by Connie Habash | Nov 15, 2022 | Anxiety, Articles, Being, Capability, Confidence, Fear, Presence, Transformation
At a point of internal crisis in myself with my fears and worries, two friends from nature – an oak tree and a boulder – grounded me and brought me back to my Divine Self.
It was a particularly intense day at the 5-day silent retreat. A lot of fear arose within me from situations that were beyond my control. I had spiraled down into feeling guilt, shame, powerlessness, and a myriad of other painful emotions. It seemed they had all come up to be seen, felt, and released – except the release hadn’t come yet.
On our break, I took a walk down the suburban street, tears streaming down my face. I didn’t care who saw me in this state. I let them roll. This process was leading me somewhere, as were my feet, taking me to the place I found refuge in: the oaks and boulders at the nearby park.
My heart wanted to be in the limbs of one of the large live oaks that sprawled on the grounds, so I headed to the closest, most accessible one, and climbed aboard. It wasn’t very high, and I could lean back into her strength and sob. I heaved heavy sighs, trying to soften into her thick trunk.
My inner ear opened to listen to my wise old friend. I waited. Two words came to me – “I can”.
What is “I can”? Can what? What can a tree do? Well, it became clear – a tree can grow. That is what its main objective is, to continue to grow and expand. It knew how to do this from its very inception as an acorn, and that is the essential life goal for a grand oak; to continue to grow.
“I can – I can grow” I said to myself. It was an invitation to expand beyond these emotions, to grow and unfold into my Larger, Divine Self. I knew this was possible – I can grow.
Carefully, I made my way down the tree, leaping off the last couple of feet with a crunch into the compost; layers of the small, prickly, coast live oak leaves, almost a foot deep in places around the park. Months and years of growth lay there. The leaves had fallen off the branches and were decomposing slowly into the ground, while the grand old oak continued to stretch, unfold, and expand above.
Next, I turned toward the middle of the park, past the small playground with a swing and slide, to the large boulders. I wondered at how they were formed there. Was it a volcanic eruption? Or more likely pushed across the continent by vast glaciers. Who knows. Here they were, a mystery, but sitting submerged into the landscape, some as long as a bus and the tallest about 12-15 feet high or so.
That’s the boulder I headed for – the tallest one. I had figured out a pretty easy access up to its summit from around the back, scrambling over some smaller boulders and pulling myself up by hand holds and outcroppings. I felt great confidence in ascending to the top; it was joyful and empowering to overcome my doubt of my climbing abilities and fear of heights. Yes, I can, as the oak tree taught me.
Happily triumphant, I settled in on a slight dip in the granite surface, just right for my seated perch. Here, at this height, I could look across the expanse of the park, at the level of the high branches in the many other oaks, as if I were a bird meandering among the leaves and acorns.
Off to my right was one of the largest oaks, and beyond that, the lake. The lake that taught all of us in the retreat that miracles are possible. When we arrived, it was nearly dried up – just a small wet area on the far end where a lone white crane searched for a meal. The next day, a torrent of rain arrived, rarely seen in this arid part of southern California.
Sitting on the boulder, a view of the tree and lake
For an entire day and night, the rain drove through the small valley, blowing in waves it seemed, gently nourishing the parched, sandy red soil. The oaks and boulders happily received it. And so did this lake – in just 24 hrs, the entire thing filled up, and a goose as well as about a dozen ducks arrived, happily swimming about the waters and foraging. Yes, miracles can happen in a day.
So I knew that a grand transformation was possible – in the land, and in me. I sat on the boulder, heart and palms open, receptive to its message. And I heard: “I Am.”
The boulder’s gift was stillness, silence, Presence. As it sits, forever planted in this landscape, it simply is, and it knows that it is. It knows the power of Being. “I Am”, said the boulder. That was my message.
The messages of the oak and the boulder came together for me, in a sweet and simple way:
“I Can”, said the oak tree
“I Can Grow”.
“I AM” said the boulder.
And that’s all I need to know.
My body softened, and my energy settled down into the firm support of this enormous rock that I sat atop. I felt the boulder’s groundedness and stillness. My mind became silent, and I reveled in the peace and ease of simply Being.
I felt capable, strong, and expansive like the oak, while my Being was still, grounded, and steady, knowing that I already AM. There is nothing I need to do; but I can allow myself to expand and grow.
After several minutes of peace atop the boulder, I stood up, touching the high branch that reached across my perch. I thanked the tree, all the trees, and thanked the boulder. With confidence that I can, I ambled down the backside of the rock, over the smaller stones and into the crisp but giving groundcover of oak leaves.
As I walked back to the house where the retreat was held, I knew nothing had changed in the outer circumstances. But within me, I experienced a shift. I had returned to my Be-ing, my Divine Self within. The gifts from the oak tree and the boulder continued to reverberate through my mind and expand in a sense of solidness and strength through my body: I Can, and I Am.
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by Connie Habash | Feb 7, 2022 | Growth, Healing, Transformation
In this era of blatant narcissism, it may be a very outrageous thing to say. But when we recognize that growth, healing, love, and change start with us, we need to be “me-first”.
I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and she shared with me something that her healer and teacher said to her. She told her that your healing has to be “me-first.” It shocked me, but then made so much sense, on many levels.
What Does “Me-First” Mean?
But what do I mean by me-first? We’re used to hearing this term in relation to self-centered people, who only care about getting what they want without regard to others. I couldn’t possibly consider such a selfish perspective.
On deeper reflection, there’s another way to understand the idea of me-first.
When it comes to well-being and self-healing, me-first is necessary. Not in the way of putting your needs ahead of everyone. But rather from the perspective that if I’m unwell, I’ll need to take care of myself first before I’ll be helpful to anyone else. After all, if you’re ill, you stay home from work whenever possible (now required in the pandemic!). You don’t want to spread the sickness to anyone else, and you can’t be of much help in the office or with a client if you’re coughing up a storm.
Me-First is Being the Example
From an even deeper level, we need to exemplify what we’re teaching and sharing with others. If we are assisting people in losing weight or eating healthier, we’d better be taking care of ourselves first. We need to live our principles in how we eat and care for our bodies. Not perfectly, but with integrity.
That includes times when we blow it and overindulge; with me-first, we own up to when we’ve missed the mark and model how to get ourselves back on track without beating ourselves up about it. If we’re sharing how to recover from a breakup or make it through the grieving process, we should have walked in those shoes, at least to some degree, and know how to make it through to the other side. With me-first, we embody what we share with the world.
