by Connie Habash | Oct 25, 2022 | Action, Articles, Empowerment, Fear, Perspective
This post contains excerpts from Chapter 15 of my book, Awakening from Anxiety: A Spiritual Guide to Living a More Calm, Confident, and Courageous Life.
The definition of fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” I find this definition very helpful because it distinguishes actual threat (which would be true danger of harm) from the belief that something could be dangerous. Anxiety is essentially a repetitive state of fear, a state of awareness focused on what could be fearful. We perpetuate the belief that something could be dangerous, and that arouses a state of anxiety.
Sure, there’s a lot going on in the world that is frightening. Those are global fears, of the bigger picture. But in this modern age, most of the fear that really stops us is more personal. It’s about the unknown in our own lives. We’re driven by fears about doing what we truly want to do with our lives, making a career change, embarking on a new relationship, or submitting a manuscript to a publisher. These kind of fears are associated with taking a risk, with what we cannot control. Yet there is a magic about this kind of fear that you may not realize.
This fear or anxiety about the unknown indicates the onset of power. Something powerful is happening in your life. That’s why you feel fearful. It’s actually calling you to step into your power in a new way. The fear and anxiety are letting you know that you’re not willing to simply settle for how it is or how you’ve been in the past. You know that you want to awaken more deeply or express yourself more fully.
When that begins to happen for you, and you’re getting a taste of what’s possible, sometimes anxiety kicks in. It doesn’t want to leave the zone of the familiar – that’s unknown territory! And we believe that the unknown is dangerous, because we can’t control it.
One small way to shift our experience of fear and increase the amount of time every day that we feel good is to change our perspective about fear and anxiety. By looking at it as a harbinger of empowerment, you can redefine it.
There are many acronyms for fear that help us change our perspective about it, but one that recently came by me has been credited to Neale Donald Walsh, author of Conversations with God. He says that when we feel fear or anxiety, we can redefine it as feeling excited and ready. If you think about it, this is true. Fear and Excitement have almost the exact same physiological response. This readies our body for whatever is required of it, such as the need to run or fight.
Let yourself feel excited and ready, and open to the positive possibilities that could lie ahead of you. Fear wouldn’t arise if something powerful, transformative, healing, and awakening wasn’t on the horizon.
Now that you have considered that the fear is here to empower you, and you have a way of reframing it, it’s time to contemplate taking an empowering action. You may not yet have a sense of an empowering action to take in response to your excitement (i.e., fear) about what lies ahead of you. But if you do, it’s time to consider stepping out into that new way of being.
Start small. You could stand in a yoga pose that increases your sense of strength and energy, like Warrior pose or Mountain Pose, and feel the power arise in you. You could roar like a lion or howl like a wolf. Write down empowering words and affirmations. Walk around your home as if you were embodying that newly-found power.
Then, reflect on what small actions you could take in your life that would support your desires. You don’t have to make a huge leap – break it down into little steps, and move towards your vision gradually. You can even ask your fear to give you guidance on how to overcome it. The fear arose to bring about your empowerment.
What little step are you willing and able to take into your empowered action? What small change can you implement? What quality would you like to put into practice? What is the first part of the adventure you’d like to embark upon? You’re now ready to not only release your fear anxiety, but to experience confident, joyful living and inner peace.
Read more of Chapter 15, and the whole journey of overcoming fear and anxiety – order your copy of Awakening from Anxiety today!
by Connie Habash | Oct 28, 2021 | Articles, Empowerment, Enough, Essence, Nonattachment, True Self
It’s common to believe that, in order to be enough, we have to keep doing more. The truth is that you are already enough, just as you are – without any doing. Let go of your attachment to the idea of “you” and be your True Self!
Often, when I wake up, I start thinking about all the things I need to do. The “need” word (and “have-to”) looms large, and it creates a sense of tension and stress in my body. I feel the pressure of the to-do list, and I also feel the pressure of what is expected of me. There’s a sense that I must be something more today, something to live up to those expectations.
