by Connie Habash | May 11, 2026 | Compassion, Healing, Suffering
How do we embrace life as well as suffering and death?
This week, I began writing a blog about suffering, and I stopped myself. It felt too vulnerable… too difficult to talk about.
It seems that there is always suffering in the world – whether it is war, disasters, shootings, pandemics, ICE raids, etc.
No one really wants to talk about death and suffering. Yet it is all around us; we often don’t notice unless it comes close to home (or we are fed the images on TV or social media).
In nature, death is fully apparent but we don’t pay much attention. A large fallen Douglas Fir tree across a stream; a dried up earthworm on the cement, caught in the open after a rainstorm; a hawk catches a field mouse and brings it back to the nest for two hungry babies. The dead leaves on the forest floor are crushed beneath our feet as we walk.
Natural Death vs. Human-Caused Harm
Yet there is a difference between these natural deaths and these unnatural events of human device. A part of us can understand and somewhat accept the death of an old tree or one animal in order to feed another. But crimes of hate? War? Brutality and abuse? Rape? Sometimes it seems like all too much, and we ask why? Why that person? Why now? Why that violent act?
People often ask me what I think – why do these things happen? And my honest answer is that I don’t know. We can try to come up with explanations and investigations to discover motives, rectifications to attempt to prevent such future horrors. We can explain it by some spiritual platitudes or psychological analysis. But it still doesn’t change the fact that these things happened, and continue to happen around the world.
All I can offer, and all I can do (short of a march, a letter to a congressperson, words of protest, volunteering for an organization, writing an op-ed), is feel and accept what has happened and how it has impacted me. To share compassion with those in pain. To help them hold their own hearts tenderly as they grieve and allow the waves of pain to wash through until they have finished pounding the beach of the heart.
Holding Compassion for Ourselves and Others
Besides the actions we feel we need to take in the world to prevent future harm, the work we do within ourselves to heal from these traumas is of utmost importance. To work through what they may trigger within us from our past. To share our compassion and empathy with the victims. To help these “victims” find their empowerment again.
And to share compassion, too, with the perpetrators. I’m not unique in expressing this: until we can have love and compassion for everyone, then we cannot truly stop the pain in this world. The pain comes from lack of love, lack of compassion, lack of connection. My sense, as other spiritual leaders have expressed, is that those who inflict pain are suffering inside, especially from a deep rift of disconnection with others.
Returning to Connection – with Self, Others, and Spirit
This is the plague of our modern society: disconnection. It is not a simple solution. It will take more time than probably our lifetimes to change. But we must heal the deep disconnection in our culture by making conscious effort to connect to others… friends, neighbors, strangers, people similar and people very different from us. And conscious effort to connect to ourselves.
Everything that I do is, ultimately, focused on healing this rampant sense of disconnection and returning us to deeply connect with each other in community, to connect to the Earth (that’s a whole other topic!), to connect to our very own selves, and to connect to Spirit.
If that touches you in some profound or gentle way, I am here for you. Whether online or in person, let me know where you feel disconnected and how you want to heal. For we are truly all connected by something beyond what we can see or touch… we are connected by the Divine itself, by the Source of Life that gave rise to you and me and all life here.
May the Divine enfold you with deep love and compassion… and may you receive it deeply into your heart.
Wherever you feel disconnected or in pain, there is a path back to connection. Explore Counseling (if you’re in California) or Spiritual Mentoring and take a step toward healing and inner support.
by Connie Habash | Jul 30, 2025 | Acceptance, Healing, Wholeness
Instead of trying to become “better” – to “fix” what is “wrong” with you – the true path to healing and inner peace is to aim for wholeness.
What is it that you really want? Happiness? Peace? Stability? Enlightenment? Often, we just want to “feel better”, and for things to “get better”.
Lately, I’ve been in that kind of place – experiencing deep internal changes, looking at old patterns that don’t serve me, venturing into my own Shadow and unconscious to see what needs to be cleaned out. It is difficult, at times painful, and unpleasant. There are times when I just want to feel “better”.
Wanting to Feel Better vs. Becoming Whole
It occurred to me, however, that there is an inherent problem in wanting to feel better, wanting life to be better, wanting to improve ourselves. When we want to get better or become a “better person”, it implies that there is something wrong with us as we are.
I’ve done enough of that in my life – enough self-criticism, judgment, and finding all the things about “me” that don’t work well or that I’m ashamed of. I just want to get rid of them. Don’t we all? Yet by fostering that kind of attitude, we do violence to ourselves.
I’ve had it with cutting myself up into pieces – pieces that are good enough, and pieces that belong in the trash. It doesn’t serve me anymore, and it doesn’t serve you, either.
Embracing the Shadow for Inner Healing
Over the years, I discovered that the very parts of myself that I don’t like, that cause me pain, are the very places within that hold my transformation. They hold power and healing that I can’t access if I don’t welcome them in and hold them, lovingly, until I see my true essence.
Deep inside my raging, critical self is a terrified child, begging to be held and loved and accepted, warts and all. I wanted to be loved, acknowledged, and seen when I was a child, and I spent most of my life attempting to fill those needs.
By taking the time to hold this part of me, to cry, to scream out my anger, I find the soft, tender, loving essence within me. My heart opens, and love then flows through me. Exactly what I was looking for, stumbled upon by accepting and embracing the aspect of myself that blocked it, yet most yearned for it.
I find that I do the same thing with my life – clinging to things I enjoy, pushing away the uncomfortable tasks. Again, I stop and breathe, and embrace it all. The good and the bad are only my judgments, and they keep me from living my life fully, wholly, in every moment, whatever it offers.
Rather than try to become “better”, aim for Wholeness. Welcome it all in. Become whole, rather than partial.
This is the path of growth, the path of spirituality, the path of personal evolution. To bravely hold all those pieces of ourselves in arms bigger than our physical ones, and love them back into Wholeness. This is another aspect of Yoga, Oneness, Union.
Every part of oneself, and of life, is valuable and precious. Just as the antidote to a poisonous plant usually grows nearby it, the painful wounds carry within them the very medicine we need to become whole. Embrace your Wholeness – the wound and the healing.
