by Connie Habash | Aug 7, 2023 | Anxiety, Articles, Choices, Discernment, Fear
Deciding whether to venture onto an unfamiliar trail was difficult and brought up fear – but choosing, rather than deciding, got me through to the river.
It was a hot day in Nevada City, where I was staying with a friend for a few days. I had the afternoon free and wanted to explore the Yuba River, so I decided to head out on my own to find a shady refuge by the water.
I hoped to find a quiet place on the river to do Sit Spot. But when I arrived and ambled around the main access path down to the water, it was clear there was little shade, and no peace and quiet. In these temperatures, everyone was swimming and partying at the river.
Which meant that if I were to find a more peaceful spot, I’d have to set off on a trail. A trail I had never been on and didn’t know how long it was. The only one to be found ascended the hill along the western side of the river. Did it descend back down to the water? Was it super steep? How many miles to where I could dip my toes in the current? I had no idea, but there was only one way to find out.
I had noticed a lot of poison oak in the areas near the swimming holes, and this trail was no different. Fears were looming in my consciousness. Steep drop-off to my right, down to the river. Poison oak on both sides. Steps continuing to ascend, in the heat. Oh, and rattlesnakes – I had been warned there were rattlers in the area. The path is going further and further from the river’s side. Trepidation was slowing my footsteps in uncertainty.
I don’t have to do this hike, I said to myself. Maybe I’m having an intuition that something’s wrong. But maybe it’s just my old fear shutting me down from a solo adventure. What should I do? Decide to commit to this hike, or not?
I felt stuck in indecision. So I tried a different tactic. Every few minutes, I would stop and ask myself, “do I choose to continue?” At any point, I can choose to stop and turn around. And I can also choose to continue for a few more minutes. Right now, I choose to continue.
As I rounded a small corner, I jumped; at chest height, a ledge, it looked like a small snake with diamonds
on its back! A rattler! But in a split second I noticed it was rooted in the ground, with another one next to it. Just some sort of metal infrastructure for the trail, but it combined with my fear to cause my survival instinct to kick in.
Well, I thought, I’m going to need to be aware of these illusory fears at the same time as being conscious of the hazards along the way. One hazard is potentially real, and the other is a psychological hazard that hinders me from exploration.
Do I choose to continue? Yes, I do. And with mindful awareness – being Present and grounded in my body – I move forward. Relaxed, yet attentive to my thoughts, perceptions and what I notice with my senses.
What was that sound? Did I hear rattling? It was hard to discern – the river rushing in the gully below sounded a bit like that. Then there was a different buzzing; no, that was the cicadas. But what about that more raspy sound? Ah, it was the wind gently blowing the dried buckeye leaves, hanging brown and crisp from the branches. Once again, although my senses were attuned, my mind misinterprets what I notice.
Thank goodness I have inner discernment, as I walk through fears bit by bit. Yes, I choose to continue!
The path ascends a bit more, then rolling up and down, twisting and turning. I pause regularly from time to time, checking in with all parts of myself to make sure that I am not overriding serious concerns. But each time I observe myself, the fears seem unfounded.
Others traverse the trail with me. They let me know that I could access the river through small side trails that have been created by adventurers – and those are rife with poison oak. But if I continued for about a mile, I’d reach a crossing, where there was a “beach” of sorts, and the trail meets the river.
Resuming my walk, my confidence builds bit by bit, overcoming the fears that always want me to stop and go back to where it was safe and predictable. Do I choose to continue? Yes, I do.
Finally, as I amble down a more gravelly (and somewhat slippery) part of the trail, I turn a corner and see a sign up ahead, surrounded by more large, whitish boulders. “Hoyt Crossing”. I’ve made it! A few hundred feet past the sign, the foliage diminishes, the path opens up, and I’ve arrived at the rocky beach alongside the Yuba river.
I choose to continue – and I arrive at the river!
Elation and celebration! I drop my pack and hop over rocks to get to a pool of water, where I dunk my feet, shoes and all. Hooray! I made it! The cool water washes away the dust of delusion from my sandals and I realize this was really no big deal. What made it so big in my mind was the projections of fear into uncertainty.
Finding a spot in the shade, I enjoy a snack, observe plants that are new to me, watch others enjoying the refreshing waters, and reflect on my experience.
I didn’t judge myself for having fear and anxiety. That’s common and very human. What felt so good was that I found a way to gently encourage myself; by remembering that I could choose all along the way. It was empowering to know that I always have choices in my actions, perceptions, and responses to life.
The hike back was, of course, much easier – I knew what to expect. The fears were quelled and replaced with gratitude. I’m so glad I chose to continue and reached my goal. But mostly I was glad that I gave myself choices, never forcing nor abandoning myself all along the way.
by Connie Habash | Jul 14, 2020 | Acceptance, Attachment, Challenges, Choices, Contentment, Destiny, Determination, Nonattachment, Suffering, Yoga Philosophy
Spiritual, psychological, and yogic insights from Hamilton, an iconic musical so applicable to our times.
Like millions of others over the 4th of July weekend, I watched – for the first time! – the Broadway hit musical, Hamilton. I knew it would be great, but had no idea how much it would impact me, and the many insights it revealed about my life and our world, right now. As the song from the musical says, “History Has Its Eyes on You” and me, as I’ll explain below.