But then I take a deep breath, soften, and return to this present moment. I remember that, even though I have tasks to complete and goals I’m working towards, I’m already all that I need to be, right here and now.
Do-Do-Doing
How often do we pressure ourselves not only to keep do-do-doing, but to believe that we aren’t sufficient as we are and we need to become something more, something better?
This pattern of thought is the source of our stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. I must do more. I must be more. I must do more. I must be more. Over and over and over, until we feel like we’re constantly treading water, trying to breathe above the surface of all our self-imposed demands. It’s exhausting, stressful, and can lead to depression.
Not-Enoughness
Underneath those compulsive thoughts is the belief that we aren’t enough.
Not-enoughness leads to compulsive doing, and very little be-ing. But even our be-ing becomes questionable. If we’re not enough and have to do more, then we have to become more. There’s no resolution to this pattern of thought; if we want to change, we need to consider a new way of seeing ourselves.
We can step off the hamster wheel of not-enoughness and stand on the steady ground of being who we are in this moment.
Your Essence Isn’t What You Think It Is
Who you are is your essence within. This isn’t your ego or personality. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, we are presence and consciousness within. This beautiful and powerful presence that we are isn’t limited by any idea or thought we have of who we are. It’s not limited by our past or our perceived future, which is just in our imagination.
In this moment, your True Self is already full and complete. There is nothing more for you to be, for you are unfolding in infinite potential every moment. You can’t be more than you are in any moment – you can only continue to open, explore, and express whatever arises in you in the next moment.
I Am What I Am in This Moment
You’d think that this idea would be limiting – I can only be what I am in this moment. But the truth is that we are infinite possibilities in every moment. What limits us are our ideas about who we are in the moment. We step into the next breath, the next moment, having already decided we are thus and so. We believe it firmly, and therefore we experience ourselves that way.
But that isn’t our truth. Our Self within is beyond any thought. If we want to break out of who we have been – and be all of who we truly are – we need to consciously recognize the limiting thoughts and consciously choose to let them go. We then can open to new ways of being.
We can do whatever we choose to do in our lives and be unattached to it; and be whoever we are in any moment without clinging to it. Imagine standing firmly, but with an open heart, and declaring to the Universe, “I AM what I AM in this moment.” Try it out a few times – it’s liberating!
Non-Attachment and Your True Self
This relates to what the ancient yogis called the practice of Vairagya, or non-attachment. When we let go of our attachments to who we think we are – our thoughts, beliefs, perceptions – then we discover we are already enough; right here, right now. Likewise, when we release our ideas and perceptions of what life and the world are, they have the opportunity to unfold in new, magical ways.
It’s simple, but not always easy to let go of the attachment to our thoughts of who we are. You can begin right now. Start with being willing to question your thinking. Open to consider your unlimited essence. That is the first step in knowing that you’re already more than enough!
Are you ready to let go of your attachment to who you think you are, and discover your True Self? What gets in the way for you? What challenges do you face with this practice of non-attachment? Share here!
by Connie Habash | Feb 28, 2019 | anger, Anxiety, Challenges, Depression, Empowerment, Grief, Release, relief
Let’s face it – we all go through difficult times. Everyone experiences some pain, whether physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional, at some point in their life.
During those challenging times, our tendency is to grasp for relief. Just like when we get a headache or our back is in pain, we reach for the ibuprofen to alleviate the discomfort. We want it to go away, quickly.
I’m grateful for the Tylenol during those times when I needed pain relief, fast. But we know what can happen when the medicine wears off. There’s always a chance that it will come back. Then, we’re faced with the same choice again – reach for the relief.
The Problem with the Relief Approach
There’s a limitation, a bit of a problem with this approach, especially when it comes to emotional pain. Painkillers don’t deal with the cause of the problem. They are just symptom relief. That relief is appreciated, but it’s not changing the source of the problem.