Your saving grace – what brings you back to your heart and spirit – could be whatever you’re feeling in your own heart. It could be right outside your door, too. Everything in nature matters and is part of the whole of the ecosystem; even the dead stumps, the compost, and the pesky insects. Step outside, be present with the earth, and feel what it awakens in you. Let it reflect to you the experience of wholeness within you, ever present.
Want to discover more of your wholeness and oneness right now? Here’s a free meditation for you – Essence, Silence, and Oneness.
by Connie Habash | Feb 20, 2025 | Clarity, Healing, Meditation, Mindfulness, Seasons, Winter
Whether cloudy or clear, wintertime can deepen meditation and heal the heart.
Clouds cover the skies like sheep’s wool, muffling the sounds of the birds and the passing cars. The overcast sends a shadow over my heart, evoking a little sadness and melancholy.
Yet it also dampens the noise in my mind, much like it softens the shuffle of people walking by on street. It’s a quiet that is expectant, like the silent and heavy rain clouds hanging overhead, not yet ready to drop their water pellets on the ground.
Quiet Cloudiness
This is so different than the quiet on a clear, starry night. That kind of quiet is spacious, vast, crystal-like in its intensity. That silence is almost deafening in its great expanse. It makes me throw my arms up and reach out to the universe, even though I don’t move.
This quiet cloudiness, however, is gentle, subtle, and soft, like a blanket thrown over my shoulders, wanting to wrap me up in its compassion.
Compassionate Clouds
It takes me inward, this muffled silence of the winter clouds, and makes me want to cry, just like the clouds want to let go of their rain. These clouds bring out what is hanging heavy in my heart, even if I don’t really know what it is. I can feel it, nevertheless, and long for the rivulets to flow down my cheeks, to unburden the old grief that I’ve allowed to hang out somewhere inside myself.
This is a healing, inward kind of quiet. A compassionate Cloudiness.
Clarity Revealed
The next morning, I wake and descend the dark stairs to my altar. Sitting on my cushion, out the eastern window I see the light blue already. Clear skies. The sun doesn’t take long to dust the horizon with a subtle pink, and the winter sun rises from his nap behind days of the wool cloud-blanket.
Clarity streams into my head and heart. It is a light day, and hope arises over the hills. My heart lifts with the sun.
Renewal
Even in the midst of winter, the signs of renewal are everywhere, including the sun itself. No matter the dark night or day, life comes again. After our hearts empty out in the melancholy of the darkness, they rise up from the soil and send out new shoots into life.
My heart now has more room. The tears I shed watered the flowers that will arise from those bulbs in the ground.
Let Winter Heal You and Deepen You
Make the room in your heart for meditation in the winter. Meditation isn’t always sitting and watching your breath, or chanting a mantra. Sometimes, it is a time to sit with what lies in the heart space and to feel it: without judgment, attachment, or disdain.
Winter offers the opportunity to have quiet time with yourself. If you allow whatever lies within to release from its confines, new growth can burst through, like the first shoot breaking through the casing of the seed. Let the tears, the joy, the worry, the past –whatever — flow through and out, making space for the greater potential that wants to germinate and expand within you.
Winter does its healing on all of us. Trust the process. Let the clouds hang where they are, and know that the sun does come out. When the sky clears, you’ll see it like you haven’t seen it for months.
by Connie Habash | May 12, 2023 | Anxiety, Depression, Healing, Spirituality, Stress
It’s Mental Health Awareness month, and I feel there’s an aspect of our well-being that is often overlooked with the challenges of increased depression, anxiety, and loneliness in our era. And that’s spiritual health.
Before you consider what spiritual health is, let’s be clear on what I’m referring to as spiritual. Spirituality is our personal relationship to something greater than us. Many confuse spirituality with religion. Certainly, people who follow a particular religious tradition can be spiritual. But not necessarily so. And no one needs a religion in order to have a connection to something greater.
What is that “something greater”?
We might traditionally call connection to something greater “God”, but we may not. God can be a triggering word for many of us, and misunderstood based on dogma that we grew up with that doesn’t resonate anymore. I like to use more neutral terms, such as The Divine, Spirit, or Creator.
But that “something greater” can go beyond even the idea of a higher power with a somewhat human form or characteristics. It can include The Universe or Cosmos, the higher order of all that exists. It can be Nature itself, the extraordinary interconnectedness of all life. It can also be higher qualities that we value and bring harmony to our world, such as unconditional love, truth, integrity, compassion, or selfless service.
Spirituality is something that you experience within yourself and cultivate within yourself. It is a journey that only you can take, although you certainly can share that journey with others, too. But ultimately, spirituality taps us into a deeper, more profound feeling than what everyday, ordinary life is capable of providing.
Spiritual Health
I see much of the despair, worry, and loneliness of people I encounter in my counseling practice, and in my community, as soul suffering. Without a greater vision and sense of the numinous, life can feel empty and meaningless. Spiritual health is having our connection to that greater vision consciously alive within us. When spirituality is part of our life, we feel more whole and fulfilled.
We are part of something much more vast and intricate than any of us can imagine. This can cause us to feel small and insignificant. As we look up at the stars, this is true. Yet, when we have a connection to the Divine, both within us and all around us, life becomes meaningful. As we deepen in that connection, we can expand into a sense of Oneness with that vast, sacred presence.
Each of Us Matters
Spirituality helps us understand our part in life. We are spiritual beings, coming into form to experience humanness. We came here to participate and contribute. We can here to heal one another and the planet. Each of us has value and purpose, and if we make a difference in one other being’s life, we have mattered.
When we have spiritual health, we feel a sense of belonging. That we are not truly alone, because there is something greater than us that supports us and nurtures us. We may believe that isn’t so. But we know that the sun shines every day, even behind the clouds, and gives our planet light. The waters of the glaciers and the clouds support all life. The planet, left to her natural harmony, provides food abundantly. All of life is a part of us through the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat. The Creator supports us and all life on our planet; not just physically, but our hearts and souls, too.
In order to receive that support from and experience that connection to the Divine, we need to cultivate it and open to it. If you haven’t explored your spirituality before, or want to reignite that sacred spark, here are some ways you can start:
- Light a candle and sit quietly with it for a few minutes, focusing gently on the flame
- Attend an ecstatic dance event
- Try out a new church, synagogue, mosque, temple, or spiritual center – even if it is a different tradition than what you grew up with
- Take a walk alone in nature or through your neighborhood, mindfullly
- Sit by the ocean and listen to the waves
- Simply sit, where you are, and be fully present with whatever is
- Listen to chanting, kirtan, gospel, or other inspiring music
- Join a local meditation group – meditating in community deepens the experience. Or meditate on your own.