A Guide Through the Territory
I think of the role of a psychotherapist as akin to a nature guide. If we want someone to guide us through the wilderness, we’d better find someone who knows the territory, has dealt with the challenges that arise there, and has the skill to respond to almost any situation, even if they haven’t encountered that exact situation before. An adept trail guide knows how to manage a wide range of contingencies from their own training, skills, and experience.
Likewise, we as therapists, healers, and teachers don’t need to have journeyed through every single possible human situation, but to have dealt with enough of the complexities and difficulties that people go through, such as relationships, loss, sadness, stress, anger, worry, etc., and have learned how to respond in more healthy and healing ways.
For any kind of healer, it needs to be me-first; we must mindfully attend to our own internal experiences and life challenges in order to be able to assist others. It doesn’t mean that we never mess up: but that we are committed to our own mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual well-being as part of our own life, and know the territory.
Me-First Beyond Our Personal Self
Then, the broadest understanding of this me-first philosophy comes with creating change beyond our personal self. If we want to heal a relationship on the rocks, it starts inside of us. Most of us have learned that we can’t change someone else (ask anyone actively in Al-Anon); we can only change who we are in response to others. That means we look at our reactions, our thought processes, and behaviors to see how they contribute to the problem, and address our side of the street first.
If, after looking at ourselves and making appropriate changes still doesn’t shift unhealthy dynamics, then we ask for our partner or family members to participate in creating a healthier connection in some way. If they don’t, we know the way to the door.
On a societal scale, if we want to see change in the world – whether in creating more community and connection, reducing plastic waste, healing racial divides, or cultivating more peace between political parties or nations – it starts right here, where we are. There’s no possibility of making great changes happen “out there” if we aren’t willing to be me-first and change them right in our home, neighborhood, and self.
Desire more connection in the community? Be willing to talk with strangers or help out a neighbor. If I want less plastic in the oceans, then I’ve got to look at what I buy, use, and throw away and cut down on single-use plastics for starters. If I’d like to see more racial equity, then it’s time I look in the mirror and consider my prejudices, and be willing to get to know people outside of my own race, religion, socio-economic status, and cultural background.
And my deepest longing – peace in the world. I know that I’m just one person, but so are you and everyone else. Where are the blocks to peace within me? What causes anger and judgment to arise within? How can I understand others that differ from me so that I can find common ground?
We need to be me-first – to address what needs to heal within us – before we can heal a nation and a planet. Me-first means it starts right here, where we are, within us. Then, we’ll really have something to share with others. They will be able to feel and see that we walk our talk, and that we emanate the love, kindness, wisdom, authenticity, and peace that we all long for.
Its a Journey, Not a Destination
I’m not saying it’s easy. In this age of fast, easy hacks, there’s not a shortcut for this. It’s a journey. We don’t reach a perfect destination. We walk, with caring, mindfulness, and love, endeavoring to “be the change we’re waiting for.” It’s a me-first commitment to the journey of healing and transformation. Each imperfect step along the way.
It starts with us. It’s not a new idea, but we need this reminder, all the time. What’s amazing is that if more of us were me-first in our commitment to heal, grow, and transform ourselves and our little part of the world, we’d see more happier, healthier, kind people and communities. We’d treat each other and our planet with the love and respect we’d like to see around us and in our leaders.
That’s “me-first” that I can stand behind. I’m doing my best, everyday, even though some days I fall far short of who I endeavor to be. But it’s a beautiful path to walk. Won’t you join me on the journey?
Want to be part of a community of spiritual women who love nature and are committed to their own transformation in order to help heal the planet, too? Check out Awakening Women of the Earth.
by Connie Habash | Aug 7, 2021 | Challenges, Change, Transformation
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. You’ve probably heard that saying. The first time I did was in graduate school back in the 90’s. It has held true. I haven’t been exempt from that tendency to want something different, but not being willing to do anything about it. Yet, if we want something to change in our lives, we need to make a change in ourselves.
You may wish to attract a new job, transform a relationship, eat healthier, or live more in harmony with the Earth. Those can feel like pretty daunting changes!
Before you get overwhelmed with that, I have some ideas for you that are gentle ways to change. Because one of the reasons why we don’t make changes is that we believe they have to be BIG and take a lot of WORK.
That is the falsehood under our desire to transform. So here are my kind suggestions if you want to make a change in your life:
- Be Open and Receptive – One of the changes is simply your perspective. Open to possibilities, envision a new response to your life, visualize the change that you want to happen, and be willing to receive that! Willingness to receive change is half of the battle.
- Ask for Help – You can ask a friend to help with cleaning out the closet or a neighbor for suggestions of where there’s a farmer’s market for organic produce. Post a question online for how to reduce plastic use or for suggestions of a good book on personal growth or healthy relationships (here is one of my favorite books on making a change). Help is all around if you ask for it.
- Practice Gratitude – Gratitude shifts our perspective and opens us to abundance. Focus on the blessings and what you’re thankful for. The more good we see in our lives, the more we continue to notice and open ourselves to. This changes our energy, attitude, and response to others. A wonderful little gratitude prayer someone taught me: “Thank you, Spirit! More, Please!”
- One Little Thing – When we think of ALL the things that we “NEED” to change, we get overwhelmed and don’t do any of them. I am not the first person to remind you to do just one little change. Let that settle in for a bit and notice its affect until you consider your next one.
- Do Unto Yourself – We know the spiritual teaching, “Treat Others As You Would Like to be Treated.” Well, a lot of us are much better at being kind and caring towards others than to our very own self. If you’re just going to make one change, I’d start with more kindness and love in the way you talk to and treat yourself. That can have a large impact across the board of your life.
- Learn to be Present – Presence is being right in this moment with an open heart and quiet mind. Change comes a lot easier when we’re not ruminating over the past or projecting into the future. Right here, right now, you do something different in this moment.
Yes, in order to see transformation in our world and our lives, we need to do the work of change. Go easy and steady with it. Trust in yourself. And allow the Divine to bring you what you need for that transformation to unfold.
If you want my support in making those changes, join my email list and feel free to contact me!
by Connie Habash | Jan 7, 2021 | awakening, Challenges, Change, Clarity, Darkness, Energy, Fear, Inspiration, Light, Motivation, Transformation, Truth
[based on my talk from New Year’s Eve 2021: A New Beginning]
No one needs to be told that 2020 was a difficult year. We all know the reasons why. But we may not realize that there is a gift in all that challenge: fire by friction.