Immediate pain relief with emotions doesn’t work as cleanly as it does with ibuprofen. Unfortunately, some people turn towards drugs, alcohol, food, spending, or gambling to alleviate the pain. As with the ibuprofen, it may work for a while. But it always wears off, and then we’re faced with the depression, anxiety, anger, worry, or grief again.
If each of us knew there was a choice – if we knew there was a more effective way out that had lasting power – we wouldn’t be seeking relief so much. We’d be looking for release.
Release is Empowering
Relief is quick, but temporary. It depends on something outside of us – a medication, an addiction, or a quick feel-good action to distract us. Release takes longer. Sometimes quite a bit longer. It requires us to work at it and develop the skills and tools necessary to let go. But it’s within our power. We’re the ones learning to release. We’re the ones in charge and capable of letting go of the hurt, anger, and stress.
The best thing about the choice to release is that it’s sustainable and renewable. Release is a skill you can develop. As you practice it, over time you get better at it. When life becomes painful again, you know exactly what to do – you already have the skill to know how to release, if you’re willing to keep practicing and working at it. That’s empowering.
Release comes from within you, not outside of you. If you’re clenching a stone in your fist, only you can gently open your hand and release it. If someone has to pry it out of your hand, that’s not called release. That’s force and force isn’t always healing.
Relief works at the surface. It numbs the nerves so you don’t feel what’s going on. Sometimes, it provides a brief and needed respite. But it doesn’t seek the roots. Release practices, which aim at transformation at the ground level, seek the source of the situation. They help you to reconfigure the foundation from which that pain arose so that those emotions don’t consume you like they used to. They won’t be totally numbed out: what’s different is that you’ll be bigger than those emotions; you’ll see clearly where they arise from, and you’re empowered to move through them consciously into a more expansive sense of yourself.
A Bit of Relief, a Lot of Release
I see my work as a therapist as a little bit of relief, and a lot of release. Of course, we want to alleviate the pain. Nevertheless, I want my clients to leave sessions feeling more capable and empowered, to have practices and a new perspective that shifts them out of the old, painful patterns. Into more joyful, calm, and fulfilled ways of living.
As a yoga teacher, the approach is the same. We can bring more ease to the body through an hour yoga practice. But the real transformation comes from shifting our mental state to release physical and mental habits that create tension, and invoking meditative and mindful practices that bring about inner peace.
It’s OK if you want some relief. We all do. But don’t stop there. Rather than finding yourself back at square one again when the relief wears off, use that time of relief to create lasting, empowering change. Find someone to assist you in releasing the patterns that keep you stuck and suffering, so that you become the source of your own relief, and greater, transformative release.
Want to get started? I wrote my book, Awakening from Anxiety: A Spiritual Guide to Living a More Calm, Confident, and Courageous Life, to give you some of those tools to release worry, stress, overwhelm, and fear, and find your inner place of calm. Or Contact Me about upcoming online programs designed to bring deep healing and release.
by Connie Habash | Jan 16, 2018 | Challenges, Empowerment, Healing, journey, Transformation
I’ve been on a path of personal healing for a long time (probably like you). Physically, I have had acid reflux for over 3 years now, which has launched me into new and unprecedented explorations of healing. Mentally and emotionally, my healing journey has been much longer, dating back to my days of depression in my teens and 20’s.
Even though I’ve come a long way, I still find myself hopeful of a cure. We all look for the quickest, easiest way to feel better, on any level. Of course we would prefer instant well-being – who wouldn’t?
But I have also reflected on the difference between what it is to heal vs. what it is to cure. It’s a big difference, and worth considering as you follow your own path of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
What is Curing?
The Oxford dictionaries offer these definitions of to cure: Relieve (a person or animal) of the symptoms of a disease or condition; Eliminate (a disease or condition) with medical treatment; Solve (a problem).