Beyond the amazing music, acting, choreography, set, and costumes, so many themes, both personal and spiritual, emerged for me from this theatrical experience. It touched deep emotions and issues that resurfaced from this story about Alexander Hamilton’s life.
Just in case you don’t know, Alexander Hamilton was one of the “founding fathers” of the United States of America. He isn’t talked about as much because he was never a President (as an immigrant, he never could be), but his face does make the $10 bill due to being our first Secretary of the Treasury. His life was as fascinating as it was impactful on the beginnings of our nation – making a powerful story to convey through a musical, much to the surprise of many when it first debuted.
This is a bit of a different blog post than I usually write (and longer, too), and I have to admit that it swam around in me for over a week and I resisted. I avoided and was overwhelmed. It touched old pain in me, and also old patterns that I thought I had laid to rest long ago. I feel that by writing this, I’m helping to close those chapters again and put to rest my obsession for the last week and a half with this story.
I won’t be able to tell you the full tale, but if you haven’t seen it, it’s well worth it. Here’s my insights that arose for me from watching it (with references to the songs so you can have some of your own experience).
Is it Destiny? Is it Determination?
Hamilton begins with a bit of personal history about how he grew up, which lays context for how and why he does what he does with his life. The first lines of the musical:
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore
And a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot
In the Caribbean by providence impoverished
In squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
His father left him when he was 10, his mother died two years later, he moved in with his cousin and his cousin committed suicide. Wow. What a painful beginning to life, and a testament to how he pulled himself up by his own bootstraps, against all adversity. He immigrated to the United States from the Carribean to make a name for himself and contribute to the American Revolution.
His fervor for pursuing both his principles and notoriety were fueled by this spirit of surviving and thriving in him. It was principle, but also pride. His hubris took him very far in influence and the public eye, but also was his undoing.
He wondered why he had lived, when others around him died. It brings up a question of destiny vs. determination. Did he will himself to survive, even through a hurricane? It seems that both were in play.
We are often, in spiritual circles, playing with these ideas – of “creating your reality” or being affected by karma. Through Hamilton, we can see them both manifest; he survives through tremendous adversity that is out of his control – perhaps fate? – but clearly creates both his great success (as the theme of the song “My Shot” reprises throughout the musical) and his ultimate demise through insistence on speaking his full and complete truth.
His Adversary – and Flip Side of the Coin
Aaron Burr – Hamilton’s first friend in America, and eventual enemy – plays a pivotal role in the musical, and ultimately, in Hamilton’s life and death. Just as ambitious as Hamilton, Burr takes a very different tactic to work towards his goals: restraint. He tries not to ruffle any feathers, smiles, talks less, and tries to figure out what other people want from him.
Burr is stunned – and jealous – by Alexander’s meteoric rise to fame and power from sheer determination and deftness with the pen. But Burr sticks by his philosophy to “Wait for It.” He’s willing to be patient, bide his time, and trust that he’ll eventually receive the accolades he desperately longs for (and the woman he is in love with, too).
Raga and Dvesha, At It Again
At first, I thought there was merit in Burr’s patience. After all, it is a spiritual quality, no? But looking more deeply, as the musical progresses, I see that Burr is caught in the same egoic drive as Hamilton, but he is simply coming at his ambition from the other direction.
It reminds me of the yogic concepts of Raga (desire) and Dvesha (aversion). You could actually think of both concepts as desire, but Raga is desire expressed by attraction to what you want, and Dvesha as desire expressed as avoiding what you don’t want so that you can experience what you want. These concepts are two of the causes of suffering according to yoga philosophy, and understandably so. There’s never an end to what we could desire nor is there any shortage of what we’d like to avoid (especially during these COVID-19 days).
Hamilton’s life seems driven by Raga. It’s all about his desire for recognition, intellectual prowess, fame, position, and even his flirtatious and sexual distractions. He’s never satisfied – and more on that shortly.
Burr likewise is obsessed with what he wants (expressed later in the musical in the song, “The Room Where It Happens”) – attention, recognition, power – but his path is one of trying to avoid upsetting anyone or taking any risks. Dvesha runs his life, and he even believes it’s a virtue by convincing himself he’s just patiently waiting for it. But patience is only a virtue when we are able to practice non-attachment to outcome. True patience is trusting in the Divine, knowing that the result is in our highest good, no matter what unfolds. For Burr, in his own way, he’s never satisfied, either, no matter how long he “Waits for It.”
Contentment? Not Here!
One of the most emotional moments of the musical, that hit home in so many ways, was when Angelica, who becomes Hamilton’s sister in law, sings “Satisfied.” She, too, has Hamilton’s disposition – knowing she’s smarter than most others, and ambitious, too, she wishes for her sister, Eliza, and Hamilton’s satisfaction in their marriage, although she knows both Hamilton and herself will likely never be satisfied.
My favorite spiritual principle from yoga philosophy, which I return to again and again, is contentment – Santosha – and I can see how that lack of contentment wrecks havoc in the lives of Hamilton, Burr, and Angelica. It’s been a painful one for me, too, as my pattern from early childhood was to always be seeking more and trying to be more. Although, in a small way, it has brought me success, many years ago I recognized that this discontent as my driver (and the inner self-doubt that was its constant companion) caused me a lot of misery and couldn’t carry me to true satisfaction. Only through Santosha could I find peace and fulfillment in the present moment.
I can’t help crying when I hear Angelica singing this song. How many of us have suffered from the inability to feel Santosha – to allow ourselves to feel content with what is, rather than always longing for something else, something more.