- Journal about your beliefs – what you grew up with, and where they have evolved to this time in your life. What do you believe?
- Write a letter to Spirit; feel free to express your emotions (even if it is anger – God can handle it), share your concerns, show your gratitude, and ask your questions
- Listen for answers: they may come from within, or show up spontaneously in your environment
- Open your heart and love without expectation
- Practice Selfless Service by volunteering in your community
- Start a conversation about spiritual beliefs with a good friend; listen to their experiences
- Watch, listen to, or read inspiration from a sacred text or by well-known spiritual teachers (some good resources: Sounds True and Hay House)
- Find a MeetUp group with a spiritual topic of interest in your local area
- Sit outside in the yard or at a park and open to receive and explore what comes to you, outside of you or within your awareness
What has inspired you in the past? What has been beckoning to your soul? What can you add to the list?
Your spiritual health is part of your mental health and overall well-being. Take the time to seek it, develop it, and open to receive it. Your own spiritual journey will renew you and reveal blessings in abundance.
Ready to deepen your spiritual health? Let’s explore together – Contact Me to inquire about spiritually-oriented psychotherapy or spiritual mentoring!
by Connie Habash | Feb 7, 2022 | Growth, Healing, Transformation
In this era of blatant narcissism, it may be a very outrageous thing to say. But when we recognize that growth, healing, love, and change start with us, we need to be “me-first”.
I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and she shared with me something that her healer and teacher said to her. She told her that your healing has to be “me-first.” It shocked me, but then made so much sense, on many levels.
What Does “Me-First” Mean?
But what do I mean by me-first? We’re used to hearing this term in relation to self-centered people, who only care about getting what they want without regard to others. I couldn’t possibly consider such a selfish perspective.
On deeper reflection, there’s another way to understand the idea of me-first.
When it comes to well-being and self-healing, me-first is necessary. Not in the way of putting your needs ahead of everyone. But rather from the perspective that if I’m unwell, I’ll need to take care of myself first before I’ll be helpful to anyone else. After all, if you’re ill, you stay home from work whenever possible (now required in the pandemic!). You don’t want to spread the sickness to anyone else, and you can’t be of much help in the office or with a client if you’re coughing up a storm.
Me-First is Being the Example
From an even deeper level, we need to exemplify what we’re teaching and sharing with others. If we are assisting people in losing weight or eating healthier, we’d better be taking care of ourselves first. We need to live our principles in how we eat and care for our bodies. Not perfectly, but with integrity.
That includes times when we blow it and overindulge; with me-first, we own up to when we’ve missed the mark and model how to get ourselves back on track without beating ourselves up about it. If we’re sharing how to recover from a breakup or make it through the grieving process, we should have walked in those shoes, at least to some degree, and know how to make it through to the other side. With me-first, we embody what we share with the world.
A Guide Through the Territory
I think of the role of a psychotherapist as akin to a nature guide. If we want someone to guide us through the wilderness, we’d better find someone who knows the territory, has dealt with the challenges that arise there, and has the skill to respond to almost any situation, even if they haven’t encountered that exact situation before. An adept trail guide knows how to manage a wide range of contingencies from their own training, skills, and experience.
Likewise, we as therapists, healers, and teachers don’t need to have journeyed through every single possible human situation, but to have dealt with enough of the complexities and difficulties that people go through, such as relationships, loss, sadness, stress, anger, worry, etc., and have learned how to respond in more healthy and healing ways.
For any kind of healer, it needs to be me-first; we must mindfully attend to our own internal experiences and life challenges in order to be able to assist others. It doesn’t mean that we never mess up: but that we are committed to our own mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual well-being as part of our own life, and know the territory.
Me-First Beyond Our Personal Self
Then, the broadest understanding of this me-first philosophy comes with creating change beyond our personal self. If we want to heal a relationship on the rocks, it starts inside of us. Most of us have learned that we can’t change someone else (ask anyone actively in Al-Anon); we can only change who we are in response to others. That means we look at our reactions, our thought processes, and behaviors to see how they contribute to the problem, and address our side of the street first.
If, after looking at ourselves and making appropriate changes still doesn’t shift unhealthy dynamics, then we ask for our partner or family members to participate in creating a healthier connection in some way. If they don’t, we know the way to the door.
On a societal scale, if we want to see change in the world – whether in creating more community and connection, reducing plastic waste, healing racial divides, or cultivating more peace between political parties or nations – it starts right here, where we are. There’s no possibility of making great changes happen “out there” if we aren’t willing to be me-first and change them right in our home, neighborhood, and self.
Desire more connection in the community? Be willing to talk with strangers or help out a neighbor. If I want less plastic in the oceans, then I’ve got to look at what I buy, use, and throw away and cut down on single-use plastics for starters. If I’d like to see more racial equity, then it’s time I look in the mirror and consider my prejudices, and be willing to get to know people outside of my own race, religion, socio-economic status, and cultural background.
And my deepest longing – peace in the world. I know that I’m just one person, but so are you and everyone else. Where are the blocks to peace within me? What causes anger and judgment to arise within? How can I understand others that differ from me so that I can find common ground?
We need to be me-first – to address what needs to heal within us – before we can heal a nation and a planet. Me-first means it starts right here, where we are, within us. Then, we’ll really have something to share with others. They will be able to feel and see that we walk our talk, and that we emanate the love, kindness, wisdom, authenticity, and peace that we all long for.
Its a Journey, Not a Destination
I’m not saying it’s easy. In this age of fast, easy hacks, there’s not a shortcut for this. It’s a journey. We don’t reach a perfect destination. We walk, with caring, mindfulness, and love, endeavoring to “be the change we’re waiting for.” It’s a me-first commitment to the journey of healing and transformation. Each imperfect step along the way.
It starts with us. It’s not a new idea, but we need this reminder, all the time. What’s amazing is that if more of us were me-first in our commitment to heal, grow, and transform ourselves and our little part of the world, we’d see more happier, healthier, kind people and communities. We’d treat each other and our planet with the love and respect we’d like to see around us and in our leaders.