Relieve, Eliminate, and Solve – all positive and hopeful when we look at disease or despair. We want to be relieved of our pain and suffering. We’d like our problems to be solved, even obliterated.
But I also run into some issues with the word cure, at least in how we use it. We’re often “looking for a cure” or want to “be cured”. That implies something or someone outside of us. When we want to be cured, we’re buying into the belief that we don’t have what we need within us to recover; or worse yet, that we’re the problem to be solved. As if there is something wrong with us, rather than a condition that we’re temporarily experiencing.
An End Point, or a Process?
The other part of the definition of cure that bugs me is the suggestion that one minute you’re sick, and the next you’re cured. It’s over. The end.
What is wrong with that, you might say? Don’t you want the disease to end? Absolutely. But we all know that, almost always, getting well or becoming the best we can be in life doesn’t happen like flipping a light switch. One day you’re off, the next day you’re on, and that’s that. No, even when given a “cure”, there is a period of time needed for the cure to work.
You might be cured of symptoms or a problem, but healing is a process – a very special process – that takes you on a much deeper journey. Let’s take a look at what healing truly means.
Definition of “To Heal”
When we consider the definition of healing, in contrast, we find some other implications. To Heal is to “restore to health” or “become sound or healthy again”. Again. That means that our original state is health and well-being. It’s something we innately have. Healing acknowledges that legacy – that we are already sound and whole, but need to find our way back to that.
Another interesting meaning of healing from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is to “restore to original purity or integrity”. This implies something more profound than physical or even emotional health, but returning us to our true nature, which is untainted. We are already pure essence – we originated in that. Healing is the process by which we rediscover that essence within us; as a result, the body and heart become sound and whole again.
It’s Within Us
This means that it isn’t outside of us – it’s within us. When you undergo healing, even though you may be taking medicine or being treated by someone else, it is your body and your Spirit that are doing the healing, with the assistance of herbs or support by another. Yes, you could look at it as someone else “healing” you. But the body has its own system of healing built in, through the immune system and the many processes within you to remove damaged cells and replace them with healthy ones. It simply needs that process kick-started or bolstered in order to do its job. The body wouldn’t heal by the external substances alone – its own natural healing capacity works synergistically with whatever or whoever is offering the healing.
I believe in and have experienced the same with mental, emotional, and spiritual healing. We already have what we need within – the ability to be aware, to change, to transform, to love ourselves, to forgive – in order to heal a broken heart or spirit. Sometimes, we are in need of someone else or something else, whether a book or program to listen to or a counselor or coach, to help us find those amazing parts of ourselves. Once we do, the healing happens within us, through us, by us. No one can do it for us.
You’re Empowered to Heal
When you’re looking for a cure, or someone to cure you, you’re not only looking outside yourself, but you’re giving away your power. It is really that medicine, that doctor, that therapist, this is responsible for returning you to health? Or was it your willingness to seek out treatment, to open yourself to new possibilities, to undergo the challenges of change, to step out of your comfort zone, or to discipline yourself to change your diet or your thoughts that brought about the change? Probably a bit of both, but without the power within you, the “cures” wouldn’t have an effect.
Healing, although it can be assisted by herbs, medication, or lifestyle changes, comes from within you. Your body, heart, mind and spirit are designed to be able to heal, from your built-in immune system to the capacity of your mind to change your thoughts and the ability of the heart to love again, even after heartbreak.
You can look outside for a cure, but when you look to heal, you’re looking both outside and within. You are in partnership with whatever and whoever you find to help you recover your health. Healing is claiming your power in your life, by recognizing that it comes from within you – body, heart, mind, and spirit. Being cured is relieving and freeing, but healing is that plus deeply transforming.
True healing – and an effective healer – spark than innate gift of your ability to return to well-being and happiness. Your natural state is that of love, harmony, health, and ease, but we lost our balance and our way in the distractions and upsets of life. All we need is a guide to set us back on our natural course of well-being.