George Washington’s Integrity
I know GW was a slave holder and not a perfect man, but here in the musical (and honoring his great contributions to creating our nation), I felt he was a holder of integrity, clarity, and vision. You could feel the power of his leadership. It never appeared self-serving nor dissatisfied, but clearly focused on the goal. He had a vision and sense of intent in his actions that was powerful, and if the historical figure indeed was similar, I can see how he was the perfect leader to carry these young colonies through the Revolutionary War.
Later in the musical and in time, Washington steps down from the Presidency as he refused to run for a third term. He knew when he had done enough, and was a peace with it – an expression, for me, of Santosha. Content with having done his best, he was able to let it go, trusting in the new process of the government he helped to create, and setting the example for a change in power.
I probably cried the most with the song, “History Has Its Eyes on You.” Such an intense and moving connecting between Washington and Hamilton in that moment, and it is carried forth as a theme through the rest of the musical. The importance of that phrase stuck with me, right now in our history of the world, and in our personal lives. I’ll get to more of that near the end of this post.
The World Turned Upside Down
The song about the final battle, the Battle of Yorktown, has the refrain “The World Turned Upside Down”. This one was really moving for me, too – such an amazing theatrical portrayal of the battle and the transformation our country and the world underwent through defeating the British and winning our freedom.
I couldn’t help but reflect on the state of our own world right now. For most of us, it really does feel like our world has turned upside down. Whether you’re looking at climate change, Black Lives Matter, our political system, or COVID-19, we’ve been met with surprise and shock and stun all year long, and it doesn’t look like it will let up. In every case, it’s really up to us to right the ship, on a new course. We can’t go back. For me, the song is a reminder that we’re in a challenging time and it’s up to us, just like it was up to the young Americans, to do something about it.
It also happens to be my favorite song in the musical. 🙂 Um, maybe?
[just have to mention a couple asides: though I don’t have any spiritual thoughts about it, the songs that King George sings are stellar and hysterical! And my favorite actor is Daveed Diggs, whose portrayals of Lafayette and Jefferson were the most fun and memorable for me.]
Loss and Pain
As if I didn’t cry enough through the first act, I was sobbing through most of the second act. So many losses – the death of his son through a duel, the death of his friend John Laurens (maybe in the 1st act?), the loss of the love of his wife after he cheated on her. The downward spiral that Hamilton seemed stuck in was painful to watch, right down to his own demise from a duel (another egoic trap – weren’t all duels?).
I find it hard to imagine that it wouldn’t touch on everyone’s losses in their life; the loved ones that have died, the hurt done to us, and the things we’ve done that have hurt others.
Hamilton made an extraordinary impact on the birth of our nation – but he also hurt a lot of people, too. The power of one person to build up or destroy. He’s a mixed bag. Most of us are, and fortunately not as extreme as he is. His wife forgave him, and carried on service to the country for 50 years after his death.
It’s humbling to consider how she turned her pain and loss into caring for the greater good, by standing up against slavery, raising funds for building the Washington Monument, and founding an orphanage in New York, which is still there to this day. And, of course, compiling his writings and telling Hamilton’s story for generations to come to learn from. We, too, can transform our pain and losses – even our mistakes – into growth and lessons for how to better care for others, our planet, and even ourselves. We don’t have to stay stuck in the sorrow.
Burr’s Revelation
Burr’s political career slowed after he killed Hamilton in a duel. I don’t know what happened to the actual Burr, but in the musical he realizes that the “World Was Wide Enough” for both Hamilton and Burr. This is a spiritual realization of sorts.
The truth is that there’s enough room for all of us to make a difference and fulfill our purpose. Each of us has something to contribute. It’s easy for us to get jealous or competitive with people who follow a similar path or career. But there really is room for us all, and not just room, but we’re all needed. Each of us has a role to play – Burr did, too.
It doesn’t matter if we’re the one getting all the attention or not – only the choices that we make in our lives and what we choose to contribute matter. What other people think or say is not just unimportant – it’s not in our control. But we can decide to write our own story.
History is Written by You
I mentioned earlier that the theme from the song “History Has Its Eyes on You” is woven through the second half of the musical. These young revolutionaries knew they would alter the course of history, and so they should be mindful of the choices they make.
We’re at a pivotal time in our world history right now, too. Each of us is contributing to what will be told a hundred years from now. It wasn’t just the founding fathers, but the collective actions of the American colonists – women and men – that changed our trajectory. We have those choices now, with the leadership of our nation, creating true equality, overcoming corona virus, and healing our planet.
We can learn from the stories we hear of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. One was passionate, spoke out for the truth, but was never satisfied and hurt many. The other was patient and kept his thoughts to himself, didn’t offend, and didn’t take risks (except for killing Hamilton, a bad decision), but may not have lived up to his potential and likewise wasn’t content with his life.
Can we find the middle ground? We can discover how to speak our truth and be empowered from our own heart, rather than through putting down others. We can learn to wait patiently, trust in the Divine, and let go of our attachment to outcome. We can take action on what truly matters to us without expecting perfection, and let it be good enough. Like George Washington, we can do our best and then let it go when it’s time to step back.
You Tell Your Story
The musical ends with one of the most moving pieces, “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?” These are the things that we don’t have control over. At a certain point, we must surrender control to something greater than us, and simply do our best in each present moment.