Have you ever started a fire? Probably. Certainly you’ve lit a candle, with either a match or a lighter. Some of you may have even worked with flint and metal, creating that initial spark to ignite tinder. And a rare handful of you reading this may have actually made fire (or attempted to, in my case!) with a bow drill or hand drill: the ancient method of true fire by friction.
This primitive way of igniting fire with a drill is very difficult. It takes strength, determination, and lots and lots of friction between one piece of wood and another. That abrasion builds heat enough to finally create a spark. Whether you use that method, the flint, or a match or lighter, the spark that lights the flame requires some sort of friction to initiate it. You strike the match against a rough surface, and viola’, a flame appears. With that, you can light your candle or fire.
A Year of Friction
The challenges that we endured from the pandemic, systemic racism, isolation, financial stress, fires, and floods – to name a few – may have served us in a strange way. They have revealed fears, beliefs, and perceptions that cause us pain. It’s not the events themselves that are so problematic as it is the way we think about and respond to them.
Those painful and stressful thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, and emotional reactions create an internal friction. We are rubbed up against what is most uncomfortable within us. We can’t deny it anymore, as it is too painful and too apparent.
What’s good about this is what is revealed can be healed. If we don’t recognize what limits us and keeps us small, unhappy, or suffering, then we can’t do anything about it. These problematic thoughts, emotions, and perceptions triggered in 2020 (and beyond!) create the spark of internal and external friction, and provide the fuel for the fire of transformation to burn.
The Awakening
That spark initiated by the friction of our inner and outer challenges is a new awakening. It’s a shift in consciousness. We gain new insight about ourselves and our world, if nothing other than the declaration, NO MORE!
We need that initiatory spark to wake us up and spur us on. No fire will begin without a spark. In order to create positive change in our world and ourselves, we need this awakening.
Heat
After friction creates the spark, the flame is lit from our kindling of outdated mental and emotional blockages, and fire brings heat. We know that heat warms us, cooks our food, and creates transformation.
That warmth or heat from the fire gives us the energy, passion, and determination to create change. We know that our world needs a lot of change right now. We have been separated, lonely, and suffering, living in fear and under oppression. We must create solutions to our problems with unprecedented understanding, from dealing with the pandemic to solving systemic racism, from healing the planet to bridging the divide between differing perspectives.
We need that spark to initiate the changes, give us energy, and light the flame of inspiration and determination as we step forward together to heal our world.
Fire Transforms
In the health science of Ayurveda, the fire element in our bodies governs all forms of transformation, from digesting our food to deeper metabolic processes in our cells. Fire transforms.
2020 and today’s current events reveal many things that are ready to be burned away in our consciousness as well as our society. Illusions and obstacles are kindling and wood that are ready to be put on the fire and allow to be transformed within us.
When the wood burns, it leaves us with ash. In a fire ceremony in the Hindu tradition, many things are offered to the fire, which represent both our devotion as well as these rough places within us that no longer serve us. The transformed ash that remains is considered sacred – a blessing. Notice what ash may be left behind in new perceptions and inner peace, as you allow these unnecessary places within you to transform in the sacred fire.
And remember always that the Phoenix rises from the ashes – in fact, it can’t be reborn without that transformative fire.
The Divine Light
That friction within us created the spark of awakening, built the heat of necessary energy to create change, transformed us, and ignites our Divine Light within. When we strike a match – the friction – and light a candle, we can see in a dark room.
Light brings clarity. What was previously obscured is revealed clearly in the light of a fire or lantern. The more light, the more we can see, recognize, and know.
This light within us is actually lit by the very dark places within us that created enough friction to spark it. And in fact, this Divine Light shows us the way in the darkness. Many feel that we are living through a dark time. Allow that inner Light to show you the path to healing and empowerment through these challenges.
The clarity and vision that this spark of Light brings will reveal to us our inner Truth. This is the spiritual Truth that is beyond the appearances in the world, or even what we believe about ourselves. Allow it to be illumined within you. Listen to your intuition and see beyond fear and projections. There is a higher truth at hand when we tap into that inner Light.
As we allow the friction of this last year to continue to light a fire within us, recognize that you can be that beacon for others. Let this “fire by friction” give you energy and cleanse the perceived darkness. Although the legacy of 2020 has been difficult, it’s not been in vain. It has initiated a powerful process. Through this burning away of our limitations and fears, our inner Light will shine forth, illuminate the way for others, and spark inspiration and a higher vision for our world. 🙏
by Connie Habash | Oct 12, 2020 | Consciousness, Let Go, Presence, Receiving, Release, Seasons, Thoughts, Transformation
It’s autumn: the season to reflect. What better time to recognize the thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions that hold us back, and use the energies of autumn to transform them through the 5 R’s: reminisce, reflect, review, release, and receive.
Science has discovered that we have tens of thousands of thoughts every day. Everything from the mundane, “oh, the light is turning red” to more profound, unique, abstract ideas.
But the majority of our thoughts, if we’re being honest with ourselves, are not novel or unique. They re-hash, over and over, old perceptions, attitudes, and belief systems that accompanied us from childhood.
Because they aren’t unusual or insightful, we don’t even notice these old, repetitive thoughts. Unfortunately, that means they carry a lot of influence on our mood, behavior, and reactions to life. They fly under the radar in our subconscious or even unconscious mind.
If we want to create change in our lives (let alone in our world), it’s essential that we bring to conscious awareness what thoughts are happening within us. We need to unearth what affects us under the surface.
Our Inner Sewage System
It’s like the sewage system: in our city, most of the time, we aren’t aware of all that poopy yuck flowing under us. But someone is – the people in charge of keeping the sewers clean, those who run the sewage treatment plants, and of course the departments that administrate all of that, all the way up to the city mayor or the county Department of Health.
I’m not going to spend my time or yours going into the details of all that, but the point is that there is a lot going on beyond our awareness that affects our well-being in the world, and that goes for inside our mind, too. Thoughts, like the sewer systems, need to be brought to awareness and either utilized or cleaned out. We need to have our inner head of the Department of Mental Health on the job to keep our system clean, spacious, and flowing with fresh, healthy waters of consciousness.
Since it’s autumn, the season of letting go – and allowing what no longer has life to decompose – it’s a good time to release, compost, and renew our thoughts and mind.
Autumn’s inward time supports work with the “re-” words: reminisce, reflect, review, release, and receive. These 5 “R’s” will help you become aware of what thoughts you’re having, where they have come from, and how to change and release them, leaving you with a renewed perspective. Take a little time to look inside yourself – and break out a journal if you can – to experience some transformation in your mind.