Are You A Problem to Be Fixed?
Curing looks at a problem – a disease, an issue – and tries to fix it. The essence of curing someone or yourself is the idea that there’s something wrong and we need to make it go away. Everyone would love a magic pill to cure us of weight problems, smoking, depression – and drug companies have enticed us with this attractive idea. But the truth is that the cravings still exist, and the root cause of the sadness won’t magically go away. Many people who have sought this kind of cure have only experienced limited success.
Are you really a problem to be fixed? Is there something “wrong” with your body? Can you flip a switch and make everything in your life all better? We know the answer. Which is why I am oriented personally and professionally towards the concept of healing, rather than curing.
A Journey, Not a Destination
In contrast to curing, which indicates a final result and you’re “done”, healing is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight, it’s not always easy (although it doesn’t have to be extremely difficult, either), and frankly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Did you ever read the Odyssey, by Homer, in high school or college? To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of details of the book. What I do remember is that Odysseus went through a very long, challenging (and exciting!) journey in order to finally return home. What’s the point of going through all that (and reading all those hundreds of pages)? Because through his journey and all the trials and tribulations he overcame, he transformed, from a prideful leader into a wise and prudent king.
The process of healing not only remedies whatever malady we have struggled with; it awakens aspects of ourselves that would have otherwise lain dormant. We become more patient, courageous, compassionate, or faithful. Each healing journey is unique, and offers us unique gifts. We have an opportunity to learn and grow through healing. Although a quick cure would be easier and more immediate, we’d miss out on the rich rewards of the healing journey.
Life-Sustaining
Healing is a process designed to carry you through the long haul. A cure is specific to a malady; healing is universal. When you heal, you retain the knowledge, in the cells of your body as well as your mind, that you have gone through a healing process. It’s an inner-knowing that you can access again and again to support you at any point in your life that you might need it. You’ll know you have what you need within you when you’ve allowed yourself to consciously embark upon a healing journey. Healing sustains you through the ups and downs of life.
Even if it has taken a long time, trust in your healing journey. It’s taking you to places of empowerment, authenticity, insight, and awareness that you would never have experienced before.
Copyright ©2018 by Rev. Connie L. Habash
Want to join me on your healing journey? Here are my latest offerings for your personal and spiritual growth!
by Connie Habash | Jan 28, 2014 | Action, Appreciation, Choices, Empowerment, Possibilities, Potential, Right Action, Small
I’m tired of everyone telling me to think bigger. “You need to play on a bigger field! You’re capable of so much more!” Does that message ever exasperate you?
It sets us up for feeling we’re not enough as we are. And that whatever we do, it doesn’t measure up, or isn’t significant enough. We’ll never feel at peace within, because we’re always comparing ourselves to what we think we should be and do – bigger, better, and more of.
Sure, we can all offer more to the world. I want to do that. But I don’t want to set myself up for an ego-trip of imagining myself to be a Nelson Mandela. And that, if I don’t think that big, I’m just not living up to my potential.
Let’s stop for a moment. Can the world use some more Gandhis and Mother Teresas? Sure. Can we all be that? No. In fact, if the world were full of them, who would follow whom? Who would serve whom?
Not to mention that it’s just plain intimidating to think about doing something on that kind of scale. I don’t even think I’d want to.
But that isn’t how they started. They may not have had a big vision. They started with one, small action.
I want you to think small for a moment. Doable. One good thing that you KNOW you can do. Can you pick up that trash on the sidewalk? Can you call up a friend who is lonely? Can you volunteer at a soup kitchen this Saturday? Or give the extra lemons from your tree to a neighbor?
Planetary – and personal – change comes from a lot of small actions, not big huge ones. Many small steps made by many people. It’s billions of molecules of water together that make a big wave. A bird makes a nest from a lot of small twigs. Don’t tell the bird that one little twig won’t make a difference!
