger is to understand it as an energy, like electricity. It is neither good nor bad, but it has an important function: to get us to pay attention and to take action. It lets us know something isn’t OK with us. It tells us when a boundary needs to be set – “no, I will not tolerate that!” It is often a cover for a deeper emotion, usually fear. Anger tries to keep us safe by holding up a caution sign. It also gives us the energy to be able to take appropriate action.
Anger can be positive when understood for the warning signal that it is and utilized to prevent harm to ourselves or another. It is a powerful energy that, when used with mindfulness by expressing our feelings or taking care of ourselves, can create a greater sense of safety, authenticity, and security in our relationships and lives.
As evolving human beings, we can learn to listen to the messages in our emotions – including anger – and consciously respond to them, rather than react. Then, anger can become healing and transformative, rather than an unwanted, “negative” emotion.
For more on healthy expression of anger and its spiritual implications, listen to my radio show “Spiritual Anger!”
Most everyone can agree that being authentic – at least in my world – is essential to living a happy and fulfilling life. But do we really know what authenticity means, and how it plays out in our lives? Here are my thoughts on true authenticity.
Life certainly has its ups and downs, as we all know. But those ups and downs are often not perceived accurately by us. We are like movie projectors, carrying around a screen that we place between us and our lives. If we can catch ourselves projecting and take the screen down, true intimacy, connection, and healing can occur. It is the key to our personal and spiritual awakening.
Have you felt stirred up in yourself and in your life lately, as if all your issues have come to the surface? You’re not alone. The powerful archetype of the recent eclipse has brought what is ready to heal and transform out of hiding and into the light for all of us.
It’s quite common in spiritual circles to put down anger. Anger is bad, they say. Or anger is unenlightened. We must transcend our anger. We must think loving, good thoughts, and put all that anger out of our mind.