Reminisce
Autumn is a great time to look back on life. There’s something about the falling leaves that always has me think about the past. If you have become aware of certain thoughts that are causing you trouble – such as thoughts of self-doubt, for example – you can be sure that one or more events in your past initiated that train of thought.
Look back to the earliest time you can remember feeling that way. Journal about it – what happened, who was there, how did you feel, and what conclusions did you come to?
Reflect
Now, take your recalled memory a little deeper, and reflect on what happened as a result of that. If you were to sum up that issue in one sentence of what you believed about yourself or life, what would it be? Write it down.
Reflect also on all the ways in which that belief has played out in your life. Consider how it affected your decision making, and influenced the way you perceived others, situations, and yourself. Again, journal your reflections and insights about this belief (and you may unearth “corollaries” to that belief that branched off into other areas of your life and reinforced it).
Review
Now, look at your beliefs that you have identified. Consider viewing the situations that initiated them from a different perspective. Did you misinterpret something and lived off of that conclusion? Were the other people involved only reacting from their unconscious beliefs, rather than actually seeing and understanding you? Were you unnecessarily hard on yourself? Did you absorb the beliefs of a parent or other influential person in your life without recognizing you had other choices?
Re-view: consider a new point of view that leads to a different conclusion and a more helpful belief. I find that Byron Katie’s “The Work” is really helpful and powerful here. She uses a practice called “the turnaround” that gives a very different perspective on a belief.
For example, you might have the belief, “Everyone demands so much of me.” You’d probably be a very busy individual, with a lot of people that depend on you. But with the turnaround, you may realize something else is going on besides a bunch of people grabbing all yourr energy and attention. In fact, it may not be true at all. With the turnaround, you shift the thought into its opposite, and often it reveals something more true than the original belief.
You could turn around a belief like this – “Everyone demands so much of me” – in a variety of ways:
- No one demands so much of me – how many people are directly asking for things and expecting them? With a reality check, maybe not so many.
- Everyone demands so little of me – perhaps they aren’t asking for anything, but you keep yourself incredibly busy in order to feel special and needed?
- I demand so much of me – You might be extremely self-critical, and you’re the one putting all the pressure on yourself, not anyone else
- I demand so little of everyone else – Are you taking on things for others that you don’t need to? Are you being codependent and doing things for others that they should do for themselves?
After doing a turnaround, you re-view – you discover a fresh perspective. You can choose a new belief about yourself and life that works better for you.
Release
Finally, just like the trees do with their foliage, consider releasing the thoughts altogether. It’s much easier to let go of unhealthy thoughts and beliefs when you’ve gone through the process of reminisce, reflect, and review, because it takes the mystery and power out of them. Now, you’re just seeing them as a thought and not “the way that it is.”
Ultimately, none of the thoughts are true – they are simply different ways to perceive and react. Just like the leaves, at one point in your life they probably served a purpose, but that time is long over. Thoughts should be used to serve a helpful purpose, and then released so that new inspiration can flow.
Have some fun with releasing thoughts – write them on little pieces of paper, and then do a “burning bowl” ceremony (but remember to be safe – have some water nearby to put out the fire!). You can burn them over a sink, if you wish. As you watch the paper go up in flame, imagine all of those beliefs and perceptions disappear in the smoke, leaving you with clarity and peace.
The practice of Presence, too, helps to release our thinking mind, open our hearts, and come fully into this moment. Rather than telling the thoughts to go away (that doesn’t usually work so well!), shift your attention to what is right here, right now. Use your 5 senses to help you discern that.
Chances are good that none of those thoughts are happening right now. And even if they are – if you’re seeing an apple in a tree and telling yourself, “there’s a green apple on that branch”, the thought is not the same thing as the reality. You can’t bite into a thought like you can that apple. Be Present, with a quiet mind and open heart, right there with the apple. See it; perhaps touch it and smell it. Just sit there with it, releasing the thoughts about it and keep turning your attention back to the apple. Sooner or later, the mind quiets down and immerses in the object of your attention.
Receive
Releasing thoughts renews your energy and allows you to receive that energy back. Imagine leaves, dropped from the trees above, composting on the forest floor. All of that compost returns nutrients to the soil, which continue to support the life of the ecosystem. When you let go of thoughts, you receive back all the energy you were expending on them. Releasing unnecessary, unhelpful beliefs and attitudes recharges your body and mind. That’s some powerful thought composting!
When you release the thoughts that no longer support you, you’ll also discover some inner spaciousness. There’s a feeling of ease. In that spaciousness within us, we can receive the blessings that life offers us.
When we practice Presence, it is more than just being there with the apple; it’s receiving the apple’s Presence with you. Everything in life offers us something in the present moment. The apple is already Present: it’s simply being itself. Fully. No thoughts in the way of just being. Receive that gift of Presence, and feel how Presence is two-way: it’s a flowing connection with All That Is.
Remember!
So while you’re enjoying the changes of the fall season, remember to change your mind, too. Bring those unconscious thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions to the surface of your awareness. It’s the perfect time to transform them through the 5 “R’s”: reminisce, reflect, review, release, and receive. Allow autumn to support you in new beliefs and perspectives – or, like the leaves, let go of them altogether.
What are you discovering with the 5 “R’s”? Leave your thoughts here (pun intended!).
by Connie Habash | Jun 9, 2020 | Action, Awareness, Change, Consciousness, Oneness, Polarities, Transformation, Unity
In this current crisis of George Floyd’s wrongful death and the re-igniting of the Black Lives Matter movement, we’re seeing the polarity of Victim-Tyrant playing out through racism.
It isn’t a new polarity – it has been perpetuated over and over through millenia with people of different races, religions, cultures, genders, and sexual orientations. It shows up even within abusive families. It also plays out through the plight of the planet at the hands of the tyrant of the human race. Every one of us can relate, in some way, to being victimized and, if we’re honest, occasionally being tyrannical.
We are now presented with the truth that there’s no going back to “normal”. Our world can’t sustain, on any level, the continued perpetuation of Victim-Tyrant. We must find a new way that transcends this polarization.
This clear realization that black lives matter and the injustice needs to be addressed and rectified is showing us in bold relief that both ends of this polarity need to come to an end. How do we do that? We start by examining the victim and tyrant inside ourselves.
The Tyrant that says it’s my way or the highway, that I am right and they are wrong, that I must be in control and dominate, which means that others must be controlled or worse yet, destroyed. The victim, that declares that I’ve been wounded and they are bad, that I am powerless and can’t do anything about it.
Neither of these positions are helpful or heal. They either abuse power or give their power away.