I doubt anyone will be telling my story in a hundred years, and what does that matter? What’s important is our own stories we write of our lives. Every day, we’re telling our own story. Is it one that you enjoy, that you feel proud of? That’s meaningful to you? That has touched your heart and soul, and that of at least one other in this world? Your story matters, because it is yours. It’s your life, and you get to create your story.
You can change your own history, right now. We can’t control who tells our story, if anyone, after we die. But right in this moment, we can live our story. If you don’t like the story so far, you can start a new chapter right now. You are the author, and you can be who you came here to be. No one else can write it for you – you’re the only one who has the power to do so.
Take inspiration from Eliza Hamilton, who committed to living her principles and making a difference, in spite of all the pain she suffered. Imagine if each of us did that. Our collective story can be one of healing, unity, and peace. And that’s a story that will be heard in a hundred years. Our History Has Its Eyes on You and Me.
Thanks for reading my insights from Hamilton. What impacted you from watching Hamilton? What spiritual themes did you see? I’d love to hear from you.
by Connie Habash | Nov 19, 2017 | Acceptance, Challenges, Choices, Divine, Gratitude, Let Go, Mindfulness, Presence, Release, Seasons, Self-Care
Thanksgiving: a unique American holiday that is universal, unlimited by religion, race, or any category. It’s a special time to come together with family and friends to feel gratitude on this day of the celebration of abundance (oh yeah, and feasting!).
But for some of us, this isn’t an entirely pleasant holiday. We may be faced with “going home” to tension, crazy family dynamics, feeling ignored or attacked, possibly being the black sheep of the family. Perhaps you are hosting a large gathering, and stressed about pleasing everyone’s palates – or having everyone in your house! There may be a recent loss in the family that makes holidays, especially the most family-oriented one of the year, somewhat painful. Or we may be apart from our family, or feel that we don’t have one, and are faced with spending this holiday alone.
I have found myself in most of these scenarios at some point in my life. It’s difficult, and you’re not alone if you feel this way. But I have found, over the years, some ways to make Thanksgiving easier, more meaningful, and more fulfilling, no matter if you have a wonderful, warm family to spend it with or you find yourself feeling stressed and left out of the loop.
- Let go of expectations – Expectations increase the risk of disappointment. If you’re going home, set the intention to flow with whatever arises. You have what you need within you to respond appropriately. Having everyone over? Relax and accept that you’ve done your best: you don’t have any control beyond that. If you’ll be on your own, allow yourself to appreciate whatever you have.
- Take time for yourself – I tend to feel overwhelmed when surrounded by a lot of people, even (and sometimes especially!) my own relatives. I always plan for some alone time away from the pack, where I can rest, process, and re-center myself. Even if that is in the bathroom!
- Be present – When you’re with your family or friends, really be there in the moment. Notice when past situations, conflicts, or resentments arise in your mind; acknowledge them, and do your best to return to simply being there with what is right now. Listen, smell, taste, touch, and see. Feel your breath, chew slowly, notice what is happening within you and around you.
- Make other plans – If you’re alone for Thanksgiving, see if there are neighbors or friends in a similar boat you can share a meal with. Or create your own ideal day by yourself. You could take a hike, sit by the ocean, go to a movie, do a craft, etc.: whatever brings you joy and fulfillment. And if you are with family and you feel you need a break, make plans to go out for a while with whomever you feel most comfortable or meet up with some old friends in the area (and take some alone time, as mentioned above).
- Create a gratitude collage – It helps to find what you’re thankful for in your life, and focus on it. One way to do that is to create a collage, either with images (the traditional way) or words. Cut out pictures from magazines to represent what you feel grateful for in your life and in the world, and paste them on a board. Or use colorful markers to write the words of what and who you are grateful for. Get playful and creative!
- See the Divine in you and in everyone – Practice looking into other people’s eyes and envisioning their spirit, the Divine within them. It’s there if you are willing to see it. While you are at it, look in the mirror into your own eyes, and see it in yourself. This is the single most powerful practice I have found to connect myself to others, even people that I don’t particularly care for. It helps me overlook their (and my own) personality flaws and see a glimpse of our Oneness.
Remember that Thanksgiving is a once-a-year holiday; no matter how uncomfortable the circumstance of that day is, you’ll survive it. But to truly thrive in your life, use it as a jumping-off point to focus on gratitude every day. With that consistent practice, you can fill yourself with the abundance that life offers in every moment, overflowing.
Copyright © 2017 by Rev. Connie L. Habash
by Connie Habash | May 10, 2017 | Body, Choices, Decisions, Indecision, Risk, Safety
photo by laura musikanski
Last month, I explored the topic of “What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do” on my radio show, which has been a subject I’ve pondered for years and written articles about. But I’ve recently been impacted by the challenges of decision-making with my 12 year old daughter.
12 years old is a tough age. I don’t know about for boys, but for girls (and my daughter in particular), it’s a very bumpy ride. She’s been inundated by increasing demands at school, social pressures, and disappointments, not to mention the emotional roller-coaster of hormonal changes.
Perhaps all of this has contributed to her difficulty making decisions. She gets stuck in a frenzy of not knowing what to do. Smoke practically rises from her head when she’s not quite happy with either and feels she can’t choose. Her whole body tenses up, her face turns red, and nothing I say seems to make a difference. I wonder if she’ll blow a fuse.
Perhaps you sometimes feel like that? Like you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t, and don’t know which way to go?