So think small. Today. And then do it again tomorrow. Everyday, can you do a little something to transform yourself, make someone’s day, or make the planet a better place? I KNOW you can.
Then, share it here on my page. It’s not bragging, it’s motivating. Your small thing may just inspire someone else to do the same!
by Connie Habash | May 3, 2013 | Action, anger, Authenticity, Choices, Empowerment, Energy, Fear, Judgment, Right Action
It’s quite common in spiritual circles to put down anger. Anger is bad, they say. Or anger is unenlightened. We must transcend our anger. We must think loving, good thoughts, and put all that anger out of our mind.
Hogwash.
Saying that anger is bad, whether it’s tacitly implied or directly stated, is just another way that we beat ourselves up and deny our truth and empowerment. It’s an easy way to judge and criticize ourselves or others for anything less than perfect behavior.
Anger is just as human as any other emotion. If we deny any of our human emotions, we become sanitized, without life, without authenticity. And we feel we don’t have a voice, can’t speak out when something happens that disturbs us. [For more about this, read my article “Authentic and Heartfelt NO!”]
There is a difference, however, between healthy and unhealthy anger. There is good reason why many spiritual traditions have attempted to banish it, because unhealthy anger expressed outward can be violent and hurtful, and repressed inward can result in resentment, disempowerment, and illness.
A healthy approach to anger is to understand it as an energy, like electricity. It is neither good nor bad, but it has an important function: to get us to pay attention and to take action. It lets us know something isn’t OK with us. It tells us when a boundary needs to be set – “no, I will not tolerate that!” It is often a cover for a deeper emotion, usually fear. Anger tries to keep us safe by holding up a caution sign. It also gives us the energy to be able to take appropriate action.
Anger can be positive when understood for the warning signal that it is and utilized to prevent harm to ourselves or another. It is a powerful energy that, when used with mindfulness by expressing our feelings or taking care of ourselves, can create a greater sense of safety, authenticity, and security in our relationships and lives.
As evolving human beings, we can learn to listen to the messages in our emotions – including anger – and consciously respond to them, rather than react. Then, anger can become healing and transformative, rather than an unwanted, “negative” emotion.
For more on healthy expression of anger and its spiritual implications, listen to my radio show “Spiritual Anger!”
by Connie Habash | Apr 7, 2013 | Action, Choices, Courage, Empowerment, Fear, Illusion, Right Action, Tolerance, Transformation, Trust
facing down fear
Everyone deals with difficulties in life. Sooner or later, something scares us. It may be the aging process, a snake, the fear of rejection, or a dwindling bank account.
Gone are the days when we have to worry about lions chasing us (unless, of course, you live in Kenya). Fear has become more subtle. In the words of Kristin Neff, PhD, author of Self-Compassion, now our fears arise not just from dark alleys or sounds that go bump in the night, but from “threats to our self-concept” – the idea of who we think we are. Yet, they end up causing similar levels of stress in the body as that lion chasing us. The fear that runs us, day in and day out, is the fear that we’re unlovable, of being bad, wrong, or a failure.
React or Respond
When we are faced with fear, we have two possible choices: react or respond. When we react, we allow fear to run us, to control our emotions, our actions, our words. But when we respond, we transform a moment of fear into a moment of empowerment.
What is a fear reaction? When we are exposed to a traumatic situation, there are three reactions that occur: fight, flight, and freeze (see Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine). The kind of fear I’m referring to, however, isn’t life or death situations, although learning how to respond rather than react in those is very helpful. In our day-to-day lives, it is the little fears – the perceived threats to our self-concept – that disempower us and cause us to react.
It is in these little fears that we have the opportunity to change our lives. And we see three similar reactions to those little fears: fight, flight, and freeze.
Fight
When we fight the fear, we attack as if it were a danger to us. This makes sense if it’s a lion after us, but most of the time our fears are subtle. We fear ridicule, failure, rejection, and when it’s that kind of fear, we often react by attacking ourselves. And if we’re not attacking ourselves, we’re attacking our partners, friends, or a stranger for things that often are imaginary affronts. In either case, we only defeat ourselves.