We are now seeing people come together to transcend these polarities. Who are owning how they have been tyrannical and seeing how they can change. Who are stepping forward into their power without becoming a tyrant themselves.
We know we need unity, in the mundane and spiritual sense, now. But we must be careful about how that is expressed. In the past, sometimes the declaration of unity and oneness carries the subtle demand that you become more like me, that we become one by homogeneity. Especially for white people. That you need to do and be what makes me feel comfortable in order for us to feel united.
There is another way. We can unite and find our sacred Oneness while honoring our diversity and uniqueness. Together, we can all know that we come from one Divine Source (although we may not give it the same name or form). We all have that sacred energy within us. It doesn’t have to express the same or look the same to find our common ground that we share.
There are hundreds of thousands of varieties of flowers – we can each know we are all flowers of this Sacred energy, and see the exquisite diversity of the myriad shapes, colors, fragrances, and textures. In order to experience unity and spiritual Oneness, we must simultaneously embrace differences.
This isn’t an easy, “say it and it is so” transformation. We will need to change ourselves and dismantle the disempowering and hurtful victim-tyrant structures in our culture, justice system, law enforcement, and media. We’re seeing the beginnings of this now, as people are protesting and taking action to create change. There’s more to be done than I can name here or even be conscious of in this moment. It will be an ongoing process of personal and collective growth.
And so worth it.
Let’s all look at how we can transform, release, and transcend the victim-tyrant polarity in our lives and in the world, and find a new paradigm that supports, respects, and honors all beings. It’s a work in progress for me, and probably for you, too. Let’s start with knowing that Black Lives Matter and bringing to consciousness white privilege; as we learn through healing this societal issue, we’ll discover some of the keys to healing our whole planet.
Resources:
The Marriage of Spirit by Leslie Temple-Thurston and Brad Laughlin
This book explores spiritual awakening, and particularly how to transcend polarities to attain unity consciousness. You can read some sample chapters here (chapter 2 and 8 are most relevant):
https://www.corelight.org/the-marriage-of-spirit-sample-chapters/
How White Fragility Supports Racism and How Whites Can Stop It
https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/07/health/white-fragility-robin-diangelo-wellness/index.html
16 Books on Race and White Privilege That Will Show You What’s Really Happening in America Right now
https://www.businessinsider.com/books-white-privilege-novels-racism-antiracism-black-scholars-2020-6
by Connie Habash | Jun 4, 2020 | Aliveness, Awareness, Beauty, Challenges, Change, Meditation, Nature, Presence, Transformation
As I’m writing this, we are coming to the end of the first phase of our shelter-in-place for corona virus, and restrictions are beginning to lift. Everyone is looking forward to going back to “normal” – but that’s not what I’m thinking at all.
In fact, there’s a lot about “normal” that I am not interested in going back to, both in my own personal life and in our planetary experience. Instead, let’s stop fully in the present moment to assess what’s true, and step forward into the extraordinary!
For weeks, we’ve been under a state of worry, fear, and certainly restriction with the corona virus pandemic. Here in California, where I live, everyone has sheltered in place, and the news is full of the latest statistics, struggles, and losses. I turned off the news weeks ago – I can read what I need to know, but I want to fill my consciousness with someone other than corona virus.
This shelter in place time, however, has been a blessing – and a challenge – for me. That’s because, right at the time we had to shelter in place, I also became ill. Not with corona virus, fortunately, but with hyperthyroidism. As a result, I got the double-whammy. I felt amped up all the time. My heart pounded, was erratic, and I was very weak – at one point, I couldn’t take more than one step on the stairs before I had to pause and wait for my heart to settle back down. My body felt hot, and I struggled night after night with insomnia. At times, my heart pounded so hard that it was painful and terrifying. No wonder it’s known also to cause anxiety, both physiologically as well as from the worry about the physical symptoms!
So I was forced to sit. I couldn’t exercise, not even a gentle yoga pose, for a few weeks. I sat on the couch and in the garden, and I rested a lot.
But mostly, I reflected, introspected, and processed what was happening to me and why. I knew there was a gift here in this scary illness that halted my life, and a gift in the shelter in place.
Woe is Me
It would have been easy to get stuck in “woe is me,” the victim consciousness of “why is this happening to me?” and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like a victim of circumstance, and powerless.
Woe means distress and suffering. There was plenty of that to go around. But I didn’t need to see my life that way.
Many of us have been lured into this state, feeling scared about the corona virus, helpless and out of control. Yes, there’s a lot out of our control. But our mental state – the thoughts we chose to believe – is something we have volition over. We have the ability to choose what we focus on and create our experience of what is happening intentionally.
I knew I didn’t want to be caught up in the collective “woe is me” mentality that the media was encouraging with every frightening story about statistics and suffering. I certainly had a lot of compassion for those who were suffering physically, financially, and who lost loved ones to the virus. I, too, had lost income and my well-being for a period of time. But I knew we weren’t stuck in a terrible state, unless I allowed myself to focus on those thoughts.
I knew there was something other than “woe is me” that I could experience about my condition and the world.
Whoa!
The Universe actually gave me a gift – not just for me, but for many of us. It offered a situation where we all had to come full-stop. When you’re horseback riding and you want your horse to stop, you say “Whoa.” So I shifted from “woe is me” to “whoa.”
My life had come to almost a standstill, and there was an opportunity here. I always look at what comes my way as some sort of gift, or at least an opportunity. With being forced by my illness to stop seeing clients and everything else that I was doing, it was time to take a good look at my life and what I was creating.
“Whoa” stops us in our tracks and gives us the opportunity to become Present. Until we are fully present – with our attention and awareness right here in this moment – we can’t really know ourselves. I had to stop and ask myself some important questions:
- What may have caused my condition?
- What do I really value?
- Who do I want to BE?
- What changes do I need to make in my life?
I don’t have the answers to all of these yet, and I know it will be a work in progress ongoing. But I came to some clear realizations as I sat, and sat, and sat.
- I discovered that hyperthyroidism is often associated with precipitating stress. I knew that I was overloading my schedule – doing too much, too fast, with too much pressure on myself. This was not the “normal” I wanted to go back to. I needed to slow down, be more present (my life lesson!), and do less.
- My meditation and yoga practice needed to return to the top of the list. It has felt so good to prioritize my meditations in the morning. I feel my mind and soul quieting down and opening up a spaciousness in me. Yoga is returning slowly, as my strength and stamina build in my physical recovery from hyperthyroidism. I’ve noticed that when I make time for yoga, whether during the day or before bed, I sleep better, in addition to feeling more alive and at ease in my body.