That’s “me-first” that I can stand behind. I’m doing my best, everyday, even though some days I fall far short of who I endeavor to be. But it’s a beautiful path to walk. Won’t you join me on the journey?
Want to be part of a community of spiritual women who love nature and are committed to their own transformation in order to help heal the planet, too? Check out Awakening Women of the Earth.
by Connie Habash | Jan 13, 2022 | Articles, Challenges, Communication, Healing, Listening, Perspective, Polarities
We’re challenged with our differences these days – they have caused a great divide in our world. Polarization appears to be intensifying, and it’s difficult to have conversations with people of opposing views. Here are two keys to turning things around so that we can listen as well as communicate and resolve the national and planetary problems together.
The other day, someone said to me that they felt despair about the divisiveness in the United States and the world. It was hard to have any conversations about things that mattered without conflict and anger.
It’s true that there are many strong opinions about a plethora of issues we’re facing: the pandemic, vaccinations, climate change, immigration, the economy, the police and law, diversity and racial equality, just to name a few hot topics. It appears that we’re drifting further apart from our differently-opinioned neighbors (and even our primary relationships!), whether in another part of the world or right next door.
It’s easy to become despondent and believe that it’s hopeless. And if we continue in the same direction, with the same attitudes and perceptions, maybe it is. But it doesn’t have to continue on the track we’ve found ourselves on.
I obviously don’t have all the answers, but I do have two – two ways that I feel are essential to healing the divide between ourselves and others who don’t share our points of view. These two principles lay a foundation for repair of our polarized culture.
Similarities Connect – Differences Enrich
The first principle lays the groundwork for how communities, from a small support group or even a partnered couple to a large congregation, build meaningful, connected relationships with one another: similarities connect – differences enrich.
We connect over our similarities. These are activities, tastes, values, cultural backgrounds, politics, and even our flaws and blunders in life. In a 12-step group, the sense of connection comes largely from shared similar experience of addition to a substance or a relationship. At a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, it’s a common belief, and at a protest it’s a shared struggle or principle we stand for.
By sharing our more vulnerable side, we also find commonality in our suffering, challenges, and life experiences. A grief support group works because everyone understands the pain of loss, so there’s a common language. People of color know that other people of color “get it” about racism.
But similarity is only one half of the first principle. Because if we only had similarities, the homogeneity of the group would eventually be a bit flat. Differences of opinion, while at times frustrating or annoying, spark conversation, contemplation, and growth.
We need differing points of view, as long as they aren’t terribly oppositional. If we aren’t exposed to other perspectives, we don’t grow in our understanding of life and the world. It’s as if we lived in the same valley our whole lives. We might know that valley very well, and then assume the entire rest of the world outside that sheltered, verdant land looked the same. How wrong we would be, and how woefully unprepared we would be should we need to leave the valley and move elsewhere.
When you encounter someone who has similarities, celebrate those connections. And when you discover the differences – which inevitably you will – learn to welcome them. Which can be a tall order when you find yourself faced with an adversary. But those very challenging differences can enrich your understanding of the world. In fact, that’s how transformational change usually happens, is when those differences meet one another.
When You Encounter Differences
Encountering others who are very different from you can trigger a lot of reactions. We may feel defensive, unsafe, and scared. We also can become very righteous; we believe that our point of view is the right one (and I’m sure that it is! 🤣).
But having a righteous point of view doesn’t usually result in harmonious relations and resolutions that work for the greater good. So what can you do to better respond, rather than react, to people with different values, perspectives, backgrounds, upbringings, and experiences?
Convincing to Understanding
You can practice the second principle; to shift from convincing to understanding.
We’ve all fallen into the trap of believing that when we have a disagreement with another, we must convince them of our stance. We have to show them the truth! They will clearly see, after we have explained everything, that we are right and if they just changed all would be well.
Yeah, you know how well that goes over, don’t you? Because you’ve probably been on the receiving end of that, too, and didn’t appreciate the sermon.
The way through this dilemma is shifting out of the convincing mentality. Often, we feel compelled to convince because we fear that if we don’t, our point of view will be run over. We’ll lose our ground, our power, our stance in the family or the community.
The surprising thing is that the very clenching to being right is what perpetuates the loss of power in the relationship. We think that standing strong in our opinion will save the day, but it ends up ruining the connection. It emphasizes the polarization of viewpoints and tears down what sense of unity through commonality there may have been.
Give Them a Bit of What They Want
The shift from convincing to understanding gives others a bit of what they want. And I don’t mean that you’re giving them their way, or allowing others to do things that you don’t feel right about.
What I mean is that all of us long to be understood – maybe even more than being agreed with (although that is quite debatable!). We want someone to be able to listen to us, take our perspective seriously, respect us, and really get where we’re coming from.
It’s possible to understand without agreeing. I remember listening to a well-known activist talk about how she used to meet with oil companies with her guns blazing. Those meetings didn’t turn out well. But when she went in willing to listen, to understand what those companies wanted and their priorities, then they were willing to listen to her, too, and negotiations were more fruitful.
Understanding Returns Us to Similarities and Connection
Surprisingly, when we are willing to understand rather than try to convince, we circle around to find our similarities. We all want health, success, respect, and happiness. We all have met with challenges, pain, and struggle. Most of us want harmony and peace with one another. By listening, with open minds and hearts, we can discover what we share in common. That creates more connection, which supports finding resolution between disparate perspectives.
Remember that differences enrich us. We learn so much more from new information and points of view, and it can clarify our own perspectives. An attitude of interest and curiosity about those differences will open doorways of connection and understanding.
It takes a lot more than these two principles, but the foundations of “similarities connect – differences enrich” and “shift from convincing to understanding” are essential to the process of mending the rifts in our world. Explore how you can practice these principles in your partners, family, friends, neighbors, and community, and let me know what you discover. Together, we can rebuild the bridges that have burned down and heal the divide in the world.
by Connie Habash | Jan 16, 2020 | Acceptance, Compassion, Healing, Judgment
Whether it’s a Judeo-Christian form of the Divine or some other perception of “God,” many of us struggle with feeling that we don’t live up to Divine expectations of us. It’s time to change that perception.