Most of us look at decision making from two angles – the safe route and the risky route. A higher risk choice feels a little scary, puts us out of our comfort zone, and might end up in failure; but it also holds more possibility for something really rewarding and exciting. The safe route, on the other hand, is comfortable. It’s familiar, it’s easy, and doesn’t require facing any fear. But it holds more possibility for boredom and stagnation.
There’s nothing wrong with either choice. The safe route and the risky route are both valid and appropriate. The only problem is when we find we’re almost always choosing one or the other. If we avoid the safe route and always feel we have to throw ourselves into confrontation or busting out of our comfort zone, there’s something we’re avoiding in the familiar. We have yet to embrace the simplicity of just being where we are, and feeling present with the ordinary. On the other hand, most of us know the problems with always choosing the safe route: we’ll never experience anything new, and likely become stuck in old ways, no longer growing. What we know from nature is that if something isn’t growing, it’s dying.
So we want to have some balance between taking the safe route and taking the risky route in our choices in life. It’s doesn’t mean exactly 50/50, but finding the right amount of edgy choices and the right amount of safer selections for you, at this time in your life, which is unique and individual.
However, there’s more than just two choices when we make decisions. This was my daughter’s dilemma. It became very clear on Easter. We decided to go to Unity church for Easter service that morning. Again, age 12 and the middle school problems reared their head: go the teen program, with kids I don’t know, or come into the main sanctuary with my parents for the service?
The risky road would give her the potential to have fun with her peers and meet new people she might connect with, but the danger of embarrassment, feeling ostracized, not fitting in. Going with Mom and Dad? That was safe, comfortable, but the service could be awfully boring, and no one her age to have a chance to connect to.
So what did she do? She did exactly what you need to do when you’re stuck and don’t know what to do. She stopped. She sat in a chair on the patio outside with me, between the teen room and the sanctuary, and wouldn’t budge. She couldn’t choose either. I was getting anxious that we would miss both services and regret sitting outside. I feared that she’d be angry and frustrated with herself and with me, and I’d be equally as annoyed, both with her indecision and my inability as her mother to help her navigate it.
But this is exactly what she needed to do. If we don’t stop the ruminating and flipping from one side to the other, we won’t be able to get to get to the 3rd option. The 3rd option transcends the mind. It’s beyond the thoughts of whether to take a risk or play it safe. It taps into our truth through the body.
Too often, we get caught up in trying to figure out the “right” answer. Our mind compares and contrasts, looking at positives and negatives, trying to come to a logical solution, or one that feels good to us. Sometimes, we get in a rut of ruminations over alternatives, paralyzing us in the inability to choose between options. This was my daughter’s dilemma.
When you choose, instead, to just stop, you can let yourself feel. Be present with your body, and begin to notice sensations. These sensations can guide you to the best choice for you in the moment. For my daughter, her body simply got up and walked with me into the sanctuary. Once her mind got out of the way, she was able to make a choice.
You can sit in your body with one of the choices, and notice how it feels. It is more expansive, relaxed? Energized? Tense? Shaky? Whatever sensations you notice can guide you to whether the choice feels empowering, overwhelming, draining, grounding, etc. Then, try on the other choice and observe how your body responds.
Like my daughter, occasionally if you sit with the experience and let go of the choices, the body will do something. You won’t have to think too much about it, it simply gets up and moves in the direction it wants to. This is the body moving in the way that it feels most resonance with in the moment, and can be a helpful way to make decisions. It’s the 3rd option.
Give it a try. If you’re ruminating and feeling stuck on which way to go – and afraid you’ll miss out on both possibilities from lack of action – give yourself some time to stop. Let go of the “figure it out mind” and let something else rise to the surface. Let the 3rd option emerge, and guide you to where the body wants to go.
by Connie Habash | Feb 8, 2017 | Action, Choices, Intention, Judgment, Love
February – a month that, stereotypically, we turn towards greeting cards with red and pink hearts, roses, chocolates, and are inundated with commercials about diamond jewelry. Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and whether it’s something you relish or are repulsed by, it’s here in our western culture.
I tend to avoid writing about this topic, but this year some new insights flowed in. Many of my clients and students struggle with the feeling of being lovable. This time of year can be triggering, causing some to feel lonely and lacking in romance. Others are disgusted at the commercial aspects, the commodification of love. And many of us continue to explore what is love, and what is the nature of our lovableness?
Valentine’s Day causes us to ask – who loves me and who do I love? How can I get love, have my needs for it met? I want to feel special, noticed, attended to, romanced, made love to, nurtured, and cared for. Naturally, we all want to be loved.
Spiritually, the question – as you probably know – is to ask: who can I love? How can I love others more? What is Unconditional Love? But to be frank, most people aren’t thinking about that on Valentine’s Day. They’re looking at their love life either with hopefulness and gratitude, or wistful longing.
It is a very basic psychological and emotional need to be loved. Scientific studies have shown that primates do not thrive unless they are held, loved, and nurtured as infants. We humans are no exception and in fact clearly need love and attention. However, if we are to truly feel loved and lovable, we must find the source of what love and lovableness is, whether we’re in a relationship or not. And we must find the blocks within us to feeling lovable as we are.
M. Scott Peck, author of the classic personal growth book, The Road Less Travelled, describes love in as clear and honest a way as I have found:
“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
Here, he asserts that love is not a feeling, happening to us, but rather an intention and an action that we choose. We often feel that love comes upon us passively; it is out of our control, given to us from another. But this is not correct. We experience the feeling that we call love because we have allowed ourselves to receive and experience it flowing through us. In essence, we open to and become love.