- Two of my most important values, which are related, are supporting a vibrant ecosystem and eating healthy: therefore, I needed to commit to cooking at home with local, organic, ethical and sustainable food. As a result, I have been learning to prepare meals and step out of my comfort zone with cooking. We are eating food that’s not only tasty, but I feel good about on all levels. My daughter and I have started an organic vegetable and fruit garden. We feel good about growing and nurturing this life right in our yard, and spending more time outdoors not just with the plants but the animals as well. We have created a bird bath that is frequented by many different species, and are currently fostering two swallowtail butterfly caterpillars into their transformation. We’re reconnecting with nature right here at home, and our whole family is rejoicing about it.
- I knew that, although I don’t buy as much “stuff” as the average American, I still had too much. I needed to spend less and only purchase what I need. In fact, as I looked back at March and April of my illness and shelter in place, 90% of what I spent money on was food and healthcare. That was true to how I wanted to live – sure, from time to time I’ll need to replace “things”, but overall, that’s all I really need.
- I let my creativity and joy drop off my short list, too. So it was time to break out the art materials and draw mandalas, create pastels, dance, and sing! To spend time listening to the birds, and playing games with my family. Prioritizing joy and creative pursuits were vital to my happiness and thriving.
- And now, with the recent killing of George Floyd and the consequential protests to bring light (again) to racism and unconscionable killing of black people has me reflecting more deeply on my white privilege, understanding racism, and what I need to change in my consciousness.
It’s a plenty big Whoa. What a gift it has been to stop, be Present, and see with this clarity. And then to take action by educating myself, learning new skills, spending time with my family, and growing past my edge of comfort. Not perfectly, and it’s not “done” (will always be a work in progress), but I have created a shift that feels sustainable and in alignment with my True Self.
Whoa is Me!
As I step forward from my pause in Presence, I feel a sense of inspiration. I shift from full stop with Whoa! to that form of Whoa that is amazement, delight, and awe.
I feel Whoa! not just about my inner journey and personal realizations, but also my physical body. I have been watching Dr. Zach Bush recently in some interviews, who predicted the corona virus outbreak and is passionate about the microbiome of our bodies and the planet. In our body, we have trillions of cells; but we also have quadrillions of microorganisms that support our flourishing on the planet. Without those bacteria, fungi, and yes, viruses, within us, we wouldn’t be able to survive. A strong, balanced microbiome, in both the soil and in our gut and other systems of the body, keeps us and the ecosystem in healthy, thriving balance.
For me, that was a Whoa! moment. I felt so grateful for all of this life within me, working harmoniously together (when it’s in proper balance, of course) for my well-being. I knew I was healing on many levels. The consciousness of all these microscopic beings was serving the higher good of the community of what I call my body. I embraced my body with tremendous love and appreciation, for all these organisms and processes that I didn’t quite understand, but I knew created the miracle of what we call life..
We are truly a community – we can’t separate ourselves from the air we breathe, the water we imbibe, the food that emerged from nutrient-rich soil (we hope – with organic, local, and regenerative farming), the sun that gives our planet light and energy, and the entire web of life. We can’t ultimately separate ourselves from each other as human beings, for we all come from the same stuff of the Universe. That is truly Whoa!
And within me – and you, and all of us – we have the ability to create anew, with each breath and each moment. We are conscious, Divine beings, and can decide who we want to be and what we want to contribute to life. We can intentionally choose what we want to do with our time, energy, and gifts, and how to apply them to the greater good. With the power to change our thoughts, attention, intention, and actions, we can transform our experience of life, and together, even transform our world.
We don’t need a lot. We may believe we don’t live in a big enough space to support what we truly want, or that we don’t have enough money, time, or energy. But we don’t need a lot of real estate, money, energy, or even clout.
Think of the last time you walked down a street and saw a weed growing in a crack in the pavement. We’ve all seen that, and maybe you’ve wondered, how did that dandelion grow there? It doesn’t even look like a millimeter of space in that crack. Yet it grows.
It finds a way to flourish, even in those conditions. It may seem like there can’t be enough soil, there’s not enough space, and there certainly isn’t enough water in there. But the dandelion isn’t thinking those thoughts. It finds the crack, and it knows what is possible. It grows because it knows. It only needs just enough room for the seed to slip in, and it believes it can thrive. So it does.
We all can, too. Even if there’s just a little crack in your life, that’s more than enough space for your thought of creation to slip in and germinate, if you know who you really are. If you open up to the awe of your Divine self, the infinite possibilities that lie within you and before you. If you know, believe, and put your focus on what you want to grow. Whoa Is Me! That’s who you are: an amazing, awe-inspiring consciousness that came here to Be who you Are. And you can make a difference in the world.
Don’t Go Back to Normal
If you find yourself, from time to time, stuck in “Woe is Me”, don’t judge yourself. Instead, embrace yourself with compassion. Then, stop – Whoa! – and be present. Ask yourself the important questions, and give yourself time to gain clarity and your new vision. You can write a new story in your life and for the planet. Recognize that you have unimagined possibilities within you, waiting for you to just give them a crack of space and attention to flourish. Then, exclaim to yourself, Whoa is Me! Be inspired by the gift of this life and your ability to create your vision.
Don’t go back to “normal”. Together, we can change the story and go forward into an extraordinary life and an extraordinary world.
by Connie Habash | Jun 15, 2018 | Depression, Healing, Transformation
Two celebrity suicides prompt me to share my own story of depression, and how I journeyed from being suicidal to wholeness and happiness within.
I have struggled this week with what to write in this month’s blog. I can’t say that this is a unique experience; I often have challenges with the looming question of “what to write?”
But this week it was a bit different. The recent suicides in the news – Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain – made me stop to reflect on things.
I hardly knew who Kate Spade was, other than seeing her name on merchandise in local department stores. Anthony Bourdain, however, I was very familiar with. Our family enjoyed watching Parts Unknown as a bit of education about other cultures around the world – how they lived, ate, celebrated, and even mourned the tragedies that their nations had been through. It felt important for us to know these foreign lands and peoples who lived very differently than we do.
Though I have no idea why they ended their lives, one thing was very clear to me: fame and fortune didn’t make them happy. At least not in a lasting, sustainable way. Although I can’t say I have had fame and fortune, I have had many lessons in the pain of depression, and in discovering what made me truly happy, or at least content with my life. It didn’t come from making money or appearing successful, or even from a wonderful relationship. I had to find it inside myself.
My struggles with depression and suicidal ideation were probably very different than what these two celebrities were dealing with, but real and painful nonetheless. Through my 20’s and early 30’s, I faced this inner darkness again and again, until it came to a critical point shortly after my 30th birthday.