Flight
When we flee a fear, we do everything we can to run away and avoid it. This leaves us powerless in the face of anything that frightens us. It also can severely limit our freedom, for when we define our life by what we must avoid, it cuts off our choices.
I once knew an actor who had a reasonably successful career but had to turn down many of the best roles that came his way because he was afraid to fly to other locations. This fear not only limited his leisure time but his opportunities and prosperity.
Freeze
When we freeze in the face of a fear, we become immobilized, feeling like we can’t take any action one way or the other. We may not even realize we’re afraid, but we become indecisive, unable to discern which way to go or what to do. We can lose relationships by our uncertainty about commitment or promotions by clinging to what is familiar and being unwilling to make any move.
The other path – respond
Fear reactions may be all too familiar to us, but how do we respond instead of react? This is actually two questions in one. First, we wonder how to gain the capacity to respond, how to develop those inner muscles to overcome the reaction. The question also begs what way do we respond, for there are choices of response, too.
We actually don’t have to worry about gaining the capacity to respond. We all have the capacity to respond, to overcome fear or any other negative reaction. It is part of the inner equipment we come with as human beings.
The problem is that we rarely use it. Sometimes we use that capacity so little we don’t even think we have it, or have no idea how to use if it we did. But it’s there.
Some discover it in a crisis situation, where we spontaneously jump into action and help someone pinned under a car or caught in a house on fire. Occasionally, mothers discover it during child birth, and still others become aware of this innate ability to override a fear reaction when we know it is important not to show it to our children lest they become scared. We become brave for their benefit.
Lifting the heavy weights
Like any other capacity, learning to respond rather than react requires practice to develop it. It’s like a muscle – we have biceps, but do we really use them? How strong are they? If you aren’t lifting some sort of weight, whether at the gym or carrying logs to the wood pile, they won’t get very strong.
So in order to become good at responding to fear rather than reacting, we must be willing to lift the heavy weights: to face our fears, investigate them, and find alternatives to reacting. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to practice.
Responsibility
Responding to fear rather than reacting means we have a choice about the way we behave. When we react, we are unconscious, like a knee-jerk reaction. We may feel we are conscious about it because we can actually observe ourselves in the process of it. We watch as we become speechless in front of a group. We are fully present to the fact that we have just consumed an entire box of cookies, because we can’t stand feeling alone. But these are unconscious reactions nevertheless.
Responding means we choose an action that is more helpful to ourselves and the situation, regardless of how uncomfortable it is. We take responsibility for our life and the situation, and therefore we affect how it affects us. Responsibility means the ability to respond.
Three choices
What paths are there to take when we want to develop our responsibility in the face of fear, our ability to respond? There are three main responses (and possibly more) to fear that can truly transform your experience of the fearful situation: tolerance, courage, and fearlessness.
Tolerance
Tolerance is the ability to withstand something. We learn to accept what is when we are tolerant. Tolerance is a word used regarding cross-cultural relationships – to become fair towards and accepting of cultures and customs that are different than our own. It is also used to describe a person’s physical capacity to endure a substance such as alcohol or pain killers. A person with high tolerance can drink a lot of booze before showing signs of intoxication.
But tolerance also is defined as “the capacity to endure pain or hardship.” Rather than react, we can learn to endure what is. My eight year old daughter is learning this concept the hard way right now – with a flu bug and pink eye, she’s pretty uncomfortable and unhappy about it. But as we mature, we learn to accept that sometimes we get sick, it will pass, and we can tolerate it.
It’s the same with fears. They arise, they feel scary, but most of the time we can be with that fear and know it will pass. We can learn to tolerate the situation rather than run from it, and each time it gets a little better. This is one aspect of a traditional therapy for phobias, known as systematic desensitization. The patient is exposed to the fear-inducing situation a little bit at a time, and they slowly become desensitized – more tolerant – towards the phobia, until it no longer runs their life (or at least no longer severely limits them).