I have seen it in myself and many others – the internalized, judgmental God. It’s the inner critic we are so accustomed to battling, but formed into a deity we may have grown up with. It feels all-powerful and punishing; but we can transform it into the unconditionally loving presence that the Divine truly is.
When I was little, my parents took me to Sunday school at our church – a Presbytarian, traditional, conservative community in Southern California. There, I learned two ideas about God: the form of Jesus, that “loved me”; and then this other, less clear idea of the Divine that was judging me for my “sins”. Apparently, I was doing something bad and although I was loved anyway, it didn’t make me feel much better.
I was fixated on that “badness”. Unconsciously, I went on an internal investigation to root out those parts of myself that God probably wasn’t pleased with. I became a perfectionist (although, honestly, I was probably born that way), seeing everything through the lens of what’s wrong and how I can fix it. Especially myself.
It’s hard to live feeling like you’re always being judged, isn’t it? I didn’t understand at such a young age, when these ideas were impressed upon me, that the only one judging me was actually me.
The Internalized Judgmental God
I had internalized the sense of a God that criticizes, judges, and punishes our shortcomings. It became part of my own psyche, and repeatedly wounded me.
I cast a punishing, scathing old man or woman in the judge’s chair, always finding fault. There was the allure of salvation in discovering the fault myself and then trying to make amends or fix that imperfection. But of course, there’s always something else. I could never attain “good enough” status.
Self-Harm
The habit of trying to eradicate what I deemed was sub-par in myself is a violent tendency. “Getting rid of” and “fixing” cause us to torment, reject, and destroy parts of ourselves. What we do to ourselves psychically in the name of pleasing a critical “God” is self-harm. Cutting ourselves up into pieces we like, and pieces we don’t like; trying to discard the latter.
In fact, I had such a compulsion to get rid of imperfections that I developed a mild skin picking disorder – one I still struggle with to this day. Self-injury through mental chastization of this imaginary, judgemental “God” can lead to physical self-harm.
Changing How I saw God – and Myself
My life changed when I recognized this “God” was something that I put in the judge’s chair, and I began seeking what the Divine truly is.
The truth that I have come to know, that changed this whole dynamic for me, is that the Divine is beyond judgment. It is the source of unconditional love, and the source of everything. All of creation has emerged from it, and is an outward expression of this Infinite Source.
The Divine, which is Unconditional Love, sees with Unconditional Love. It sees us as beloved facets of its very own Self. It sees us with eyes of love and acceptance. If we could see ourselves and our lives with those eyes, we would know our blessings, gifts, and beauty. By seeing with Spirit’s eyes, we would know we are wonderful, unique expressions of that creative, loving force.
A Different Way of Growing
But what about spiritual growth, I pondered? Aren’t I supposed to improve and continue to become “better”? Am I not here to grow and unfold as a spiritual being in a human experience? Indeed, all of us are. But there is a different way of growing than finding flaws and trying to rid ourselves of them.
“Trying harder” was transformed into self-acceptance and allowing new qualities to emerge from within me. “Being perfect” needed to give way to embracing my imperfections with compassion, seeing in them opportunities to open my heart more. “Fixing flaws” brought to awareness how I would focus on my problems. Instead, I turned my attention to my gifts, even those hidden in the “flaws”, and what the wounded places in myself were calling for.
The Good Enough/Not Good Enough Polarity
Every day, I stepped out of the good enough/not good enough polarity. “Not good enough” is hard to rewire in the habits of my brain. I was so used to seeing myself in that light.
But swinging to “good enough” wasn’t really the answer, either. By whose standard? What does that really mean? Either end of the polarity implies comparison, judgment, and something outside of myself holding the measuring stick.
We can transcend good enough/not good enough, to step outside of comparison and see ourselves from the perspective of Wholeness. I’d rather be whole and healed than chopped up into pieces I like and pieces I don’t like. I’d rather be whole than to feel good enough in one moment, and then, like a pendulum, be swung back into not good enough the next.
Wholeness sees all of the Self as essential and part of who we are. Every aspect of ourselves has value and is needed. We need both day and night, summer and winter. Wholeness is a principle of healing and of life. Lesley Tierra, L.Ac., author of Healing with the Herbs of Life, states:
“Herbs are a complex, synergistic whole in which each of its chemical parts contributes to, or buffers, the other parts. In separating out and concentrating one active principle from the rest, this important balance is lost.”
So, too, are we humans complex. Were we to remove parts of ourselves that we didn’t like or see value in, we’d lose our balance. We’d destroy aspects that may have had hidden gems in them, beyond our clouded, judgmental perception.
Self-Compassion and Feeding the Demons
Our anger, fear, anxiety, insecurities, even our judgment itself, can offer something to us. It’s essential, as we heal this judgmental “God” within, not to judge the judge. As we embrace our inner judge with compassion, it has the opportunity to soften and transform into our ally.
This is the practice of self-compassion, where we learn to embrace the pain and uncomfortable parts of ourselves with presence, caring, and understanding. It is similar to the Buddhist practice of “feeding the demons.”
These parts of ourselves that are less-than-desirable are places within us that need care and attention, not criticism and rejection. In fact, they likely became such undesirable traits and feelings because of someone else criticizing and rejecting them. We added that to our construction of this judgmental “God” inside of us.
Heal with Compassion
Take some time to connect with the places in you that you criticize and judge. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Allow yourself to relax by taking mindful breaths. Every exhalation helps you to release and soften; every inhalation brings you into the present moment.
Notice what you feel in your body. When you think of what that “God” is judging, note the sensations in the body. Discern where you’re harboring that inner, rejected part of yourself in a palpable way. Feel the sensations.
Then, visualize what you’re judging. What does he, she, or it look like? Sit down with her. Let her know you see her and are there for her. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, hug her, or just sit patiently with her. Ask her how she feels and what she needs. Most of the time, the parts of ourselves that we want to get rid of are wounded parts of our inner child. Children need love and compassion in order to heal, and so do you.
As this part of you heals and is invited into your Wholeness, you’ll be able to see it as a precious part of you. It transforms, as the Buddhists say, into an ally. It becomes a bearer of sacred qualities for you. Give it time. You may have to connect with it many times, or be very patient, for it to transform. But it can, and if you persist, it will.