Those moments when we feel head over heels in love? When we receive a meaningful gift, a passionate kiss, a warm hug, an expression of appreciation or gratitude? Those are the result of releasing our inner blocks to the love that is there all the time, within us. We feel it within us, not outside of us.
By giving, we become the action of love. By receiving, we open to that love. By making ourselves vulnerable with someone we trust, we feel love. By offering an act of kindness, we become love in action.
When we see and feel love in this way, we come to understand that we have always been loved and lovable. It is the truth of who we are. We realize this when we release whatever is in the way of being that Love, the Love with a capital L that transcends the need to have someone to love or to love us, that transcends having a “reason” to love someone, that transcends whether we are “getting” what we want or not. This is Unconditional Love, the love without any conditions, reasons, or agendas.
Our task, then, is not to get the love we want, it’s to become that Love. When we are Love, there’s no question of whether we’re lovable or not. When someone is loving towards you, in a sincere and unconditional way, do you have any doubt that they are lovable? Don’t they just ooze lovableness by the fact that they are embodying what it is to be loving? We know we are lovable when we are loving towards others.
However, one of the blocks to becoming that Love is our difficulty with loving ourselves, yes? We have so many judgments about ourselves that it’s hard to let the love in from others. We have difficulty loving ourselves because those labels and judgments distort our self-image, making us unable to perceive the Love that is the source of Who We Are. Similarly, we hinder our ability to love others due to those same judgments and comparisons. Judgment and comparison create separation: between us and them, between the fragmented parts of ourselves, locking what we perceive as undesirable in the basement.
Love doesn’t judge or compare. Love embraces what is whole-heartedly, sees right through to the essence, accepts completely. Love doesn’t analyze. In contrast, Unconditional Love transcends thought. It is Being in the purest form, which gives rise to delight in All That Is.
Not so easy to transcend those thoughts, you say? It’s not as simple as thinking “I am lovable. I am Love.” Although that is helpful, we all know that plenty of other thoughts come in to the contrary.
Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith says that if we want to be beautiful, it’s not enough to say “I’m beautiful.” We must think beautiful thoughts, and then we become the essence of beauty. We focus our attention on all that is beautiful around us, appreciating the beauty of kindness, immersing in the majesty of snow-capped mountains. Filled with attention on beauty, we radiate with more beauty ourselves.
To feel and experience being lovable, our thoughts, words, and actions need to similarly be immersed in love. As Scott Peck asserts, this is love as a choice, an intent, an act of will that counteracts that which would impede it.
If we are either withdrawing from those we love, on the defense, or constantly demanding their attention, we are not letting love flow freely through us. We need to let go of our expectations, especially of perfection, and forgive ourselves and others. Our lovableness, though it is inherent in who we are, won’t be experienced unless we are attuned to Love by our thoughts, words, and actions. Otherwise, we see and experience more of whatever we think, speak, and do – and if that is judgment, it won’t be an experience of Love.
This Valentine’s Day, recognize the Love that is who you are. Acknowledge that, deep down, you are already loved and lovable. Then, do your best to attune yourself to the energy of Love. When you get down on yourself, what would you want someone who loved you to say? Practice thinking those thoughts. When you feel critical towards another, consider how you can be authentically more loving and accepting. If you see harm being done to another, how would Love guide you to help heal the situation? It will take some time to overcome the old thoughts and ways of being, but you can do it. You can become Love.
by Connie Habash | Jan 19, 2017 | Attention, Choices, Destiny, Intention, Manifestation
Whoa – with a title like “Your Destiny”, you’re bound to give pause. You’ve probably thought about your destiny at a few points in your life. Is destiny pre-determined? Is it a well-defined path that you just plod along? Or do you have something to do with the unfolding of events in your life? And how do the events unfolding in the United States, with a new and controversial president, affect your destiny?
Destiny is, in my opinion, a misunderstood word. We often associate it with the definition of “a pre-determined course of events.” Sometimes, destiny feels like that, as if things had to turn out a certain way, and there was nothing we could do about it.
But destiny is far more than just a fixed roller-coaster ride that you’re committed to and at the whim of as soon as you buckle up. No, destiny is a co-creation that has everything to do with your choices and your attention.
Fatalism vs. Free Will
When we think of something as “destined” to happen, some believe that there was no other choice – it was meant to be. As if our lives were some book that was already written, and when you turn to page “January of 2017” it is declared there what happens, period. This is a fatalistic point of view.
Others believe more in free will – that we determine the course of our lives and make it happen. This is also referred to as manifestation. We create exactly what it is that we want. You may remember the phrase from your high school US history class, “manifest destiny”. This was the idea that there was a divine sanction to spread across the lands of North America and settle on them. In reality, this was using a belief to manifest what people in the newly formed nation wanted: to expand their territory and acquire personal property. They created this destiny through free will by heading west, purchasing territory as well as forcibly acquiring land.
It’s Not That Simple – Yet, It Is
Destiny, in my view, isn’t so cut and dry. It’s not completely pre-determined, set in stone before we were born. Nor can we simply create whatever we want whenever we want it. If we could, we’d all be magically living our ideal lives like an avatar in an online game.