Courage
The second response to engage when faced with fear is courage. Courage is distinctively different from fearlessness. It is the act of being afraid and going ahead with the right action anyway.
We become courageous when we walk through the park instead of buying more stuff to feel better; when we take a deep breath instead of screaming at our child or partner; when we raise our hand and speak up at a meeting even though we are terrified of being judged; when we sit still in meditation even though something screams for us to fidget just once more. We do the right thing even though it’s uncomfortable or downright frightening.
As Lao Tzu, author of the ancient text, The Tao Te Ching, said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” One of the most powerful ways to build courage is to love, whether or not someone loves you. To love in the face of rejection or not getting what you want. To love when you don’t feel like it, or even when you think someone doesn’t deserve it. That includes loving yourself. When we love without limitations or conditions, we recognize that there isn’t anything anyone can say or do that will hurt our sense of self. Love is its own reward, and love overcomes fear.
Fearlessness
Which leads me to the third response you can choose in the face of fear – fearlessness. To be truly free of fear is to be full of love. Obviously, this is not a beginner’s practice, and it’s not for the faint-hearted. In fact, this isn’t something you can make happen, but something that results from many years of spiritual practice – of lifting the heavy weights.
The greatest spiritual adepts, such as Jesus or Mahatma Gandhi, were masters of this kind of love, and it gave them the greatest inner strength there is. They could face down the most threatening, frightening, and painful of situations and meet them with grace and power.
We become without fear when we completely trust in something greater. In yoga philosophy, this practice is called Ishvara Pranidhana – surrender to the Divine. This is a powerful practice. It is letting go of our attempts to control what we fear and the acknowledgement that something beyond us, the Source of the cosmos and all life, is much better at running the show.
Overcoming Avidya
More importantly than that, we become fearless when we overcome Avidya – ignorance of our True Nature. When we realize that our true Self (not our limited self of the body, mind, or personality) is Divine and eternal, that has no beginning nor end, and is unchanging, not subject to conditions or experiences, then what is there to fear?
This is not something we can simply intellectually grasp, for if we could, most of us would be there. This is something that, in order to truly become fearless, we must become. This is enlightenment.
The next time you are faced with a fear, which path will you take? Will you notice your reaction? Will you consider how you could respond? Let yourself become more tolerant of the discomfort, while developing the courage to take right action even while feeling the fear. Practice connecting in your heart to the source of love and feel love and compassion for yourself and the other. As you walk down this path, you will someday know that your true Self cannot be touched by anything that you fear.
Copyright © 2013 by Rev. Connie L. Habash
The definition of fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” I find this definition very helpful because it distinguishes actual threat (which would be true danger of harm) from the belief that something could be dangerous. Anxiety is essentially a repetitive state of fear, a state of awareness focused on what could be fearful. We perpetuate the belief that something could be dangerous, and that arouses a state of anxiety.
It’s common to believe that, in order to be enough, we have to keep doing more. The truth is that you are already enough, just as you are – without any doing. Let go of your attachment to the idea of “you” and be your True Self!
Let’s face it – we all go through difficult times. Everyone experiences some pain, whether physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional, at some point in their life.
I’ve been on a path of personal healing for a long time (probably like you). Physically, I have had acid reflux for over 3 years now, which has launched me into new and unprecedented explorations of healing. Mentally and emotionally, my healing journey has been much longer, dating back to my days of depression in my teens and 20’s.
I’m tired of everyone telling me to think bigger. “You need to play on a bigger field! You’re capable of so much more!” Does that message ever exasperate you?
It’s quite common in spiritual circles to put down anger. Anger is bad, they say. Or anger is unenlightened. We must transcend our anger. We must think loving, good thoughts, and put all that anger out of our mind.