Allow Yourself to Be Seen by Unconditional Love
Through recognizing that we’ve internalized a judgmental idea of God, identifying our own inner critic, discovering the shamed and rejected parts of ourselves, and healing them into wholeness, we can turn to the Divine with a new perspective.
It can then feel safe enough to allow ourselves to be seen by this unconditionally loving presence. To be seen by God, the Divine, The Creator, Great Spirit – however you label it. We can open to the idea of being cherished, as the one and only unique expression of that Divine spark. It feels good to be truly seen, understood, accepted, and loved. Allow it.
And then see yourself as the Divine truly sees you.
If you struggle with self-compassion and a perception of the Divine that you believe judges you, Spiritual Mentoring could shift you into a loving relationship with Spirit and more kindness towards yourself. Or, pick up a copy of my book, Awakening from Anxiety: A Spiritual Guide to Living a More Calm, Confident, and Courageous Life!
by Connie Habash | Jun 15, 2018 | Depression, Healing, Transformation
Two celebrity suicides prompt me to share my own story of depression, and how I journeyed from being suicidal to wholeness and happiness within.
I have struggled this week with what to write in this month’s blog. I can’t say that this is a unique experience; I often have challenges with the looming question of “what to write?”
But this week it was a bit different. The recent suicides in the news – Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain – made me stop to reflect on things.
I hardly knew who Kate Spade was, other than seeing her name on merchandise in local department stores. Anthony Bourdain, however, I was very familiar with. Our family enjoyed watching Parts Unknown as a bit of education about other cultures around the world – how they lived, ate, celebrated, and even mourned the tragedies that their nations had been through. It felt important for us to know these foreign lands and peoples who lived very differently than we do.
Though I have no idea why they ended their lives, one thing was very clear to me: fame and fortune didn’t make them happy. At least not in a lasting, sustainable way. Although I can’t say I have had fame and fortune, I have had many lessons in the pain of depression, and in discovering what made me truly happy, or at least content with my life. It didn’t come from making money or appearing successful, or even from a wonderful relationship. I had to find it inside myself.
My struggles with depression and suicidal ideation were probably very different than what these two celebrities were dealing with, but real and painful nonetheless. Through my 20’s and early 30’s, I faced this inner darkness again and again, until it came to a critical point shortly after my 30th birthday.
I had been dating a man for about a month, and we were “madly in love”, whatever that means. In the midst of our amour, I came down with, of all things, chicken pox, and was miserably ill for 2 weeks. He was kind and visited, even brought a birthday cake with little pink dots all over it to honor my strange disease that most people had when they were in grade school.
A few days later, although I was still weak (I had dropped down to 95 pounds), I was well enough to go out for the first time. It was a very simple meal – at McDonald’s – with his 4 year old daughter and his step son. I was delighted to be included as part of the family and to finally get out of my little studio apartment.
As we were munching on our McNuggets and burgers, his daughter looked at me and asked, in her adorable innocence, “Are you getting married?” I smiled and looked at my boyfriend, then back at her. “Well, we’ll see,” I said. He and I had talked about the possibility, so it didn’t seem shocking that she asked.
But as we got up to leave, I had a terrible feeling in my body after that. Like a dead weight just dropped inside of me, that sinking feeling in the gut. Something was wrong.
I found out the next day what my intuition told me. My boyfriend called and said he didn’t want a serious relationship right now. He broke up with me, right then and there. I was in shock.
My shock sent me into a downward spiral. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing him. I had projected the ideal partner onto this man; and he even reminded me of my father, too. The perfect Freudian projection. Worse yet, I was in love with his daughter, too, and grieved the loss of her in my life. Before her, I hadn’t seen myself as a mother, and had looked forward to the opportunity to be in her life as well.
My self-esteem plummeted. I dropped deeply into depression. It was an anxious depression that felt constantly desperate – desperate to find something to make it better. I flailed about, between crying miserably and calling friend after friend to talk for hours on the phone. Nothing helped for more than a few minutes. I contemplated suicide. I just didn’t want to live with the pain anymore.
But the fact that I had suicidal thoughts scared me – which was a good thing. It meant that I actually wanted to live. Like many others who have been suicidal, I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt like this.
Then the anger arose. This was a very important shift. I was angry that the breakup of a relationship would send me down into this pit of despair. How could anything like that make me want to end my life? The anger shifted me from hopelessness to determination. I wanted to live, to thrive to be free from depression and never allow it to take me into such deep despair. I was determined that I would heal – that I would never let any person or circumstance determine how I felt about myself again.
I decided that I would do everything in my power to heal from this pain. I could afford sessions with my therapist once per week, but I needed more and I didn’t have a lot of money, so I had to find other resources. By opening up to possibilities, I discovered an amazing women’s spiritual support group – offered by donation. My “healing my heart” regimen included daily prayer, journaling, and drawing (often rageful scribbles) with my pastels. I read personal growth books, including You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, as well as spiritual books. On Sundays, I went to two church services. Most nights, I would light the candles on my altar and cry to God, or sit outside on my porch and cry to the stars. I did everything I could think of to heal this depression, build my self-esteem, and find a deeper sense of happiness within my own self.
And in less than 3 months – by Christmastime – I realized that I was enjoying my life again. There arose a renewed sense of purpose and a renewed sense of myself. It took a lot of work – almost all my energy and spare time. But it was paying off. My connection to the Divine was deep. I trusted that I was taken care of, and all was unfolding for my highest good. Even the end of that relationship. Perspective had returned.
Although I still had ups and downs after that (even to this day), I have never dipped as low as I did back then, nor have I remained depressed for nearly as long. I learned how to be there for myself when I have dark moments, and how to bring myself back out into the light. It was a great part of my spiritual and personal awakening.
I share this with you to let you know that I’ve been there, and I’ve found my way out. You can, too. Whether it’s depression, a midlife crisis, stress and overwhelm, recovering from illness or injury, the end of a relationship, or any myriad of other life challenges, there is a way through it. It is your own unique path. I know that you can find your wholeness and happiness, from a deep place within. And I am honored to guide and support you through the process.
Let me know how I can be there for you.
by Connie Habash | Jan 16, 2018 | Challenges, Empowerment, Healing, journey, Transformation
I’ve been on a path of personal healing for a long time (probably like you). Physically, I have had acid reflux for over 3 years now, which has launched me into new and unprecedented explorations of healing. Mentally and emotionally, my healing journey has been much longer, dating back to my days of depression in my teens and 20’s.