I like this definition of destiny: “the power or agency that determines the course of events”. If you’re more fatalistic, you can view that power as outside yourself. But on the spiritual path, we discover that power is within us. And when we harness that power, we can see that charting our course, to a certain degree, is relatively simple – but not necessarily easy!
You Have the Choice
I recognize that there are a lot of things that influence my life – the weather, my daughter’s moods, and currently the transition of a new president coming into office. These varied external circumstances are not in my immediate control and can definitely affect my life. But they don’t determine it. It’s up to me to decide how to respond to my daughter’s anger, although it’s certainly challenging not to react. When I’m able to respond with patience and calm, rather than blowing up, the result is usually very different. I may not be able to control her moods, but I can determine myself to shift the energy by shifting my own.
You and I have the power to choose, always, how we respond to what happens in life. A recent sermon given by one of my inspirations, Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith, summed up how I want to approach this shift in our nation right now. He asserted to be “aware of situations, but you don’t allow them to determine your destiny.”
There are situations in your life, and in mine, that we can’t avoid and we need to be aware of. But they do not have to determine how your day or your year unfolds. Most importantly, they don’t have to determine how you feel inside, what you believe, and what you create with what you have. You decide that.
Where You Put Your Attention
We can choose to obsess over situations, constantly watch TV and follow the media, and get all in a hissy fit about whatever happens. We can be in fear, or anger, or feel righteous. We can be excited and anticipate change. We can take action, or sit in meditation, or a little of both. What we choose right now will have an impact on our world and our experience.
I’ll repeat myself – your destiny is not determined solely by these events unfolding around you. You can give problems a lot of attention and suffer a lot by ruminating over them. Alternatively, you can focus on solutions and making a difference, on creating something beautiful in your life, or helping out others less fortunate. Where do you want to put your attention? That is the simplest, most important aspect of determining your destiny.
What You Believe, What You Think – Therefore What You Experience
No matter how things unfold in the external world, this time ahead of you can be powerful, transformative, and opening you to new possibilities in your life.
What do you believe is possible? Perhaps this is a time to step out of your previous limitations and see what you are capable of. Perhaps it is a time to step out of complacency and move into action, no matter how small. To realize your potential by stepping forward with visions that have called you for a long time. It starts from determining what you believe, what you value, and standing by that. If you believe it is possible and your thoughts, words, and action align with that belief, then you’ll begin to manifest that destiny.
In the words of Mahatma Gandhi:
Your beliefs become your thoughts
Your thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions
Your actions become your habits
Your habits become your values
Your values become your destiny
As we embark upon this new phase in American history with the incoming president, let this guide you and your destiny. Clarify what you really believe, aligned with a Higher Power. Practice faith in that belief. Support your beliefs with self-awareness in choosing your thoughts, words, and actions mindfully. Develop positive habits that support what you believe, value, and intend in your life. Don’t give up when the weather turns bad – see it as everything else, temporal and changing, and keep your rudder steered in your intended direction. You determine your experience of what is, and can see this unfold into a destiny – that you co-created – beautiful to behold.
by Connie Habash | Apr 17, 2014 | Awareness, Choices, Consciousness, Delight, New, Perspective
I remember back in college my Sociology teacher gave us an interesting assignment. For the next week, he told us, we needed to drive to and from our home by different routes each day. We were then to reflect on how the experience affected us.
I revisited this practice at my office recently, when my husband had taken my car for the day. This forced me to walk to lunch, rather than driving to one of my favorite spots.
Walking down a street that I usually drive down was a very different experience. Waiting at the crosswalk, ambling over to the other side of the street, and strolling along the roses growing next to the sidewalk was refreshing. It slowed me down and allowed me to see and appreciate what was around me.
Rather than taking the regular thoroughfare to my destination, I decided to turn onto a street inaccessible to cars as a shortcut to the restaurant. The houses on this small avenue were delightfully old and full of character, the gardens with a variety of fallen leaves and newly planted flowers. I relished in the smells of blooming lilac, of moist soil and compost after the rain, and stopped to pet a dog being walked on a leash. These are small pleasures I don’t get to experience while driving in my insulated vehicle. They left a joyful and light imprint on my heart.
Our minds fall into sleepy habits, just as we unconsciously drive the same route every day. If left to what we always do, we never experience anything new. We become lulled into the dull and ordinary, and we never see the familiar from a different perspective. To keep yourself truly awake, truly conscious and aware, it’s essential to change things up from time to time, and open your senses to a fresh experience.
Do something different today. Walk instead of run, take a new route, slow down. Read instead of watch TV, write instead of read, pick up a paintbrush in lieu of a pen. Try something you’ve never done before. Open your eyes to your surroundings, and gain a new perspective on yourself and your world.
Share your experiences here!
by Connie Habash | Apr 9, 2014 | Choices, Consciousness, Create, Manifestation, Patience, Sick, Thoughts, Tired
It’s part 2 of my Not-So Patient Patient story. Yeah, believe it or not.
Now I’m going on 8 weeks of having some sort of bug – I would seem to be almost over one ailment, and then I’d catch something else.
I believe that I’m just about over this cycle. But the journey has deepened again.
My new-found patience led me to explore my internal attitudes. What thought was I holding onto in my consciousness? What could be behind this perpetuated illness?
Then I got angry with my husband about revisiting an old argument I thought we had put to rest. And angry with my daughter about not cooperating when I asked her to pick up her marbles. And I just hate being sick. I’m sick and tired of it!