I had been dating a man for about a month, and we were “madly in love”, whatever that means. In the midst of our amour, I came down with, of all things, chicken pox, and was miserably ill for 2 weeks. He was kind and visited, even brought a birthday cake with little pink dots all over it to honor my strange disease that most people had when they were in grade school.
A few days later, although I was still weak (I had dropped down to 95 pounds), I was well enough to go out for the first time. It was a very simple meal – at McDonald’s – with his 4 year old daughter and his step son. I was delighted to be included as part of the family and to finally get out of my little studio apartment.
As we were munching on our McNuggets and burgers, his daughter looked at me and asked, in her adorable innocence, “Are you getting married?” I smiled and looked at my boyfriend, then back at her. “Well, we’ll see,” I said. He and I had talked about the possibility, so it didn’t seem shocking that she asked.
But as we got up to leave, I had a terrible feeling in my body after that. Like a dead weight just dropped inside of me, that sinking feeling in the gut. Something was wrong.
I found out the next day what my intuition told me. My boyfriend called and said he didn’t want a serious relationship right now. He broke up with me, right then and there. I was in shock.
My shock sent me into a downward spiral. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing him. I had projected the ideal partner onto this man; and he even reminded me of my father, too. The perfect Freudian projection. Worse yet, I was in love with his daughter, too, and grieved the loss of her in my life. Before her, I hadn’t seen myself as a mother, and had looked forward to the opportunity to be in her life as well.
My self-esteem plummeted. I dropped deeply into depression. It was an anxious depression that felt constantly desperate – desperate to find something to make it better. I flailed about, between crying miserably and calling friend after friend to talk for hours on the phone. Nothing helped for more than a few minutes. I contemplated suicide. I just didn’t want to live with the pain anymore.
But the fact that I had suicidal thoughts scared me – which was a good thing. It meant that I actually wanted to live. Like many others who have been suicidal, I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt like this.
Then the anger arose. This was a very important shift. I was angry that the breakup of a relationship would send me down into this pit of despair. How could anything like that make me want to end my life? The anger shifted me from hopelessness to determination. I wanted to live, to thrive to be free from depression and never allow it to take me into such deep despair. I was determined that I would heal – that I would never let any person or circumstance determine how I felt about myself again.
I decided that I would do everything in my power to heal from this pain. I could afford sessions with my therapist once per week, but I needed more and I didn’t have a lot of money, so I had to find other resources. By opening up to possibilities, I discovered an amazing women’s spiritual support group – offered by donation. My “healing my heart” regimen included daily prayer, journaling, and drawing (often rageful scribbles) with my pastels. I read personal growth books, including You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, as well as spiritual books. On Sundays, I went to two church services. Most nights, I would light the candles on my altar and cry to God, or sit outside on my porch and cry to the stars. I did everything I could think of to heal this depression, build my self-esteem, and find a deeper sense of happiness within my own self.
And in less than 3 months – by Christmastime – I realized that I was enjoying my life again. There arose a renewed sense of purpose and a renewed sense of myself. It took a lot of work – almost all my energy and spare time. But it was paying off. My connection to the Divine was deep. I trusted that I was taken care of, and all was unfolding for my highest good. Even the end of that relationship. Perspective had returned.
Although I still had ups and downs after that (even to this day), I have never dipped as low as I did back then, nor have I remained depressed for nearly as long. I learned how to be there for myself when I have dark moments, and how to bring myself back out into the light. It was a great part of my spiritual and personal awakening.
I share this with you to let you know that I’ve been there, and I’ve found my way out. You can, too. Whether it’s depression, a midlife crisis, stress and overwhelm, recovering from illness or injury, the end of a relationship, or any myriad of other life challenges, there is a way through it. It is your own unique path. I know that you can find your wholeness and happiness, from a deep place within. And I am honored to guide and support you through the process.
Let me know how I can be there for you.
by Connie Habash | Jan 16, 2018 | Challenges, Empowerment, Healing, journey, Transformation
I’ve been on a path of personal healing for a long time (probably like you). Physically, I have had acid reflux for over 3 years now, which has launched me into new and unprecedented explorations of healing. Mentally and emotionally, my healing journey has been much longer, dating back to my days of depression in my teens and 20’s.
Even though I’ve come a long way, I still find myself hopeful of a cure. We all look for the quickest, easiest way to feel better, on any level. Of course we would prefer instant well-being – who wouldn’t?
But I have also reflected on the difference between what it is to heal vs. what it is to cure. It’s a big difference, and worth considering as you follow your own path of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
What is Curing?
The Oxford dictionaries offer these definitions of to cure: Relieve (a person or animal) of the symptoms of a disease or condition; Eliminate (a disease or condition) with medical treatment; Solve (a problem).
Relieve, Eliminate, and Solve – all positive and hopeful when we look at disease or despair. We want to be relieved of our pain and suffering. We’d like our problems to be solved, even obliterated.
But I also run into some issues with the word cure, at least in how we use it. We’re often “looking for a cure” or want to “be cured”. That implies something or someone outside of us. When we want to be cured, we’re buying into the belief that we don’t have what we need within us to recover; or worse yet, that we’re the problem to be solved. As if there is something wrong with us, rather than a condition that we’re temporarily experiencing.
An End Point, or a Process?
The other part of the definition of cure that bugs me is the suggestion that one minute you’re sick, and the next you’re cured. It’s over. The end.
What is wrong with that, you might say? Don’t you want the disease to end? Absolutely. But we all know that, almost always, getting well or becoming the best we can be in life doesn’t happen like flipping a light switch. One day you’re off, the next day you’re on, and that’s that. No, even when given a “cure”, there is a period of time needed for the cure to work.
You might be cured of symptoms or a problem, but healing is a process – a very special process – that takes you on a much deeper journey. Let’s take a look at what healing truly means.
Definition of “To Heal”
When we consider the definition of healing, in contrast, we find some other implications. To Heal is to “restore to health” or “become sound or healthy again”. Again. That means that our original state is health and well-being. It’s something we innately have. Healing acknowledges that legacy – that we are already sound and whole, but need to find our way back to that.
Another interesting meaning of healing from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is to “restore to original purity or integrity”. This implies something more profound than physical or even emotional health, but returning us to our true nature, which is untainted. We are already pure essence – we originated in that. Healing is the process by which we rediscover that essence within us; as a result, the body and heart become sound and whole again.