Even though I’ve come a long way, I still find myself hopeful of a cure. We all look for the quickest, easiest way to feel better, on any level. Of course we would prefer instant well-being – who wouldn’t?
But I have also reflected on the difference between what it is to heal vs. what it is to cure. It’s a big difference, and worth considering as you follow your own path of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
What is Curing?
The Oxford dictionaries offer these definitions of to cure: Relieve (a person or animal) of the symptoms of a disease or condition; Eliminate (a disease or condition) with medical treatment; Solve (a problem).
Relieve, Eliminate, and Solve – all positive and hopeful when we look at disease or despair. We want to be relieved of our pain and suffering. We’d like our problems to be solved, even obliterated.
But I also run into some issues with the word cure, at least in how we use it. We’re often “looking for a cure” or want to “be cured”. That implies something or someone outside of us. When we want to be cured, we’re buying into the belief that we don’t have what we need within us to recover; or worse yet, that we’re the problem to be solved. As if there is something wrong with us, rather than a condition that we’re temporarily experiencing.
An End Point, or a Process?
The other part of the definition of cure that bugs me is the suggestion that one minute you’re sick, and the next you’re cured. It’s over. The end.
What is wrong with that, you might say? Don’t you want the disease to end? Absolutely. But we all know that, almost always, getting well or becoming the best we can be in life doesn’t happen like flipping a light switch. One day you’re off, the next day you’re on, and that’s that. No, even when given a “cure”, there is a period of time needed for the cure to work.
You might be cured of symptoms or a problem, but healing is a process – a very special process – that takes you on a much deeper journey. Let’s take a look at what healing truly means.
Definition of “To Heal”
When we consider the definition of healing, in contrast, we find some other implications. To Heal is to “restore to health” or “become sound or healthy again”. Again. That means that our original state is health and well-being. It’s something we innately have. Healing acknowledges that legacy – that we are already sound and whole, but need to find our way back to that.
Another interesting meaning of healing from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is to “restore to original purity or integrity”. This implies something more profound than physical or even emotional health, but returning us to our true nature, which is untainted. We are already pure essence – we originated in that. Healing is the process by which we rediscover that essence within us; as a result, the body and heart become sound and whole again.
It’s Within Us
This means that it isn’t outside of us – it’s within us. When you undergo healing, even though you may be taking medicine or being treated by someone else, it is your body and your Spirit that are doing the healing, with the assistance of herbs or support by another. Yes, you could look at it as someone else “healing” you. But the body has its own system of healing built in, through the immune system and the many processes within you to remove damaged cells and replace them with healthy ones. It simply needs that process kick-started or bolstered in order to do its job. The body wouldn’t heal by the external substances alone – its own natural healing capacity works synergistically with whatever or whoever is offering the healing.
I believe in and have experienced the same with mental, emotional, and spiritual healing. We already have what we need within – the ability to be aware, to change, to transform, to love ourselves, to forgive – in order to heal a broken heart or spirit. Sometimes, we are in need of someone else or something else, whether a book or program to listen to or a counselor or coach, to help us find those amazing parts of ourselves. Once we do, the healing happens within us, through us, by us. No one can do it for us.
You’re Empowered to Heal
When you’re looking for a cure, or someone to cure you, you’re not only looking outside yourself, but you’re giving away your power. It is really that medicine, that doctor, that therapist, this is responsible for returning you to health? Or was it your willingness to seek out treatment, to open yourself to new possibilities, to undergo the challenges of change, to step out of your comfort zone, or to discipline yourself to change your diet or your thoughts that brought about the change? Probably a bit of both, but without the power within you, the “cures” wouldn’t have an effect.
Healing, although it can be assisted by herbs, medication, or lifestyle changes, comes from within you. Your body, heart, mind and spirit are designed to be able to heal, from your built-in immune system to the capacity of your mind to change your thoughts and the ability of the heart to love again, even after heartbreak.
You can look outside for a cure, but when you look to heal, you’re looking both outside and within. You are in partnership with whatever and whoever you find to help you recover your health. Healing is claiming your power in your life, by recognizing that it comes from within you – body, heart, mind, and spirit. Being cured is relieving and freeing, but healing is that plus deeply transforming.
True healing – and an effective healer – spark than innate gift of your ability to return to well-being and happiness. Your natural state is that of love, harmony, health, and ease, but we lost our balance and our way in the distractions and upsets of life. All we need is a guide to set us back on our natural course of well-being.
Are You A Problem to Be Fixed?
Curing looks at a problem – a disease, an issue – and tries to fix it. The essence of curing someone or yourself is the idea that there’s something wrong and we need to make it go away. Everyone would love a magic pill to cure us of weight problems, smoking, depression – and drug companies have enticed us with this attractive idea. But the truth is that the cravings still exist, and the root cause of the sadness won’t magically go away. Many people who have sought this kind of cure have only experienced limited success.
Are you really a problem to be fixed? Is there something “wrong” with your body? Can you flip a switch and make everything in your life all better? We know the answer. Which is why I am oriented personally and professionally towards the concept of healing, rather than curing.
A Journey, Not a Destination
In contrast to curing, which indicates a final result and you’re “done”, healing is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight, it’s not always easy (although it doesn’t have to be extremely difficult, either), and frankly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Did you ever read the Odyssey, by Homer, in high school or college? To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of details of the book. What I do remember is that Odysseus went through a very long, challenging (and exciting!) journey in order to finally return home. What’s the point of going through all that (and reading all those hundreds of pages)? Because through his journey and all the trials and tribulations he overcame, he transformed, from a prideful leader into a wise and prudent king.
The process of healing not only remedies whatever malady we have struggled with; it awakens aspects of ourselves that would have otherwise lain dormant. We become more patient, courageous, compassionate, or faithful. Each healing journey is unique, and offers us unique gifts. We have an opportunity to learn and grow through healing. Although a quick cure would be easier and more immediate, we’d miss out on the rich rewards of the healing journey.