Uh oh. Did I really just think that? How often have I been thinking that I’m “sick and tired” of it? Could that be behind why I’ve been feeling sick and tired?
Yes, it just might be.
So I’ve been working with my thoughts. And I found that, in both subtle and overt ways, I’ve been holding that energy of being “sick and tired.” My body finally seemed to agree. That’s a problem.
Our thoughts are powerful. We can create, transform, and manifest much of what we desire in life. We can also create what we don’t want, too. If we’re focused on what is a problem and what we don’t want, we may find ourselves experiencing more of it. Are we focusing on problems, or solutions?
This doesn’t mean to be in denial about the problem, but to be very intentional about how we approach it. I am recognizing what is problematic for me in my life, and looking at how I can change it – both on the internal level of my reactions and perceptions, and the external level of my behaviors.
I’m also changing the mantra of “sick and tired” to “I’m Healthy and Trusting”. I’m trusting the process, by being patient and recognizing the purpose for my experience. It is changing the way I respond to life in a positive and empowering way.
Have you been “sick and tired”? What’s the mantra you’ve been repeating? What do you want to change it to? Share it here.
by Connie Habash | Jan 28, 2014 | Action, Appreciation, Choices, Empowerment, Possibilities, Potential, Right Action, Small
I’m tired of everyone telling me to think bigger. “You need to play on a bigger field! You’re capable of so much more!” Does that message ever exasperate you?
It sets us up for feeling we’re not enough as we are. And that whatever we do, it doesn’t measure up, or isn’t significant enough. We’ll never feel at peace within, because we’re always comparing ourselves to what we think we should be and do – bigger, better, and more of.
Sure, we can all offer more to the world. I want to do that. But I don’t want to set myself up for an ego-trip of imagining myself to be a Nelson Mandela. And that, if I don’t think that big, I’m just not living up to my potential.
Let’s stop for a moment. Can the world use some more Gandhis and Mother Teresas? Sure. Can we all be that? No. In fact, if the world were full of them, who would follow whom? Who would serve whom?
Not to mention that it’s just plain intimidating to think about doing something on that kind of scale. I don’t even think I’d want to.
But that isn’t how they started. They may not have had a big vision. They started with one, small action.
I want you to think small for a moment. Doable. One good thing that you KNOW you can do. Can you pick up that trash on the sidewalk? Can you call up a friend who is lonely? Can you volunteer at a soup kitchen this Saturday? Or give the extra lemons from your tree to a neighbor?
Planetary – and personal – change comes from a lot of small actions, not big huge ones. Many small steps made by many people. It’s billions of molecules of water together that make a big wave. A bird makes a nest from a lot of small twigs. Don’t tell the bird that one little twig won’t make a difference!
So think small. Today. And then do it again tomorrow. Everyday, can you do a little something to transform yourself, make someone’s day, or make the planet a better place? I KNOW you can.
Then, share it here on my page. It’s not bragging, it’s motivating. Your small thing may just inspire someone else to do the same!
by Connie Habash | Sep 18, 2013 | Choices, Joy, Passion, Yes
How do you know when you should do something?
Well, first of all, if you “should” do it, it’s probably not coming from your soul.
Because your soul, your spirit, you see, follows its line of power and passion.
OK, I’m not talking about brushing your teeth, or taking a shower. Yes, you should do your laundry. But you know that’s not really what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about all those things that you try to pressure yourself into doing, because someone you know is doing it, someone successful that you’re jealous of has done it, because the experts say you should or your parents, or who knows what.
Chances are pretty good that if you go ahead with that kind of should, sooner or later you’re not going to be so happy with it.
So don’t make your decisions based on what you “should” do.
Listen to your soul, and base your choices on what feels fully alive in you. What lights you up. What fills you with a grounded, satisfying, fulfilling YES.
What gives you that deep YES inside? Share it here!
Deciding whether to venture onto an unfamiliar trail was difficult and brought up fear – but choosing, rather than deciding, got me through to the river. 
on its back! A rattler! But in a split second I noticed it was rooted in the ground, with another one next to it. Just some sort of metal infrastructure for the trail, but it combined with my fear to cause my survival instinct to kick in. 
Spiritual, psychological, and yogic insights from Hamilton, an iconic musical so applicable to our times.
Thanksgiving: a unique American holiday that is universal, unlimited by religion, race, or any category. It’s a special time to come together with family and friends to feel gratitude on this day of the celebration of abundance (oh yeah, and feasting!).
February – a month that, stereotypically, we turn towards greeting cards with red and pink hearts, roses, chocolates, and are inundated with commercials about diamond jewelry. Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and whether it’s something you relish or are repulsed by, it’s here in our western culture.
Whoa – with a title like “Your Destiny”, you’re bound to give pause. You’ve probably thought about your destiny at a few points in your life. Is destiny pre-determined? Is it a well-defined path that you just plod along? Or do you have something to do with the unfolding of events in your life? And how do the events unfolding in the United States, with a new and controversial president, affect your destiny?
I remember back in college my Sociology teacher gave us an interesting assignment. For the next week, he told us, we needed to drive to and from our home by different routes each day. We were then to reflect on how the experience affected us.
It’s part 2 of my Not-So Patient Patient story. Yeah, believe it or not.
I’m tired of everyone telling me to think bigger. “You need to play on a bigger field! You’re capable of so much more!” Does that message ever exasperate you?
How do you know when you should do something?