It’s Within Us
This means that it isn’t outside of us – it’s within us. When you undergo healing, even though you may be taking medicine or being treated by someone else, it is your body and your Spirit that are doing the healing, with the assistance of herbs or support by another. Yes, you could look at it as someone else “healing” you. But the body has its own system of healing built in, through the immune system and the many processes within you to remove damaged cells and replace them with healthy ones. It simply needs that process kick-started or bolstered in order to do its job. The body wouldn’t heal by the external substances alone – its own natural healing capacity works synergistically with whatever or whoever is offering the healing.
I believe in and have experienced the same with mental, emotional, and spiritual healing. We already have what we need within – the ability to be aware, to change, to transform, to love ourselves, to forgive – in order to heal a broken heart or spirit. Sometimes, we are in need of someone else or something else, whether a book or program to listen to or a counselor or coach, to help us find those amazing parts of ourselves. Once we do, the healing happens within us, through us, by us. No one can do it for us.
You’re Empowered to Heal
When you’re looking for a cure, or someone to cure you, you’re not only looking outside yourself, but you’re giving away your power. It is really that medicine, that doctor, that therapist, this is responsible for returning you to health? Or was it your willingness to seek out treatment, to open yourself to new possibilities, to undergo the challenges of change, to step out of your comfort zone, or to discipline yourself to change your diet or your thoughts that brought about the change? Probably a bit of both, but without the power within you, the “cures” wouldn’t have an effect.
Healing, although it can be assisted by herbs, medication, or lifestyle changes, comes from within you. Your body, heart, mind and spirit are designed to be able to heal, from your built-in immune system to the capacity of your mind to change your thoughts and the ability of the heart to love again, even after heartbreak.
You can look outside for a cure, but when you look to heal, you’re looking both outside and within. You are in partnership with whatever and whoever you find to help you recover your health. Healing is claiming your power in your life, by recognizing that it comes from within you – body, heart, mind, and spirit. Being cured is relieving and freeing, but healing is that plus deeply transforming.
True healing – and an effective healer – spark than innate gift of your ability to return to well-being and happiness. Your natural state is that of love, harmony, health, and ease, but we lost our balance and our way in the distractions and upsets of life. All we need is a guide to set us back on our natural course of well-being.
Are You A Problem to Be Fixed?
Curing looks at a problem – a disease, an issue – and tries to fix it. The essence of curing someone or yourself is the idea that there’s something wrong and we need to make it go away. Everyone would love a magic pill to cure us of weight problems, smoking, depression – and drug companies have enticed us with this attractive idea. But the truth is that the cravings still exist, and the root cause of the sadness won’t magically go away. Many people who have sought this kind of cure have only experienced limited success.
Are you really a problem to be fixed? Is there something “wrong” with your body? Can you flip a switch and make everything in your life all better? We know the answer. Which is why I am oriented personally and professionally towards the concept of healing, rather than curing.
A Journey, Not a Destination
In contrast to curing, which indicates a final result and you’re “done”, healing is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight, it’s not always easy (although it doesn’t have to be extremely difficult, either), and frankly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Did you ever read the Odyssey, by Homer, in high school or college? To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of details of the book. What I do remember is that Odysseus went through a very long, challenging (and exciting!) journey in order to finally return home. What’s the point of going through all that (and reading all those hundreds of pages)? Because through his journey and all the trials and tribulations he overcame, he transformed, from a prideful leader into a wise and prudent king.
The process of healing not only remedies whatever malady we have struggled with; it awakens aspects of ourselves that would have otherwise lain dormant. We become more patient, courageous, compassionate, or faithful. Each healing journey is unique, and offers us unique gifts. We have an opportunity to learn and grow through healing. Although a quick cure would be easier and more immediate, we’d miss out on the rich rewards of the healing journey.
Life-Sustaining
Healing is a process designed to carry you through the long haul. A cure is specific to a malady; healing is universal. When you heal, you retain the knowledge, in the cells of your body as well as your mind, that you have gone through a healing process. It’s an inner-knowing that you can access again and again to support you at any point in your life that you might need it. You’ll know you have what you need within you when you’ve allowed yourself to consciously embark upon a healing journey. Healing sustains you through the ups and downs of life.
Even if it has taken a long time, trust in your healing journey. It’s taking you to places of empowerment, authenticity, insight, and awareness that you would never have experienced before.
Copyright ©2018 by Rev. Connie L. Habash
Want to join me on your healing journey? Here are my latest offerings for your personal and spiritual growth!
by Connie Habash | Oct 29, 2017 | Darkness, Death, Fear, Inspiration, Life, Shadow, Transformation
Here’s some inspiration just in time for our spooky holiday, Halloween! This is my first article published on Elephant Journal – one of my favorite online spiritual blogs. Overcome your fears, explore your Shadow, honor your ancestors, and more. Read here to make this Halloween meaningful and spiritual!
At a point of internal crisis in myself with my fears and worries, two friends from nature – an oak tree and a boulder – grounded me and brought me back to my Divine Self.
In this era of blatant narcissism, it may be a very outrageous thing to say. But when we recognize that growth, healing, love, and change start with us, we need to be “me-first”.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. You’ve probably heard that saying. The first time I did was in graduate school back in the 90’s. It has held true. I haven’t been exempt from that tendency to want something different, but not being willing to do anything about it. Yet, if we want something to change in our lives, we need to make a change in ourselves.
In this current crisis of George Floyd’s wrongful death and the re-igniting of the Black Lives Matter movement, we’re seeing the polarity of 
Two celebrity suicides prompt me to share my own story of depression, and how I journeyed from being suicidal to wholeness and happiness within.
I decided that I would do everything in my power to heal from this pain. I could afford sessions with my therapist once per week, but I needed more and I didn’t have a lot of money, so I had to find other resources. By opening up to possibilities, I discovered an amazing women’s spiritual support group – offered by donation. My “healing my heart” regimen included daily prayer, journaling, and drawing (often rageful scribbles) with my pastels. I read personal growth books, including You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, as well as spiritual books. On Sundays, I went to two church services. Most nights, I would light the candles on my altar and cry to God, or sit outside on my porch and cry to the stars. I did everything I could think of to heal this depression, build my self-esteem, and find a deeper sense of happiness within my own self.
I’ve been on a path of personal healing for a long time (probably like you). Physically, I have had acid reflux for over 3 years now, which has launched me into new and unprecedented explorations of healing. Mentally and emotionally, my healing journey has been much longer, dating back to my days of depression in my teens and 20’s.
Here’s some inspiration just in time for our spooky holiday, Halloween! This is my first article published on 