Life-Sustaining
Healing is a process designed to carry you through the long haul. A cure is specific to a malady; healing is universal. When you heal, you retain the knowledge, in the cells of your body as well as your mind, that you have gone through a healing process. It’s an inner-knowing that you can access again and again to support you at any point in your life that you might need it. You’ll know you have what you need within you when you’ve allowed yourself to consciously embark upon a healing journey. Healing sustains you through the ups and downs of life.
Even if it has taken a long time, trust in your healing journey. It’s taking you to places of empowerment, authenticity, insight, and awareness that you would never have experienced before.
Copyright ©2018 by Rev. Connie L. Habash
Want to join me on your healing journey? Here are my latest offerings for your personal and spiritual growth!
by Connie Habash | Sep 14, 2017 | Acceptance, Authenticity, Awareness, Consciousness, Darkness, Healing, Light, Shadow, Transformation
Have you felt stirred up in yourself and in your life lately, as if all your issues have come to the surface? You’re not alone. The powerful archetype of the recent eclipse has brought what is ready to heal and transform out of hiding and into the light for all of us.
Last month was the first time I had ever seen even a partial eclipse here in California. This juxtaposition of the moon in front of the sun shows us how our unresolved issues and blocks to our growth – represented by the moon – can conceal the light of our True Self.
The Shadow
An eclipse casts a shadow, and our own personal shadow is a collection of the parts of ourselves that we don’t like to acknowledge or to be seen. When we are met by this great archetype, or powerful symbol, of the inner shadow through such a potent example as an eclipse, it’s common for our own shadow material to rise out of the darkness for us to recognize, embrace, and heal.
What lies in the shadow? Images, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions about who we fear we might be and what we don’t want to look at. All of the self-critical thoughts emerge from the shadow. The fears about what others might think? The shame from mistakes we’ve made? The part of ourselves that we think is ugly, mean, or unlovable? Yep, they’re all in there. We prefer to just keep the closet shut and locked, and not let the boogie man out. Pretend that everything is just fine. Or at least keep up a good image, so no one can see what we secretly feel are fatal flaws.
Identifying with Thoughts and Emotions
However, everything in the Shadow is a thought. Thoughts are forms of energy. When we think of a particular thought, we take our mental energy and mold it into a form. The Shadow contains the forms of negative energy that we’ve created from our thoughts about ourselves.
We may have fear or anger that arises in us. Perhaps an event at work or in your family has triggered old pain from your past. Or an off the cuff remark sparked anxious, self-critical thoughts. The problem isn’t the thoughts or emotions – the problem is identifying ourselves with them.
The True Self
The Sun, however, is a symbol of our True Self, ever shining. When night comes, the sun doesn’t stop shining – it’s simply not seen because the Earth has rotated. This is like sleep – our True Self doesn’t cease to exist; we just don’t perceive it when we’re deep in slumber.
An eclipse reveals a different hindrance to the shining of the True Self than sleep does. The moon’s blockage of the Sun’s light represents the identification with our thoughts and emotions that lie in the Shadow Self.
For example, when we say, “I’m angry” or “I am hurt”, we’re implying that we identify ourselves with the anger or hurt by saying “I am”. We believe, on a subconscious level, that we are insecure about money or we identify ourselves with the belief that things will never change, rather than recognize these are thoughts and emotions.
The Light of Awareness
Thoughts and emotions change all the time, and can be consciously changed. The True Self, like the metaphor of the sun, remains the same, always shining.
The eclipse brings to our awareness that we have all this stuff in our Shadow Self, and it’s time to take it out of hiding. It’s time to recognize that those places in us can heal. We don’t need to continue to identify ourselves with what we fear. Many of the perceptions of ourselves aren’t accurate and need to be aired out, cleaned up, and let go of.
The work after the eclipse is to shine our light of awareness on the Shadow material. To be willing to dig in and say, hey, I don’t need to live like this anymore. I don’t need to continue to beat myself, or let this fear get the best of me. There is something precious deeper within me that is ready to shine, and it’s time I give it a chance.
You can do this “shadow work”. The moon has moved aside, and your light is ready to glow. I’m happy to assist you in becoming more of your True Self – feel free to contact me for a conversation about what’s possible. And in the meantime, here are some great resources to get you started that have helped me over the years:
- a classic! lots of great exercises, and a great resource for physical ailments and possible corresponding shadow issues)
- a lighthearted, easy read. Refreshing!
- another easy read by Huber, and an awesome 30 day practice to explore
- the most powerful, in-depth synthesis of psychology and spirituality I have found, with potent practices for healing and releasing shadow stuff. This is a serious read.
It’s 
In this era of blatant narcissism, it may be a very outrageous thing to say. But when we recognize that growth, healing, love, and change start with us, we need to be “me-first”.
We’re challenged with our differences these days – they have caused a great divide in our world. Polarization appears to be intensifying, and it’s difficult to have conversations with people of opposing views. Here are two keys to turning things around so that we can listen as well as communicate and resolve the national and planetary problems together.
Whether it’s a Judeo-Christian form of the Divine or some other perception of “God,” many of us struggle with feeling that we don’t live up to Divine expectations of us. It’s time to change that perception.
Two celebrity suicides prompt me to share my own story of depression, and how I journeyed from being suicidal to wholeness and happiness within.
I decided that I would do everything in my power to heal from this pain. I could afford sessions with my therapist once per week, but I needed more and I didn’t have a lot of money, so I had to find other resources. By opening up to possibilities, I discovered an amazing women’s spiritual support group – offered by donation. My “healing my heart” regimen included daily prayer, journaling, and drawing (often rageful scribbles) with my pastels. I read personal growth books, including You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, as well as spiritual books. On Sundays, I went to two church services. Most nights, I would light the candles on my altar and cry to God, or sit outside on my porch and cry to the stars. I did everything I could think of to heal this depression, build my self-esteem, and find a deeper sense of happiness within my own self.
I’ve been on a path of personal healing for a long time (probably like you). Physically, I have had acid reflux for over 3 years now, which has launched me into new and unprecedented explorations of healing. Mentally and emotionally, my healing journey has been much longer, dating back to my days of depression in my teens and 20’s.
Have you felt stirred up in yourself and in your life lately, as if all your issues have come to the surface? You’re not alone. The powerful archetype of the recent eclipse has brought what is ready to heal and transform out of hiding and into the light for all of us.
